AITA for thinking bride is heinous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

OP, I think this is the best approach. Let us know how it goes! Ignore all of the mean posters here. We are rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is local and part of same family circle on a regular basis I would probably try and make it work. If not though, I would bow out of the entire wedding.

This. The only calculation here is if you HAVE TO stay in the wedding for family/extended family harmony, if that matters to you. Some people would say adios cousin no matter what and that's valid.

She's clearly way out of line.

[Anonymous]

I would say get therapy to work on your boundaries. The old me might have been just like you. The more mature me does not get dumped on. I would have declined from the start. If I somehow got sucked in, I would have excused myself and given back the MOH tiara with the dress change. Entitled and nasty people are going to be entitled and nasty. You cannot expect her to be different. All you can do is figure out your boundaries. I have too many real stressors in my life for that sort of BS. I'd draw the line and let her flip out.

[Anonymous]

Claim Covid and drop out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Claim Covid and drop out.

This would work beautifully. Problem solved

[Anonymous]

You don’t know the other bridesmaids? Do they even exist? There is NO away the other “bridesmaids” will go along with the 2nd dress purchase. Then, you will be stuck with TWO dresses. Stop the insanity, drop out and sell your dress on Poshmark.

[Anonymous]

I just want to know why there are multiple bridesmaids in a 30 person wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Claim Covid and drop out.

This would work beautifully. Problem solved

You all are so funny. I wish I was better at lying. I couldn’t possibly keep the story straight the rest of my life! She’d probably wait til next year to slyly refer to me having had Covid and I’d unwittingly tell the truth like “Covid? I’ve never had Covid!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say get therapy to work on your boundaries. The old me might have been just like you. The more mature me does not get dumped on. I would have declined from the start. If I somehow got sucked in, I would have excused myself and given back the MOH tiara with the dress change. Entitled and nasty people are going to be entitled and nasty. You cannot expect her to be different. All you can do is figure out your boundaries. I have too many real stressors in my life for that sort of BS. I'd draw the line and let her flip out.

You’re totally right. I have a hard time holding boundaries against ultra aggressive people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t know the other bridesmaids? Do they even exist? There is NO away the other “bridesmaids” will go along with the 2nd dress purchase. Then, you will be stuck with TWO dresses. Stop the insanity, drop out and sell your dress on Poshmark.

They were on the group chat, so I’m sure they exist. I think they rolled over for the same reasons I almost did. She goes from calm to very hostile and accusatory at the blink of an eye and it’s just A LOT to deal with unless you want to get in a shouting match. She collects meek people and then dominates them.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you need our approval? You have made it clear you find her awful and you even said she is estranged from a bunch of people. We don't know her side of course, but you clearly have made the argument for distancing yourself. So why come here so we all say "yes, she sounds terrible." Do you need permission from us to drop out?

[Anonymous]

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

I would refuse to be her MOH for exactly the same reason. You don't negotiate with terrorists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

OP, I think this is the best approach. Let us know how it goes! Ignore all of the mean posters here. We are rooting for you!

Thank you!! I’ll be back whenever I have an update. I know she’ll be completely silent for a while to calculate how best to strike vindictively. I don’t care. I already feel better just from untangling myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. I had a large, complicated, formal wedding and would never act like this.

She needs to be creative and come up with another solution. It's unreasonable to ask for you to purchase a second dress.

Let BM who didn't get the first dress wear a different one and let her be the MOH because they often have a different dress.

Great solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you need our approval? You have made it clear you find her awful and you even said she is estranged from a bunch of people. We don't know her side of course, but you clearly have made the argument for distancing yourself. So why come here so we all say "yes, she sounds terrible." Do you need permission from us to drop out?

Yup, I definitely needed other perspectives. I was spinning my wheels not knowing what to do. Laying out the situation here, where people know neither of us and hold nothing back, has been really helpful. Not only do I feel more certain my decision to drop out is fair, but people here also suggested a graceful way to do it. I’m glad I posted.