The school has arranged for us to meet with the parents of the child who has been bullying our child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, this meeting is very likely for the school's benefit, not yours, not the other family's, not the kids'. As a PP already said, it will allow the school to say, we got the parents together, it was amicable, families at this school talk things out, we're proactive about facilitating discussion here, etc. That's not about your child, it's about the school wanting to create a record that it had this meeting.

Just because you agreed to meet does not mean you now are locked into meeting. No one will punish you or your child somehow if you cancel.

Please listen to the posts above saying that the whole idea of this meeting seems unusual, and like a cover-our-backsides move by the school. You can't have that many weeks of school left. The school knows there's an issue between the kids and anything that happens in the next few weeks is going to be watched (one hopes). A meeting now is not going to have enough time left in the year to alter the bully's behavior. Focus instead on talking up the new school to your child.

I get the idea of being curious what the other parents and/or the school officials would say, I really do. I think it's just a normal human reaction to be curious in this case. I might, at a gut level, be frankly curious about what the bully's parents were like. But I wouldn't let that prod me to say yes to this meeting. It really can't change things, can't change the past bullying for sure, and won't create some magical cure for the other child's behavior this late in the game. You're out of there and don't owe the school or the other family a face to face on this.

I don’t disagree with anything you are saying here, but neither you nor anyone else on here has articulated why the meeting could be harmful to OP or her child. OP doesn’t need to care if the school’s motives are self-serving since she’s leaving, and OP’s child has already put up with the bullying all year, so I expect the family is prepared to accept the meeting won’t change anything. I would want to go just to hear what the school or the other family had to say if for no other reason than to be in a position to share my thoughts about how the school handled it with friends or acquaintances who may be choosing between it and others.

Out of all the reasoning and advise I’ve seen on threads, this one has to be the worst.

DP. I agree with that poster. There are lots of posts on this thread saying that OP shouldn't go to this meeting. But they aren't saying why.

OP cannot be harmed by this meeting. Possibly she could be helped or she could help the school, both of which are reasons to go. And she could get more information about the school, which is not unhelpful and potentially useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to one of these meetings and found it not harmful and probably helpful and insightful. I’m surprised that in a school community so many people are completely against talking to the other involved parent. Everyone has things to learn in this type of situation and not just about fault.

As the mom of a SN kid, I have absolutely zero need or desire to meet with other parents who don’t understand the situation. It serves no purpose for me or them. And it’s not my job to make them feel vindicated or whatever. I do my part by making sure my kid has the best IEP and therapy, and that the school implements it. The situation cannot really be explained unless I go into detail about my son’s diagnosis and therapies, and I am not gonna do that. Other parents absolutely have a right to advocate for their kids, but they need to talk to the school, not me.

In my experience, inexperienced and incompetent administrators try to set up this kind of meeting to placate parents. They think it’s an easy way out of behavioral issues and would much rather act like the problem is out of their hands than actually give kids what they need.

Worst case the other parents may turn out to have this attitude - My SN child can't help it. The school needs to handle it, but they're not. - So I suspect OP is going to walk away with a bit more insight into what parents of SN kids deal with. Just remember that everyone wants what's best for their kid, not your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go just because I’d be curious as to what they have to say, but that’s just me. I’d also keep my own mouth shut and not saying anything more than some sort of non-committal generalities.

I would be curious too.

When my children have been bullied in the past, I have really only had their word to go on, and I’ve wondered how they were contributing to the situation. Both times this happened, I met with the other parents, heard their perspective, and recognized that these were not reasonable people and my child was not at fault.
Once was a little boy who was threatening my son. Met his parents, and they were rude and threatening and had no insight into why their child was wrong.
The other was a little girl who was encouraging all of the irks in the class not to talk to my daughter. I thought that maybe my daughter had gotten into an argument with this girl and was exaggerating. During this meeting, the girls’ mom mentioned that she was prom queen and her husband was a prominent attorney, then told me that some people just know how to make friends (like her child) and some just don’t. Again, no insight that her child’s behavior was not okay.

Anyway, I found it very helpful to get a better understanding of the situation and to advocate for my child.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go just because I don't have the time in the day for that kind of nonsense.

It's emotional labor being asked of the OP, particularly if somehow the other parents turn out to be manipulative bullies as well.

It's just time out of the day when OP could be doing literally anything else.

[Anonymous]

Go with your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go just because I don't have the time in the day for that kind of nonsense.

It's emotional labor being asked of the OP, particularly if somehow the other parents turn out to be manipulative bullies as well.

It's just time out of the day when OP could be doing literally anything else.

You've just described most of the things in life. Living in the world involves interacting with other people. That's how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go just because I don't have the time in the day for that kind of nonsense.

It's emotional labor being asked of the OP, particularly if somehow the other parents turn out to be manipulative bullies as well.

It's just time out of the day when OP could be doing literally anything else.

You've just described most of the things in life. Living in the world involves interacting with other people. That's how it works.

See, but you can choose to do certain things and not others. That is also living in the world. I occasionally get the choice about whether or not to have meaningless and potentially harmful interactions. I'd be dumb if I chose to have those interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go just because I’d be curious as to what they have to say, but that’s just me. I’d also keep my own mouth shut and not saying anything more than some sort of non-committal generalities.

I would be curious too.

When my children have been bullied in the past, I have really only had their word to go on, and I’ve wondered how they were contributing to the situation. Both times this happened, I met with the other parents, heard their perspective, and recognized that these were not reasonable people and my child was not at fault.
Once was a little boy who was threatening my son. Met his parents, and they were rude and threatening and had no insight into why their child was wrong.
The other was a little girl who was encouraging all of the irks in the class not to talk to my daughter. I thought that maybe my daughter had gotten into an argument with this girl and was exaggerating. During this meeting, the girls’ mom mentioned that she was prom queen and her husband was a prominent attorney, then told me that some people just know how to make friends (like her child) and some just don’t. Again, no insight that her child’s behavior was not okay.

Anyway, I found it very helpful to get a better understanding of the situation and to advocate for my child.

The fact is, victims of bullying often create their own bullying. A crude way to put it is to say a kid has a punchable face. More charitably, the kid just doesn’t fit in. A SN kid doesn’t know how to carry himself, or a “regular” kid is just weird. Kids have enough going on just with learning and hormones. They don’t need to worry they’re going to shatter some kids when they’re just experimenting.

So you should attend. Technically the other kids are “at fault”, but yours plays a role. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go just because I’d be curious as to what they have to say, but that’s just me. I’d also keep my own mouth shut and not saying anything more than some sort of non-committal generalities.

I would be curious too.

When my children have been bullied in the past, I have really only had their word to go on, and I’ve wondered how they were contributing to the situation. Both times this happened, I met with the other parents, heard their perspective, and recognized that these were not reasonable people and my child was not at fault.
Once was a little boy who was threatening my son. Met his parents, and they were rude and threatening and had no insight into why their child was wrong.
The other was a little girl who was encouraging all of the irks in the class not to talk to my daughter. I thought that maybe my daughter had gotten into an argument with this girl and was exaggerating. During this meeting, the girls’ mom mentioned that she was prom queen and her husband was a prominent attorney, then told me that some people just know how to make friends (like her child) and some just don’t. Again, no insight that her child’s behavior was not okay.

Anyway, I found it very helpful to get a better understanding of the situation and to advocate for my child.

The fact is, victims of bullying often create their own bullying. A crude way to put it is to say a kid has a punchable face. More charitably, the kid just doesn’t fit in. A SN kid doesn’t know how to carry himself, or a “regular” kid is just weird. Kids have enough going on just with learning and hormones. They don’t need to worry they’re going to shatter some kids when they’re just experimenting.

So you should attend. Technically the other kids are “at fault”, but yours plays a role. Own it.

Are you a troll? Because that is some amazing victim-blaming. Also, it made no sense. The victim of bullying does not invite bullying by saying he himself has a punchable face, or just doesn't fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100% do NOT meet with them. Absolutely not. Same with the children.

But this defeats the goal of restorative justice.

I think the ethical thing to do, OP, is to honor the school’s (and the other parents) request; don’t you agree?

Restorative justice can only work if people give it a chance.

What’s the worst that could happen?

The OP doesn’t owe them anything.

As a society, don’t we all owe it to give restorative justice / social justice our absolute best efforts?

Who said the school's goal for this meeting was restorative justice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go just because I’d be curious as to what they have to say, but that’s just me. I’d also keep my own mouth shut and not saying anything more than some sort of non-committal generalities.

I would be curious too.

When my children have been bullied in the past, I have really only had their word to go on, and I’ve wondered how they were contributing to the situation. Both times this happened, I met with the other parents, heard their perspective, and recognized that these were not reasonable people and my child was not at fault.
Once was a little boy who was threatening my son. Met his parents, and they were rude and threatening and had no insight into why their child was wrong.
The other was a little girl who was encouraging all of the irks in the class not to talk to my daughter. I thought that maybe my daughter had gotten into an argument with this girl and was exaggerating. During this meeting, the girls’ mom mentioned that she was prom queen and her husband was a prominent attorney, then told me that some people just know how to make friends (like her child) and some just don’t. Again, no insight that her child’s behavior was not okay.

Anyway, I found it very helpful to get a better understanding of the situation and to advocate for my child.

The fact is, victims of bullying often create their own bullying. A crude way to put it is to say a kid has a punchable face. More charitably, the kid just doesn’t fit in. A SN kid doesn’t know how to carry himself, or a “regular” kid is just weird. Kids have enough going on just with learning and hormones. They don’t need to worry they’re going to shatter some kids when they’re just experimenting.

So you should attend. Technically the other kids are “at fault”, but yours plays a role. Own it.

LOL, "the bully was just experimenting with punching kids. He is not at fault."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, this meeting is very likely for the school's benefit, not yours, not the other family's, not the kids'. As a PP already said, it will allow the school to say, we got the parents together, it was amicable, families at this school talk things out, we're proactive about facilitating discussion here, etc. That's not about your child, it's about the school wanting to create a record that it had this meeting.

Just because you agreed to meet does not mean you now are locked into meeting. No one will punish you or your child somehow if you cancel.

Please listen to the posts above saying that the whole idea of this meeting seems unusual, and like a cover-our-backsides move by the school. You can't have that many weeks of school left. The school knows there's an issue between the kids and anything that happens in the next few weeks is going to be watched (one hopes). A meeting now is not going to have enough time left in the year to alter the bully's behavior. Focus instead on talking up the new school to your child.

I get the idea of being curious what the other parents and/or the school officials would say, I really do. I think it's just a normal human reaction to be curious in this case. I might, at a gut level, be frankly curious about what the bully's parents were like. But I wouldn't let that prod me to say yes to this meeting. It really can't change things, can't change the past bullying for sure, and won't create some magical cure for the other child's behavior this late in the game. You're out of there and don't owe the school or the other family a face to face on this.

I don’t disagree with anything you are saying here, but neither you nor anyone else on here has articulated why the meeting could be harmful to OP or her child. OP doesn’t need to care if the school’s motives are self-serving since she’s leaving, and OP’s child has already put up with the bullying all year, so I expect the family is prepared to accept the meeting won’t change anything. I would want to go just to hear what the school or the other family had to say if for no other reason than to be in a position to share my thoughts about how the school handled it with friends or acquaintances who may be choosing between it and others.

Out of all the reasoning and advise I’ve seen on threads, this one has to be the worst.

DP. I agree with that poster. There are lots of posts on this thread saying that OP shouldn't go to this meeting. But they aren't saying why.

OP cannot be harmed by this meeting. Possibly she could be helped or she could help the school, both of which are reasons to go. And she could get more information about the school, which is not unhelpful and potentially useful.

Yes OP can be harmed by the meeting. She does not need to help the school, she does not need to get information about the school. None of what you suggested is helpful to the OP or her child. You are absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go just because I’d be curious as to what they have to say, but that’s just me. I’d also keep my own mouth shut and not saying anything more than some sort of non-committal generalities.

I would be curious too.

When my children have been bullied in the past, I have really only had their word to go on, and I’ve wondered how they were contributing to the situation. Both times this happened, I met with the other parents, heard their perspective, and recognized that these were not reasonable people and my child was not at fault.
Once was a little boy who was threatening my son. Met his parents, and they were rude and threatening and had no insight into why their child was wrong.
The other was a little girl who was encouraging all of the irks in the class not to talk to my daughter. I thought that maybe my daughter had gotten into an argument with this girl and was exaggerating. During this meeting, the girls’ mom mentioned that she was prom queen and her husband was a prominent attorney, then told me that some people just know how to make friends (like her child) and some just don’t. Again, no insight that her child’s behavior was not okay.

Anyway, I found it very helpful to get a better understanding of the situation and to advocate for my child.

The fact is, victims of bullying often create their own bullying. A crude way to put it is to say a kid has a punchable face. More charitably, the kid just doesn’t fit in. A SN kid doesn’t know how to carry himself, or a “regular” kid is just weird. Kids have enough going on just with learning and hormones. They don’t need to worry they’re going to shatter some kids when they’re just experimenting.

So you should attend. Technically the other kids are “at fault”, but yours plays a role. Own it.

Are you a troll? Because that is some amazing victim-blaming. Also, it made no sense. The victim of bullying does not invite bullying by saying he himself has a punchable face, or just doesn't fit in.

DP: I'm a psychologist. Anyone can be bullied. Preventing bullying has a lot more to do with the school context (how adults monitor, how adults encourage students to act--including standing up for others, the consequences for bullying) than anything about your kid who is bullied. And actually a lot of what PP described as triggering bullying (for instance, being "weird" in some way) is far more likely to cause students to be excluded rather than bullied. People are more likely to bully someone they think could encroach on their place in a social hierarchy than someone they perceive to be fully an 'outsider' despite what decades of movie stereotypes show. Since bullying is by definition repeated aggression with intent to harm, the best way to stop it is to firmly address it the first time someone expresses aggression to them (-- the kid who experiences aggression stands firm and tells the kid to stop, ignores it and walks away, defuses the situation with humor or whatever makes sense with their specific individual situation). If it's a minor aggression, that may be enough. If it's more serious let teacher/other adult know and know how you want it handled---separation, consequence for bully, more monitoring depending on age/situation. If it ever happens more than once from the same person, even minor, let teacher/adult know and insist on letting them know how they will monitor it and what they will do if it happens again.

Sometimes people being bullied do bully others. If your kid complains of being the victim of aggression, ask your teacher if your kid has ever shown aggression to others. That's a different situation to handle.

As for OP, I'd want clarification on what this meeting is supposed to accomplish before agreeing to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go just because I don't have the time in the day for that kind of nonsense.

It's emotional labor being asked of the OP, particularly if somehow the other parents turn out to be manipulative bullies as well.

It's just time out of the day when OP could be doing literally anything else.

+1 My reading of this is that the school has gotten many complaints about this bully and his parents don't care, so they're using OP to help get a stronger message across to the other parents, possibly because they know OP is leaving soon anyway. The school wouldn't be asking for this meeting if the bully's parents were reasonable people. Expect the worst.

OP - before you go, ask the principal if the school has had any previous discussions with these parents, how many, and did the parents respond appropriately or even show up to meetings.

[Anonymous]

This is so silly and I cannot believe the OP is even entertaining this.