Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the first year end up for the class of 2025 and parents?!

I can’t believe the year is almost done. Little over two weeks of classes left and then finals for mine. It was a year of amazing growth both academically and socially for one. For the other (twins obviously), it was a year of sickness and injury. I can count on one hand how many weeks they were healthy since august drop off. Very tough year because of dealing with that and the transition.

Lessons learned:
1. More vitamins and meds on hand for the inevitable sicknesses. Also air filter.
2. We were told not to succumb to the pressure to rent an apartment for sophomore year in October but in reality that IS when you need to book
Something if you’re at a large state school. Glad the kids found a place then as there is nothing good left this spring.
3. Encourage the kids to bring home fall clothes at Thanksgiving and winter clothes at Easter.
4. Don’t stress about their grades. Don’t even ask. Trust me they are plenty stressed about it without you adding to it. If they stay out all night drinking and miss a class or an assignment, they will learn from their mistakes. Freshman year is going to be hard, don’t expect As even if your kid has never gotten worse than an A.
5. The piece of advice I have my kids when I left them at drop off was, “don’t be the drink freshman passed out on the bathroom floor”. Happy to say they never were and in fact are quite proud of that. Overall drinking has slowed down but those first few weeks (really until Midterms) were pretty out of control for many kids.

Who else wants to report?

Why and how would you know this? And why would you believe you know everything that is going on even if you are pressing for them to tell you or asking these questions in the first place? What normally developing 18 or 19 year old tells mommy about drinking at college. So odd to me.

Yes, have conversations about drinking. Don't drink something you haven't poured or opened yourself, don't leave your drink, don't leave your friends behind, etc. But honestly you people should not be this involved in the details.

Strikes me as odd that you don't talk to your kids about drinking or presumably anything else? I guess you were probably the poster last fall who proudly said they dropped off the kid and didn't expect to hear from them until break.

I talk to my kids, they trust me to they tell me things. They know I will not judge them. They ask for advice. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that relationship with their kids.

Did you see the part where I said that I have conversations with my kids about drinking? It was right there so hopefully you did. I just don't believe that my college freshman is giving me the blow by blow of all their experiences with alcohol in college, nor do I think they should. I think those of who you think this is happening have your heads pretty far up your asses.

My approach is ask open-ended questions. Don't pry. Don't judge. And they will tell you a lot, but I don't delude myself it's everything. Set them up to know your values and hopefully have your voice in their head of whatever wisdom you've given them when they make their own decisions. Set them up to trust themselves and know they can handle things. Hope for the best and catch them when they fall and need help. But my opinion is they need to live life and make mistakes and figure it out and sorry mom, sometimes that won't involve you when they are 18. And if it does, you have not done your job leading up to this age.

To clarify above, if they involve you in just day-to-day executive functioning skills at that age, you have not done your job leading up to this age. Of course they will still need you. And of course you will talk to them. I talk to mine regularly. But no they shouldn't need you to figure out how to manage a cold or sign up for classes or sort out their housing options. And if they drink too much the night before and feel really crappy and hungover, maybe not your lane either. Are some of you rushing a greasy egg and cheese sandwich via Uber Eats for the morning after??

haha nope. If they told me they were hungover I'd laugh along with them as they share their pain. My kids know how to "manage a cold" but yeah I have been helping my DD all year because she has had several significant illnesses and injuries including pneumonia, a concussion and an issue with her meds that caused a withdrawal. She calls me to ask for help or talk through the next steps. First time away from home is very tough to navigate especially when you are very sick or injured and especially for those who have any type of mental health issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Don't.

When I was a freshman in college, my parents were the hands off, you are an adult you can figure things out type. (they paid for college though so I wasn't financing it on my own)

I thought that was great until the end of the first month when the newness of the experience of being at college wore off and things were getting harder. I watched my roommate and suitemates with involved parents and realized they had a support system that I lacked. That had someone to call who would help them with the little things. Other freshman aren't really capable of being a support to another struggling freshman in the way an adult who is older is able to and of course one who loves and cares about you. Yes, there was a counseling center, advisors, professors but to be honest it was overwhelming to figure out how to get the best advice, from who, who talk to, and so on and I was nervous about admitting I needed help and was so unsure how to ask, I just didn't. Those with the involved parents just did better freshman year. They were happier. They had help from someone who loved them.

So make fun all you want but I learned that being involved in that first year of college is really important. The level of involvement isn't needed for all years and the things that OP wrote are very often those little things that make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

Your kid had Major surgery and you didn’t go to the hospital to check on him?!!! Wtf!!!! That’s not giving independence that’s friggen neglect! My kid is across the country and if she needed an appendectomy I’d be on the first plane out the next day. Wow. I’m glad I’m not your kid.

Wow...calm down. At what point in my post did I say I didn't go? When he called me, 7 after hours after getting himself admitted, seeing a doctor, and getting diagnosed, I actually did go to see him (although it was hours before I could because they kept him in the ER until pre-op and would not allow visitors because of COVID). Then I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while he was in surgery and then you know what I did? Because he was in so much pain? I spent the night in his room. And by the way, even if I hadn't, it wouldn't be "neglect." He's an adult. Would it be unfeeling, cold? Sure, but not neglect. But again, I went, cared for him, and spent the night with him in his hospital room. Was it because he needed his mommy to deal with his life? No, he takes care of himself. It's because he needed somebody to be compassionate and care for him. Also, I would never let a loved one stay alone in a hospital room if I can help it. Calm TF down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

I think you need to take a moment and really think about that. He was trying to figure out his own health care in a new place while in serious pain and he didn't even think to call you bc why? He must have figured you weren't going to be much help or sympathy or that you would look down on him for asking for help. It's pretty bad that he didn't even feel the need to ask for help from his own parents in this situation and sadly since you are trying to brag about this, it's clear you don't recognize this isn't a good situation. Also be careful about bringing op this situation IRL. I know you think it is a bragging point but no people won't see it that way and will just think less of you as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a checking account joint with your young adult. Makes moving funds fast and easy.
The roommate thing is no big deal. Short of a psychopath they will either be great friends or acquaintances. And honestly both are fine.
I did ask about grades. It’s her job to get good grades. Yes skip class. Yes f up get high and party. But also start learning the tipping points and balance needed to still be successful. That’s life.
The advisors are there to help. Ask questions. Keep pushing your kid back to asking their questions to the right persons. How many study abroad? Which credits count? How much? Which classes should they take this semester? Next semester?
If college is a plane flight away, pack clothes, then buy the bedding etc when you get there at target etc.
If mental health is a priority look it up ahead of time, find in network resources, learn what is offered at student health services
Encourage your kid to make a class plan for their time in undergrad. Mine did by second semester. It might change as interests change but they have a plan for graduating in 4 years with major and minor in areas of interest and a semester study abroad. They are future focused which at this age they should be.
Ask about alcohol and drug use. It’s very real thing on campuses. Keep ‘em talking to you.
Care packages are happily received.

Kids do not write checks. Venmo is their currency.

My kid has a debit card linked to our banking account. As do most of her friends. Easy to transfer money in and keep an eye on spending.

DS and I have a joint account that is actually his, but is linked to ours for transfers, and we've had it since he got his first jobs at age 15. I'll eventually drop off of it, and it will be his alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Don't.

When I was a freshman in college, my parents were the hands off, you are an adult you can figure things out type. (they paid for college though so I wasn't financing it on my own)

I thought that was great until the end of the first month when the newness of the experience of being at college wore off and things were getting harder. I watched my roommate and suitemates with involved parents and realized they had a support system that I lacked. That had someone to call who would help them with the little things. Other freshman aren't really capable of being a support to another struggling freshman in the way an adult who is older is able to and of course one who loves and cares about you. Yes, there was a counseling center, advisors, professors but to be honest it was overwhelming to figure out how to get the best advice, from who, who talk to, and so on and I was nervous about admitting I needed help and was so unsure how to ask, I just didn't. Those with the involved parents just did better freshman year. They were happier. They had help from someone who loved them.

So make fun all you want but I learned that being involved in that first year of college is really important. The level of involvement isn't needed for all years and the things that OP wrote are very often those little things that make a difference.

Are we at the personal anecdote portion of the thread?

I watched my roommate's incredibly intrusive mother contact her and visit constantly all year and felt bad for her. She made a joke out of it and we were all in it but it was...a lot. I called my parents once a week and did great.

The answer is likely the middle ground. I don't think most people are suggesting dropping them off and going no contact. But day-to-day involvement? Probably not. Help with basic level logistical tasks? Probably not. There as a sounding board to offer advice and help when asked? Definitely yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I see nothing wrong with OP's approach and that of many of the other posters. Why shame people for the choices they make? If you let your kid figure out housing and getting himself to the hospital before his appendix bursts and it works out, then great. But if other families deal with it differently or are a little more involved (which is understandable if they're the ones paying for housing or are concerned about a life-threatening and painful condition), then why criticize that? People really need to recognize that parenting and adjusting when kids leave for college doesn't have a one-size-fits-all solution. If you do it differently and it works, great. If not, also great. Kids also mature at different rates and just because they're not solo independent globetrotters by the time they turn 18, doesn't mean that they shouldn't go to college after high school.

My older kids are out of college and my younger ones are about to start. Both of my older ones did struggle initially moving away and learning to deal with issues that arose but are now graduated and working in nearby cities. Both of them wanted a closer relationship while away, so we often texted and occasionally Skyped or visited and it's what was good for them. With my younger ones, if might be different and that's okay too.

You people cannot read. I didn't know until over 7 hours after he took care of himself. The point being: I raised an independent young man. He knew what to do for himself. Once he called me, many hours after the fact to tell me (how could I know if I didn't know?), I went to the hospital. God, there is really something wrong with all of you. You say, "why shame people?" then make erroneous stupid judgements of others? I would guess you really don't know what' good for them, honestly, if you cannot even speak or read with any coherence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Don't.

When I was a freshman in college, my parents were the hands off, you are an adult you can figure things out type. (they paid for college though so I wasn't financing it on my own)

I thought that was great until the end of the first month when the newness of the experience of being at college wore off and things were getting harder. I watched my roommate and suitemates with involved parents and realized they had a support system that I lacked. That had someone to call who would help them with the little things. Other freshman aren't really capable of being a support to another struggling freshman in the way an adult who is older is able to and of course one who loves and cares about you. Yes, there was a counseling center, advisors, professors but to be honest it was overwhelming to figure out how to get the best advice, from who, who talk to, and so on and I was nervous about admitting I needed help and was so unsure how to ask, I just didn't. Those with the involved parents just did better freshman year. They were happier. They had help from someone who loved them.

So make fun all you want but I learned that being involved in that first year of college is really important. The level of involvement isn't needed for all years and the things that OP wrote are very often those little things that make a difference.

Are we at the personal anecdote portion of the thread?

I watched my roommate's incredibly intrusive mother contact her and visit constantly all year and felt bad for her. She made a joke out of it and we were all in it but it was...a lot. I called my parents once a week and did great.

The answer is likely the middle ground. I don't think most people are suggesting dropping them off and going no contact. But day-to-day involvement? Probably not. Help with basic level logistical tasks? Probably not. There as a sounding board to offer advice and help when asked? Definitely yes.

This, exactly. The rest of you helicopter moms really need to learn the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Don't.

When I was a freshman in college, my parents were the hands off, you are an adult you can figure things out type. (they paid for college though so I wasn't financing it on my own)

I thought that was great until the end of the first month when the newness of the experience of being at college wore off and things were getting harder. I watched my roommate and suitemates with involved parents and realized they had a support system that I lacked. That had someone to call who would help them with the little things. Other freshman aren't really capable of being a support to another struggling freshman in the way an adult who is older is able to and of course one who loves and cares about you. Yes, there was a counseling center, advisors, professors but to be honest it was overwhelming to figure out how to get the best advice, from who, who talk to, and so on and I was nervous about admitting I needed help and was so unsure how to ask, I just didn't. Those with the involved parents just did better freshman year. They were happier. They had help from someone who loved them.

So make fun all you want but I learned that being involved in that first year of college is really important. The level of involvement isn't needed for all years and the things that OP wrote are very often those little things that make a difference.

Are we at the personal anecdote portion of the thread?

I watched my roommate's incredibly intrusive mother contact her and visit constantly all year and felt bad for her. She made a joke out of it and we were all in it but it was...a lot. I called my parents once a week and did great.

The answer is likely the middle ground. I don't think most people are suggesting dropping them off and going no contact. But day-to-day involvement? Probably not. Help with basic level logistical tasks? Probably not. There as a sounding board to offer advice and help when asked? Definitely yes.

NP. My roommate probably thought of us as friends, but she was absolute hell to live with. Eventually my parents let me go home once or twice a month to get away from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

I think you need to take a moment and really think about that. He was trying to figure out his own health care in a new place while in serious pain and he didn't even think to call you bc why? He must have figured you weren't going to be much help or sympathy or that you would look down on him for asking for help. It's pretty bad that he didn't even feel the need to ask for help from his own parents in this situation and sadly since you are trying to brag about this, it's clear you don't recognize this isn't a good situation. Also be careful about bringing op this situation IRL. I know you think it is a bragging point but no people won't see it that way and will just think less of you as a person.

Figuring out how to get to a hospital ER really isn't that hard for some people. You/re putting a lot of your own lens on this. Your child at 18 would apparently not know what to do and feel overwhelmed. Genuinely, not every kid would react the same way.

[Anonymous]

How about you handle your kid and I’ll handle mine. Novel idea, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

[Anonymous]

These types of threads always devolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I see nothing wrong with OP's approach and that of many of the other posters. Why shame people for the choices they make? If you let your kid figure out housing and getting himself to the hospital before his appendix bursts and it works out, then great. But if other families deal with it differently or are a little more involved (which is understandable if they're the ones paying for housing or are concerned about a life-threatening and painful condition), then why criticize that? People really need to recognize that parenting and adjusting when kids leave for college doesn't have a one-size-fits-all solution. If you do it differently and it works, great. If not, also great. Kids also mature at different rates and just because they're not solo independent globetrotters by the time they turn 18, doesn't mean that they shouldn't go to college after high school.

My older kids are out of college and my younger ones are about to start. Both of my older ones did struggle initially moving away and learning to deal with issues that arose but are now graduated and working in nearby cities. Both of them wanted a closer relationship while away, so we often texted and occasionally Skyped or visited and it's what was good for them. With my younger ones, if might be different and that's okay too.

You people cannot read. I didn't know until over 7 hours after he took care of himself. The point being: I raised an independent young man. He knew what to do for himself. Once he called me, many hours after the fact to tell me (how could I know if I didn't know?), I went to the hospital. God, there is really something wrong with all of you. You say, "why shame people?" then make erroneous stupid judgements of others? I would guess you really don't know what' good for them, honestly, if you cannot even speak or read with any coherence.

I can read and I think you did a great job raising a capable and independent son!

[Anonymous]

I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.