Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

Your kid had Major surgery and you didn’t go to the hospital to check on him?!!! Wtf!!!! That’s not giving independence that’s friggen neglect! My kid is across the country and if she needed an appendectomy I’d be on the first plane out the next day. Wow. I’m glad I’m not your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

My parents basically bounced me on my merry way at age 18. I will absolutely be more interested in my kids' life in college. There is a lot of things happening all at once and some parental guidance at this age is not helicopter, but parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

This is why they graduate from college and can't function.

Are you one person having a conversation with yourself?

You would jump in the helicopter if your 18-year-old announced she wanted to get married. No parent is completely hands off.

Strawman argument.

Tell me you don't know what a strawman is without telling me you don't know what a strawman is.

[Anonymous]

NP. I see nothing wrong with OP's approach and that of many of the other posters. Why shame people for the choices they make? If you let your kid figure out housing and getting himself to the hospital before his appendix bursts and it works out, then great. But if other families deal with it differently or are a little more involved (which is understandable if they're the ones paying for housing or are concerned about a life-threatening and painful condition), then why criticize that? People really need to recognize that parenting and adjusting when kids leave for college doesn't have a one-size-fits-all solution. If you do it differently and it works, great. If not, also great. Kids also mature at different rates and just because they're not solo independent globetrotters by the time they turn 18, doesn't mean that they shouldn't go to college after high school.

My older kids are out of college and my younger ones are about to start. Both of my older ones did struggle initially moving away and learning to deal with issues that arose but are now graduated and working in nearby cities. Both of them wanted a closer relationship while away, so we often texted and occasionally Skyped or visited and it's what was good for them. With my younger ones, if might be different and that's okay too.

[Anonymous]

We did all the “wrong” things (my kids called almost every day, one lived at home for first two years, etc) and I think my kids are doing pretty well to say the least post-college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

My parents basically bounced me on my merry way at age 18. I will absolutely be more interested in my kids' life in college. There is a lot of things happening all at once and some parental guidance at this age is not helicopter, but parenting.

PP here and mine did, too, and I am soooo grateful for their “neglect,” to be honest. Yes, I had some rough patches, made some mistakes, but I figured it out. I did it my way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

My parents basically bounced me on my merry way at age 18. I will absolutely be more interested in my kids' life in college. There is a lot of things happening all at once and some parental guidance at this age is not helicopter, but parenting.

PP here and mine did, too, and I am soooo grateful for their “neglect,” to be honest. Yes, I had some rough patches, made some mistakes, but I figured it out. I did it my way!

Financially? It’s 2022. Go look up tuition even at NoVa. Parents have every right to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the first year end up for the class of 2025 and parents?!

I can’t believe the year is almost done. Little over two weeks of classes left and then finals for mine. It was a year of amazing growth both academically and socially for one. For the other (twins obviously), it was a year of sickness and injury. I can count on one hand how many weeks they were healthy since august drop off. Very tough year because of dealing with that and the transition.

Lessons learned:
1. More vitamins and meds on hand for the inevitable sicknesses. Also air filter.
2. We were told not to succumb to the pressure to rent an apartment for sophomore year in October but in reality that IS when you need to book
Something if you’re at a large state school. Glad the kids found a place then as there is nothing good left this spring.
3. Encourage the kids to bring home fall clothes at Thanksgiving and winter clothes at Easter.
4. Don’t stress about their grades. Don’t even ask. Trust me they are plenty stressed about it without you adding to it. If they stay out all night drinking and miss a class or an assignment, they will learn from their mistakes. Freshman year is going to be hard, don’t expect As even if your kid has never gotten worse than an A.
5. The piece of advice I have my kids when I left them at drop off was, “don’t be the drink freshman passed out on the bathroom floor”. Happy to say they never were and in fact are quite proud of that. Overall drinking has slowed down but those first few weeks (really until Midterms) were pretty out of control for many kids.

Who else wants to report?

Why and how would you know this? And why would you believe you know everything that is going on even if you are pressing for them to tell you or asking these questions in the first place? What normally developing 18 or 19 year old tells mommy about drinking at college. So odd to me.

Yes, have conversations about drinking. Don't drink something you haven't poured or opened yourself, don't leave your drink, don't leave your friends behind, etc. But honestly you people should not be this involved in the details.

Strikes me as odd that you don't talk to your kids about drinking or presumably anything else? I guess you were probably the poster last fall who proudly said they dropped off the kid and didn't expect to hear from them until break.

I talk to my kids, they trust me to they tell me things. They know I will not judge them. They ask for advice. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that relationship with their kids.

Did you see the part where I said that I have conversations with my kids about drinking? It was right there so hopefully you did. I just don't believe that my college freshman is giving me the blow by blow of all their experiences with alcohol in college, nor do I think they should. I think those of who you think this is happening have your heads pretty far up your asses.

My approach is ask open-ended questions. Don't pry. Don't judge. And they will tell you a lot, but I don't delude myself it's everything. Set them up to know your values and hopefully have your voice in their head of whatever wisdom you've given them when they make their own decisions. Set them up to trust themselves and know they can handle things. Hope for the best and catch them when they fall and need help. But my opinion is they need to live life and make mistakes and figure it out and sorry mom, sometimes that won't involve you when they are 18. And if it does, you have not done your job leading up to this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

My parents basically bounced me on my merry way at age 18. I will absolutely be more interested in my kids' life in college. There is a lot of things happening all at once and some parental guidance at this age is not helicopter, but parenting.

PP here and mine did, too, and I am soooo grateful for their “neglect,” to be honest. Yes, I had some rough patches, made some mistakes, but I figured it out. I did it my way!

Financially? It’s 2022. Go look up tuition even at NoVa. Parents have every right to be involved.

Good lord, this generation of kids is going to be stunted in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

My parents basically bounced me on my merry way at age 18. I will absolutely be more interested in my kids' life in college. There is a lot of things happening all at once and some parental guidance at this age is not helicopter, but parenting.

PP here and mine did, too, and I am soooo grateful for their “neglect,” to be honest. Yes, I had some rough patches, made some mistakes, but I figured it out. I did it my way!

Financially? It’s 2022. Go look up tuition even at NoVa. Parents have every right to be involved.

Good lord, this generation of kids is going to be stunted in so many ways.

Yes, they are going to be stunted because the tuition is so high they can’t even pay it themselves so the parents have to stay involved and pay it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

I agree! My dd and I don't speak on the phone - ever, we both dislike phone calls - but chitchat by text a few times a day most days. Sometimes it's just sharing a silly meme or picture, other times she will ask for my take or advice on something. It means a lot to me that I am one of the people she has in her life to reach out to and does it voluntarily, I certainly didn't have that kind of relationship with my own parent. I don't know a TON about her day to day, but I have a decent sense of the things that are going really well and make her happy, the things that are sometimes stressful or difficult, and how she is navigating them. For a parent of a 19yo that feels like a pretty good place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the first year end up for the class of 2025 and parents?!

I can’t believe the year is almost done. Little over two weeks of classes left and then finals for mine. It was a year of amazing growth both academically and socially for one. For the other (twins obviously), it was a year of sickness and injury. I can count on one hand how many weeks they were healthy since august drop off. Very tough year because of dealing with that and the transition.

Lessons learned:
1. More vitamins and meds on hand for the inevitable sicknesses. Also air filter.
2. We were told not to succumb to the pressure to rent an apartment for sophomore year in October but in reality that IS when you need to book
Something if you’re at a large state school. Glad the kids found a place then as there is nothing good left this spring.
3. Encourage the kids to bring home fall clothes at Thanksgiving and winter clothes at Easter.
4. Don’t stress about their grades. Don’t even ask. Trust me they are plenty stressed about it without you adding to it. If they stay out all night drinking and miss a class or an assignment, they will learn from their mistakes. Freshman year is going to be hard, don’t expect As even if your kid has never gotten worse than an A.
5. The piece of advice I have my kids when I left them at drop off was, “don’t be the drink freshman passed out on the bathroom floor”. Happy to say they never were and in fact are quite proud of that. Overall drinking has slowed down but those first few weeks (really until Midterms) were pretty out of control for many kids.

Who else wants to report?

Why and how would you know this? And why would you believe you know everything that is going on even if you are pressing for them to tell you or asking these questions in the first place? What normally developing 18 or 19 year old tells mommy about drinking at college. So odd to me.

Yes, have conversations about drinking. Don't drink something you haven't poured or opened yourself, don't leave your drink, don't leave your friends behind, etc. But honestly you people should not be this involved in the details.

Strikes me as odd that you don't talk to your kids about drinking or presumably anything else? I guess you were probably the poster last fall who proudly said they dropped off the kid and didn't expect to hear from them until break.

I talk to my kids, they trust me to they tell me things. They know I will not judge them. They ask for advice. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that relationship with their kids.

Did you see the part where I said that I have conversations with my kids about drinking? It was right there so hopefully you did. I just don't believe that my college freshman is giving me the blow by blow of all their experiences with alcohol in college, nor do I think they should. I think those of who you think this is happening have your heads pretty far up your asses.

My approach is ask open-ended questions. Don't pry. Don't judge. And they will tell you a lot, but I don't delude myself it's everything. Set them up to know your values and hopefully have your voice in their head of whatever wisdom you've given them when they make their own decisions. Set them up to trust themselves and know they can handle things. Hope for the best and catch them when they fall and need help. But my opinion is they need to live life and make mistakes and figure it out and sorry mom, sometimes that won't involve you when they are 18. And if it does, you have not done your job leading up to this age.

To clarify above, if they involve you in just day-to-day executive functioning skills at that age, you have not done your job leading up to this age. Of course they will still need you. And of course you will talk to them. I talk to mine regularly. But no they shouldn't need you to figure out how to manage a cold or sign up for classes or sort out their housing options. And if they drink too much the night before and feel really crappy and hungover, maybe not your lane either. Are some of you rushing a greasy egg and cheese sandwich via Uber Eats for the morning after??

[Anonymous]

If you’re on this board at all, you’re a helicopter parent. It’s not an insult. But my parents would’ve never even known to access such a board (or save for college or many other things rightfully deemed important here).