Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, before you go off the deep end, stop. People will say this when they're upset, without meaning it. My mother has said the most God-awful things to me. I will never forget them. I also know she adores me, so it's complicated, but it illustrates my point - that someone who likes you can also hurt you like this.

So take a deep breath. Consider yourself off the hook for future holidays and birthdays. This is a damaged person who lashed out because she's not emotionally intelligent, and who may possibly have other things going on as well, perhaps due to age or health. Go no contact for a while.

Uhhh…. WTH!
People do not say ‘the most God awful’ things… My motherSnd I fight but neither of us have said god awful things and if your mother says them to you on a regular basis and you are normalizing it that is the epitome dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

I see your enmeshment here. You crave this relationship. You already knew before this incident who she was. You say that she says mean things about her daughter Andy there’s lots of slights that you have ignored because you want her favor and today she finally turned on you in your face because she’s turned on you before you just didn’t know about it. She didn’t just change, this is the kind of ugly person that she is and I’m sorry that you were hurt but I honestly don’t understand people who say ‘oh I’m so close to so and so , she’s mean to everybody else but she is not like that with me. She’s not looking me that with you YET!. She is mean, she’s mean , she’s gonna be mean to you and I don’t care if she likes you, loves you or anything else, if that’s who she is that is the hell who she is.

[Anonymous]

Be happy you are moving away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how to proceed from here and am vaguely fantasizing about divorce to get away from her! I trusted this woman and she stabbed me in the back.

If you divorce, can you get your kids away from her even with a 50:50 custody split? I'd say keep moving farther, then divorce your husband if he won't stand up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.

Never ever use your kids like this.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say when you tell him about how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Is no one else thinking what I'm thinking? Of course she didn't knock. She's knocked before and gotten an earful about precious sleeping babies.

OP, I'm confused. I thought you moved away recently, but you say she's been driving this far for a decade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is no one else thinking what I'm thinking? Of course she didn't knock. She's knocked before and gotten an earful about precious sleeping babies.

OP, I'm confused. I thought you moved away recently, but you say she's been driving this far for a decade?

She said they are moving this summer. It’s on the first page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

I agree with this. He was pot-stirring, which means that he was jealous of your relationship or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

Missing a dinner with grandma is "a deep hurt...[that] cannot be over stated" for your kid - really? Give us a break, OP. Based on your info here, your kid is pretty young. She has the memory of a goldfish. Your MIL sounds very high maintenance but you are clearly also a drama queen and fueling some of this. There was a miscommunication, some adult feelings were hurt, adults should get over it. Kids should be left out of the drama entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

You’re being dramatic here. Why would you text your MIL? You could have simply told your daughter that grandma had a sudden change of plans.

OP - you and your MIL are both drama queens. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

You're thinking of divorce... beacause you had one fight with your MIL?

Drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, OP, I am in the same boat!

I was never very close to my own mom, and my MIL hadn't been close to hers either, which was something we bonded over.

My husband was never very close to either of his parents but I tried really hard for the last 13 years to make sure we spent time with them, and once our kids were born 8 years ago, made it even more of a priority for them to spend time with my in-laws.

My FIL, who has always been an a$$, recently said something incredibly hurtful after my dad, to whom I was very, very close, died. My husband dealt with it and explained that his dad's behavior was unacceptable.

MIL went nuts and started saying that there was always drama whenever we had spent time with them, that I was cruel and manipulative, and that we had used her for years.

It's clear that she was lashing out because she couldn't control what her husband did (and he has long been verbally abusive towards her, but that's another story). Anyway, it completely ruined things between us. She has never apologized for calling me names (and I am a lot of things, but I'm not guilty of what she accused me of), and she just continues to lash out at my husband and tell other people that her husband did nothing wrong and that he has apologized a million times (he has never once apologized or even come close to doing so).

I'll tell you what it's not you, it's your MIL. No idea what caused this from her, but I'm sorry you're the victim of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, before you go off the deep end, stop. People will say this when they're upset, without meaning it. My mother has said the most God-awful things to me. I will never forget them. I also know she adores me, so it's complicated, but it illustrates my point - that someone who likes you can also hurt you like this.

So take a deep breath. Consider yourself off the hook for future holidays and birthdays. This is a damaged person who lashed out because she's not emotionally intelligent, and who may possibly have other things going on as well, perhaps due to age or health. Go no contact for a while.

OP, check out Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm the PP above and my husband had read this and so much of it rings true with his parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

OP, my in-laws also blame me for the distance between them and our family, when in reality it is 100% my husband's choice, not mine (I said I'd back him with whatever he chose).

It is way easier for your MIL to put all the blame on your rather than to acknowledge that her own son isn't close with her. It's classic dysfunctional behavior.