Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy you are moving away!

+1. Let her act out like a crazy person and take it in stride but enjoy the distance once you move. And in the future no more texts about how your child was crying all day because a visitor didn’t come. Take the high road; tell the kid grandma isn’t able to make it and help her move on from the disappointment and tell grandma to please knock next time if you don’t answer the phone. Sending long emotional text messages just furthers your involvement in her drama.

[Anonymous]

I had this issue with my MIL. I ended up becoming icy cold and rarely speak to her. I send my kids to visit her alone. It worked out great. MIL is pretty controlling and I’m not one to play along with her. I have always been my own person and I left her to manage her own feelings about me. I don’t care. Like me or hate me, doesn’t matter to me. That said, I want her to have a positive and great relationship with my kids. My kids’ relationship with her is independent from mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you steal your husband's sweetness before your wedding night?

He gave it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

BINGO!

I definitely think she's upset about the move, however...

She mentioned long term resentment, and that is NOT about the move.
That's something she feels every. single. day.
Something that's nagging, gnawing & chipping away at her fondness for you, and I think this PP hit the nail on the proverbial head.

It sounds like you're a SAHM, OP?
And if you are I'm sure it's exactly what your family requires & what works for you guys, as you have 3 young children and you've already mentioned that your husband works/is away a great deal.

However, after that knock she made about you being entitled & always wanting the next best thing, I think her resentment REALLY lies with you... staying home all day where you can leisurely lay around, sleeping in until noon, spending all of your husband's money shopping for the new house, for new clothes for you, for whatever is next & trendy, getting mani-pedi's 32 times a week, eating bon-bons off of the pool boys abs (or whatever other nonsense she's conjured up in her mind).
All the while her poor, adorable, sweet, hardworking little baby boy; who's naive to the black magic spells of a temptresses like you, as he just toils away at work like he's working 18 hours a day in a sweat shop, day after day, killing himself with work, stress & bills because all he wants to do in life & all that makes him happy is wanting to please YOU... his controlling & demanding wife!
He obviously can't stand the thought of disappointing you and he cannot find the strength to ever tell you no to anything... so he buys you new house, after new house, and upcoming new house and then we obviously have to buy new furnishings and start shopping all over.. yay!

Now obviously I'm overly, OVERLY exaggerating OP -- but if you are a SAHM, I guarantee you that this is a part of her resentment towards you, especially since she knows how hard your husband works, and she thinks that you don't seem appreciative of anything that he provides, because all you can think of is what you want next.

If this is the case, your husband may be giving her that impression without even realizing he is.

Maybe he wanted sympathy from her one day, sho he told her how exhausted he is, how hard he works, how he feels unappreciated?
That may not be true at all, but if his relationship with her is as difficult as you've said... he very well may have done that in hopes of making his relationship with his mom easier?

Only you know the truth, OP... but I'd start by asking your husband if she's ever made little comments here and there about you being home and not working?
Only then will you know the truth.

Good luck with your upcoming move, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

I agree with this. He was pot-stirring, which means that he was jealous of your relationship or something similar.

OR, he may have wanted her to know that he also feels the same way that his mother does, but he wanted to avoid conflict or her getting mad at him, so this was his way of letting the OP know his true feelings without being the bad guy/the person she gets mad at.

You ever hear the expression "don't shoot the messenger"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

BINGO!

I definitely think she's upset about the move, however...

She mentioned long term resentment, and that is NOT about the move.
That's something she feels every. single. day.
Something that's nagging, gnawing & chipping away at her fondness for you, and I think this PP hit the nail on the proverbial head.

It sounds like you're a SAHM, OP?
And if you are I'm sure it's exactly what your family requires & what works for you guys, as you have 3 young children and you've already mentioned that your husband works/is away a great deal.

However, after that knock she made about you being entitled & always wanting the next best thing, I think her resentment REALLY lies with you... staying home all day where you can leisurely lay around, sleeping in until noon, spending all of your husband's money shopping for the new house, for new clothes for you, for whatever is next & trendy, getting mani-pedi's 32 times a week, eating bon-bons off of the pool boys abs (or whatever other nonsense she's conjured up in her mind).
All the while her poor, adorable, sweet, hardworking little baby boy; who's naive to the black magic spells of a temptresses like you, as he just toils away at work like he's working 18 hours a day in a sweat shop, day after day, killing himself with work, stress & bills because all he wants to do in life & all that makes him happy is wanting to please YOU... his controlling & demanding wife!
He obviously can't stand the thought of disappointing you and he cannot find the strength to ever tell you no to anything... so he buys you new house, after new house, and upcoming new house and then we obviously have to buy new furnishings and start shopping all over.. yay!

Now obviously I'm overly, OVERLY exaggerating OP -- but if you are a SAHM, I guarantee you that this is a part of her resentment towards you, especially since she knows how hard your husband works, and she thinks that you don't seem appreciative of anything that he provides, because all you can think of is what you want next.

If this is the case, your husband may be giving her that impression without even realizing he is.

Maybe he wanted sympathy from her one day, sho he told her how exhausted he is, how hard he works, how he feels unappreciated?
That may not be true at all, but if his relationship with her is as difficult as you've said... he very well may have done that in hopes of making his relationship with his mom easier?

Only you know the truth, OP... but I'd start by asking your husband if she's ever made little comments here and there about you being home and not working?
Only then will you know the truth.

Good luck with your upcoming move, OP!

Lol this post was great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

I agree with this. He was pot-stirring, which means that he was jealous of your relationship or something similar.

OR, he may have wanted her to know that he also feels the same way that his mother does, but he wanted to avoid conflict or her getting mad at him, so this was his way of letting the OP know his true feelings without being the bad guy/the person she gets mad at.

You ever hear the expression "don't shoot the messenger"?

Yes, very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

BINGO!

I definitely think she's upset about the move, however...

She mentioned long term resentment, and that is NOT about the move.
That's something she feels every. single. day.
Something that's nagging, gnawing & chipping away at her fondness for you, and I think this PP hit the nail on the proverbial head.

It sounds like you're a SAHM, OP?
And if you are I'm sure it's exactly what your family requires & what works for you guys, as you have 3 young children and you've already mentioned that your husband works/is away a great deal.

However, after that knock she made about you being entitled & always wanting the next best thing, I think her resentment REALLY lies with you... staying home all day where you can leisurely lay around, sleeping in until noon, spending all of your husband's money shopping for the new house, for new clothes for you, for whatever is next & trendy, getting mani-pedi's 32 times a week, eating bon-bons off of the pool boys abs (or whatever other nonsense she's conjured up in her mind).
All the while her poor, adorable, sweet, hardworking little baby boy; who's naive to the black magic spells of a temptresses like you, as he just toils away at work like he's working 18 hours a day in a sweat shop, day after day, killing himself with work, stress & bills because all he wants to do in life & all that makes him happy is wanting to please YOU... his controlling & demanding wife!
He obviously can't stand the thought of disappointing you and he cannot find the strength to ever tell you no to anything... so he buys you new house, after new house, and upcoming new house and then we obviously have to buy new furnishings and start shopping all over.. yay!

Now obviously I'm overly, OVERLY exaggerating OP -- but if you are a SAHM, I guarantee you that this is a part of her resentment towards you, especially since she knows how hard your husband works, and she thinks that you don't seem appreciative of anything that he provides, because all you can think of is what you want next.

If this is the case, your husband may be giving her that impression without even realizing he is.

Maybe he wanted sympathy from her one day, sho he told her how exhausted he is, how hard he works, how he feels unappreciated?
That may not be true at all, but if his relationship with her is as difficult as you've said... he very well may have done that in hopes of making his relationship with his mom easier?

Only you know the truth, OP... but I'd start by asking your husband if she's ever made little comments here and there about you being home and not working?
Only then will you know the truth.

Good luck with your upcoming move, OP!

Lol this post was great!

Agreed, the bolded is spot on!

OP, you've either moved or are preparing to move your 3 young children a total of 3 times in 6 years... and you wonder *why* your MIL has the impression that you're always on the hunt for the next new thing?? LOL!

This definitely revolves around her perception of your character, as well as how she perceives that you spend your days (all while her precious son works himself to death in order to keep you happy, of course!). 😑

In MIL's eyes, you probably seem quite unappreciative, bored, unhappy, unsatisfied, etc unless you're on the prowl for the next best thing.

She's all too aware of the long, back-breaking hours her son works, simply to provide you with house, after house, after house and you never seem content.

Oh, and while we're on the subject...

I imagine I don't have to tell you that purchasing and selling your family home 3 separate times within a 6 year time period (with 3 small children in tow) is utterly bananas... b-a-n-a-n-a-s!
No really, it's cuckoo for cocoa puffs to say the least.

I think most folks will agree that moving is one of life's most tedious demands, as it requires not only such strenuous physical exertion, but the mental exertion expended may be even more taxing & draining on you. Moving extracts such an enormous amount of physical & mental bandwidth from us, that most sane people don't want to even contemplate moving for a long, long time after they've recently moved. Most folks want to plant roots, intoduce & enmesh themselves in their new community, and most of all... make their new house into a home.

Thus, thinking about the nightmare of moving again in less than 5-10 years after I've moved (let alone 2 years) would give me such anxiety.

I do think it's *highly* unusual to go through the sell/purchase process every 2 years in 6 years, which is exactly where she's arrived at this perception of you that you're never satisfied and always on the hunt for the next best thing.

It's really not rocket science. 🚀

[Anonymous]

What did you say to her, op? Let's hear what dirty laundry you aired during this heated exchange.
Then, we might understand a bit better where both of you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I don’t have the exact text but she said I am always wanting the next thing, the next baby, the next house. We had three babies, each in two years, and moved twice during that time for bigger housing which is what she is referring to. We have decided to move out of state much farther from her this summer and she apparently blames me for that even though my husband was the primary driver of this.

The initial issue really was minor. She was supposed to arrive at dinner but I thought it was earlier. No big deal on my end, either was fine. We were available at both times and the kid was happy to go with her. Also, I missed her phone call when she called to tell me she was there to get the kid, so rather than knocking she got angry, left me a mean voicemail, and drove the three hours home while apparently sobbing (she would not accept my calls but accepted my husbands call)

You are not making sense with the second paragraph. I do not get anything there at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- edited to add I was home when I missed her phone call, my phone was on silent on the counter and I was on the couch. If she would have knocked on the door and not had a huge tantrum, it all would have been fine!

Ok, that part is now clearer. Instead of knocking she sat like some victim of her own device in the car thinking she was ignored...LOL! You might see this more and more as she ages. Some people love imagining being victims. Both my FIL and my mom do this. FIL was going to get rid of his phone! since he had no need for it. While it is extremely irritating when they imagine these slights, I learned to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

Seriously, op. Why did you make grandma feel guilty and not just told your dd to stop making a big fuss. You acted totally out of like with this nasty guilt tripping of grandma.

[Anonymous]

People that are a family have disagreements, lose their patience, get frustrated, act out, kind of like you and your MIL both did.
Now, the test of a truly mature person is to move on, accept the failings of others as well as their own. Own their mistakes and hope that the other side will do the same.
Sounds like there is some dynamic here op where you act like a boss to your MIL, that perhaps she does provide many services to you, as you do to her, dinners, babysitting, being a good grandma.
Understand that there is no such thing as a perfect person.
You say you have issues with your own mom, right? Now, I do not know what they are, but here you are now having issue with you MIL.
Ask yourself if you might, at least in some small part, be a common denominator?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she showed up at 4pm and you expected her to show at 6pm, only have dinner with your daughter and leave? So 6 hours of driving for 1 or 2 hour meal? That seems really unreasonable. Was this your idea?

I agree that this is nuts. Why can't grandma spend the night?

[Anonymous]

There was something else happening in between with texts, come on people. Op texted her MIL something that made her think, here I am and they are not even at home. MIL presumed they were not at home.