Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

I am not close with my own mom and had considered myself very close with my MIL of 12 years. She a great grandma to our kids and overall can be kind of difficult and negative but I considered her family and didn’t think much of it. I have done a ton of emotional labor over the years of hosting holidays and her visits as my DH works a lot and I am mostly home with the kids.

We had a minor miscommunication yesterday about arrival time which completely blew up and went sideways. She blew up at me, criticized me for many things, and, in a long text to my husband, said that she has a long term resentment towards me that she didn’t fully understand until yesterday. She thinks I am ungrateful and dissatisfied, her words.

I am absolutely gutted by this. We have had some minor squabbles throughout the years, but this came out of the blue and is totally mind blowing. I don’t know how to proceed from here and am vaguely fantasizing about divorce to get away from her! I trusted this woman and she stabbed me in the back.


Advice? Anyone older and wiser who has been there?

[Anonymous]

Take a break from hosting the holidays, for one. DH needs to set his mom straight.

[Anonymous]

I'd continue to let her shine in the grandma role, but would pull back in my interactions with her. Continue to be polite and friendly.

If she is communicating she feels used for childcare and help, then look at decreasing that time.

[Anonymous]

OK, before you go off the deep end, stop. People will say this when they're upset, without meaning it. My mother has said the most God-awful things to me. I will never forget them. I also know she adores me, so it's complicated, but it illustrates my point - that someone who likes you can also hurt you like this.

So take a deep breath. Consider yourself off the hook for future holidays and birthdays. This is a damaged person who lashed out because she's not emotionally intelligent, and who may possibly have other things going on as well, perhaps due to age or health. Go no contact for a while.

[Anonymous]

Care to share exactly what went down?

[Anonymous]

Is she being unreasonable? Be honest.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re a bit enmeshed because of your relationship with your mother — you’ve turned her into a surrogate mother. And you are taking this too personally.

She had a moment, she is human and as you mentioned prone to negativity and possibly anxiety. This isn’t about you. Take the high road and just step back.

For yourself, think about this concept of “family” and the assumptions you have built into it. Try and figure out where this comes from in your own needs and feelings.

[Anonymous]

Did you steal your husband's sweetness before your wedding night?

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

[Anonymous]

What exactly did she say.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to really think about what she said and what it really means. Are you, without realizing it, acting this way?

Also, you might consider if you in general act ungrateful for what you have and dissatisfied with your life.

I had someone I care for deeply say something that gutted me, too. I took the time to understand where she was coming from, and what things I did to make her feel that way.

At some level what she said was true, but I saw that it was coming from a place of her own unhappiness. Due to that she read most anything through a negative light, whether I intended it that way or not.

[Anonymous]

What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I don’t have the exact text but she said I am always wanting the next thing, the next baby, the next house. We had three babies, each in two years, and moved twice during that time for bigger housing which is what she is referring to. We have decided to move out of state much farther from her this summer and she apparently blames me for that even though my husband was the primary driver of this.

The initial issue really was minor. She was supposed to arrive at dinner but I thought it was earlier. No big deal on my end, either was fine. We were available at both times and the kid was happy to go with her. Also, I missed her phone call when she called to tell me she was there to get the kid, so rather than knocking she got angry, left me a mean voicemail, and drove the three hours home while apparently sobbing (she would not accept my calls but accepted my husbands call)

[Anonymous]

Op- edited to add I was home when I missed her phone call, my phone was on silent on the counter and I was on the couch. If she would have knocked on the door and not had a huge tantrum, it all would have been fine!