Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

Totally agree. Also, you don’t own your MILs resentment. That’s something she needs to work through.

They are her feelings to manage, yes

[Anonymous]

So she showed up at 4pm and you expected her to show at 6pm, only have dinner with your daughter and leave? So 6 hours of driving for 1 or 2 hour meal? That seems really unreasonable. Was this your idea?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyones behavior here makes sense. Just from a common sense point of view driving 6 hrs to take someone out to dinner sounds completely ridiculous and exhausting.

Does MIL do this often? Is she does it sounds like she is overextending herself and this might suggest poor boundaries, people pleasing, codependency etc…

Do you guys speak up and either offer her to stay the night or meet half way or something? Not saying you absolutely should but it seems a little silly to not at least bring it up and collaborate on logistics so one person is not driving 6 hours for a darn meal. Maybe this is you guys take turns driving, meet half way, spend the night etc…

Not saying anyone is right or wrong here but details point to there being a lot of personalities and less than ideal boundaries interplaying here.

Also as details come out in this thread it sounds like both of you have resentments and don’t have this awesome relationship after all. Maybe it is awesome when all is smooth but it sounds like there is difficulty in being honest with each other in pleasant ways when one of you is dissatisfied. Maybe there is people pleasing on both sides and now you both resent each other because you’ve gone “out of your way” to accommodate the other only to discover the other person is actually not that pleased. And now you are somehow upset about that because you went out of your way and maybe you get uncomfortable when ppl are upset with you?

Not sure but I sense the unworkability comes from all parties involved, not just MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she showed up at 4pm and you expected her to show at 6pm, only have dinner with your daughter and leave? So 6 hours of driving for 1 or 2 hour meal? That seems really unreasonable. Was this your idea?

This is the part that is REALLY crazy. How exhausting! Who would think someone who is probably at least in their sixities is capable of this much driving in a day? And, aren’t you and DH at all worried about cognitive decline if she didn’t knock on the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, before you go off the deep end, stop. People will say this when they're upset, without meaning it. My mother has said the most God-awful things to me. I will never forget them. I also know she adores me, so it's complicated, but it illustrates my point - that someone who likes you can also hurt you like this.

So take a deep breath. Consider yourself off the hook for future holidays and birthdays. This is a damaged person who lashed out because she's not emotionally intelligent, and who may possibly have other things going on as well, perhaps due to age or health. Go no contact for a while.

You are so so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she showed up at 4pm and you expected her to show at 6pm, only have dinner with your daughter and leave? So 6 hours of driving for 1 or 2 hour meal? That seems really unreasonable. Was this your idea?

This is the part that is REALLY crazy. How exhausting! Who would think someone who is probably at least in their sixities is capable of this much driving in a day? And, aren’t you and DH at all worried about cognitive decline if she didn’t knock on the door?

+1 I would never condone my friend or family member doing this. It is ultimately up to the driver what they decide to take on, but at the very least I would be direct about how I felt about it - that is isn’t a good idea, exhausting, and if I felt comfortable, offer they stay over etc…

Also, if I knew someone was driving 3 hrs to come for dinner to be honest I would not have my phone on silent. If by chance I did I would apologize for missing call.

Not saying MIL is right for the way she handled it but this would be my approach if I were in OP situation with someone coming 3 hrs for a meal. Again, I cannot express how ridiculous this sounds, especially for older person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

Totally agree. Also, you don’t own your MILs resentment. That’s something she needs to work through.

They are her feelings to manage, yes

+1

OP, you do not need to take on your MILs burdens - her feelings belong to her, not you. If she needs better coping mechanisms, that is on her.

My MIL has resented me since day one, SILs too, and they were nothing but judgy and nasty when I came into the family. The fact that I was different was a personal affront to them. No getting to know me, just far-fetched and far off assumptions. Their problem, not mine.

OP you need to realize that there were issues in the family before you even came into the picture. In MILs case, FIL did not respect her, and had zero regard for her feelings, just as a start. DH was given the worst possible idea of what a relationship looks like, from two very selfish, inward, cold people. I am not going to fix them, any more than you are going to fix your DH and his family.

Let them own their stuff - you stay out of it. If she is a good grandmother - try to enjoy it as much as you can, without her crossing boundaries. Boundaries are key. My MIL said some terrible stuff to me when my kids were born, because she was not treated special when she had all her kids, and she wanted me to feel it. This, and I suspect early dementia. I did not and will not let her anger and problems (again, which existed well before me!) seep into my life, because they have nothing to do with me. Repeat this to yourself, often.

[Anonymous]

OP, she is irrational. And you should not expect rational behavior from an irrational person ~ that's it. Don't think anymore about it except to proect yourself going forward. She should be greatly politely, like a neighbor. She is not a friend. It's actually good she put all her nonsense into the written word - makes her look more ridiculous.

If you trust her going forward ... if you are fooled by her going forward ... that will be your fault.

[Anonymous]

Op here- to everyone who is commenting on her driving the distance, she does this regularly at her request. I also think it’s crazy. She will regularly drive down for the day for a kid event, 3 hours each way, and will decline offers to spend the night. She’s been doing it for 10 years now. On this event, she was supposed to spend the night however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 13:06 and 14:20, but also find it odd that OP left phone on silent knowing she was expecting a visitor for a special occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 13:06 and 14:20, but also find it odd that OP left phone on silent knowing she was expecting a visitor for a special occasion.

Odd? It’s something that happened. People have lives and may forget to adjust their phone. Surely we’ve all been in countless meetings or events where someone forgot to put their phone on silent. The same happens in reverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 13:06 and 14:20, but also find it odd that OP left phone on silent knowing she was expecting a visitor for a special occasion.

Odd? It’s something that happened. People have lives and may forget to adjust their phone. Surely we’ve all been in countless meetings or events where someone forgot to put their phone on silent. The same happens in reverse.

Op here- my phone is often on silent if I’m putting my toddler to nap or something. I would have assumed she would knock or just come in if I had missed a call. I thought we were close enough for that, hence my post to this illustrious forum and my resultant heart ache!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

Wait, I though she was a great grandma? This wasn’t over a minor miscommunication, this was because you sent a really mean and hurtful text. What person would not feel defensive after that text? I think you are all behaving badly, tbh. Idiot husband for sharing his mom’s text with you to invite drama, idiot MIL for not knocking on the door, idiot OP for not figuring out how to talk to her daughter about a change in plans and for sending that text to her MIL. The only person I feel sorry for here is the poor kid!

This, all the adults handled the situation poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 13:06 and 14:20, but also find it odd that OP left phone on silent knowing she was expecting a visitor for a special occasion.

Odd? It’s something that happened. People have lives and may forget to adjust their phone. Surely we’ve all been in countless meetings or events where someone forgot to put their phone on silent. The same happens in reverse.

Op here- my phone is often on silent if I’m putting my toddler to nap or something. I would have assumed she would knock or just come in if I had missed a call. I thought we were close enough for that, hence my post to this illustrious forum and my resultant heart ache!

After driving 3 hours to spend time with my precious granddaughter, you can bet I would have knocked or rang your doorbell multiple times. It is odd behavior unless she is angry at you for another reason and is trying to punish you for not giving her attention.