Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

[Anonymous]

She’s acting out because she’s upset at your upcoming move. It’s easier to lash out at you than her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

You’re being dramatic here. Why would you text your MIL? You could have simply told your daughter that grandma had a sudden change of plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

You’re being dramatic here. Why would you text your MIL? You could have simply told your daughter that grandma had a sudden change of plans.

Yeah I was thinking OP might be a sympathetic figure until I read that. Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

You’re being dramatic here. Why would you text your MIL? You could have simply told your daughter that grandma had a sudden change of plans.

Yeah I was thinking OP might be a sympathetic figure until I read that. Grow up, OP.

Np. Sometimes you have to let people know that their actions have consequences. The MIL needed to be told that her tantrum hurt her granddaughter so that next time maybe she'll reconsider her behavior. I've always been one to let things go, but I'm tired of it. You do something hurtful, you deal with the fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want more info! The minor miscommunication yesterday. Was it your fault? Were you late? What was it.

When she says you are "ungrateful and dissatisfied" does that mean you are not grateful/satisfied enough for her? Or her son? Just generally?

The thing here really is your reaction, you are "gutted." I am so sorry. I do think this means something about your own mother and your feelings about mother-daughter relationships, and maybe somehow your MIL relationship has not been conducted on the same ground. You have a misunderstanding, or the boundaries aren't right.

But a lot of this hinges on yesterday's incident, so please share!

Thank you for this. Yes, I have problems with enmeshment with my family of origin and probably have similar with MIl. She is in conflict with her daughter often though and says very mean things about her, so I should not expect better treatment. My DH is the golden boy though and is never wrong or criticized.

She thinks I am ungrateful/unsatisfied apparently because I had 3 babies in 6 years, and moved twice, and am now moving out of state. It’s kind of unclear. She also says that (in a more recent text) I am trying to play the victim and she will not allow it. This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened.

You’re being dramatic here. Why would you text your MIL? You could have simply told your daughter that grandma had a sudden change of plans.

Yeah I was thinking OP might be a sympathetic figure until I read that. Grow up, OP.

Np. Sometimes you have to let people know that their actions have consequences. The MIL needed to be told that her tantrum hurt her granddaughter so that next time maybe she'll reconsider her behavior. I've always been one to let things go, but I'm tired of it. You do something hurtful, you deal with the fallout.

Yeah, but if you keep making mountains out of molehills then you should expect pushback.

[Anonymous]

She's angry you all are moving and has decided to lash out at you instead of her son.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you steal your husband's sweetness before your wedding night?

[Anonymous]

Wait, so Grandma won’t knock at the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

When someone hurts/betrays you like this, they’ve shown you who they really are. Now you know you can’t can’t on your MIL for important things, so stop counting on her. Throwing it in her face is dramatic, and based on what you say it doesn’t sound like she’s mature enough for an actual conversation (it would blow things up even more). Stop involving MIL in your life, give up your surrogate mother fantasy, and move on. All plans with mil should be made by DH now. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I don’t have the exact text but she said I am always wanting the next thing, the next baby, the next house. We had three babies, each in two years, and moved twice during that time for bigger housing which is what she is referring to. We have decided to move out of state much farther from her this summer and she apparently blames me for that even though my husband was the primary driver of this.

The initial issue really was minor. She was supposed to arrive at dinner but I thought it was earlier. No big deal on my end, either was fine. We were available at both times and the kid was happy to go with her. Also, I missed her phone call when she called to tell me she was there to get the kid, so rather than knocking she got angry, left me a mean voicemail, and drove the three hours home while apparently sobbing (she would not accept my calls but accepted my husbands call)

Who cares? Ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Moving certainly sounds like a good idea.