Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

This is a husband problem. I can’t believe he showed the text to you and didn’t correct his mother about the move, not knocking on the door and driving away in a tantrum. That’s ridiculous. He needs to step up and set his mother straight.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL's behavior was immature and inappropriate, but you did not take the high road. Guilt trips are manipulations and power plays. You and your husband need to figure out the boundaries with her from now on.

I notice with age my own mother has gotten more obsessive, self-centered and dramatic. Because of her tantrums, we have pulled back and keep things distant and cordial. Our kids (tween and teen) know the situation. I think you do have to protect kids from her antics with boundaries and it's OK to tell your daughter that grandma is having a hard time managing big feelings and sometimes does hurtful things. You will protect her by making sure grandma is kind or seeing her less. It is not healthy for kids to see grandma acting like an entitled nut who disrespects their parents. You model healthy boundaries for your kids by stepping back until you find the comfort zone where grandma can be consistently kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Can't you see what she's doing? Didn't you take Psych 101?

She is upset that you are moving away so she's picking a big fight to emotionally distance from you so it hurts less when you leave. No big deal.

I agree generally, but this is not cool "This is because I texted her that my daughter has been crying all day because she missed her date with her grandma yesterday when grandma pitched a fit. This is 100% true, my daughter was very disappointed and I had no words to explain what happened." This is immature. You say Grandma had a conflict and you'll see her soon and move on. "Crying all day" and guilt tripping Grandma is an emotional power play and ridiculous.

Op here- I agree that this is not something that is 100 percent kosher, but I have also swallowed a lot of crap with her acting badly and effecting my kids over the years and I am done with it. Actions have consequences. We were literally waiting for her to walk through the door, this was my daughters bday celebration with her. It was a deep hurt that grandma inflicted in that situation. This cannot be over stated. She needed to know this.


Wondering also, is my DH not standing up enough to her? Why am I being targeted and he’s getting off easy. She’s literally saying it’s my fault that we’re leaving which is untrue. He is tired of her bad behavior over the years too and not so close to her.

Wait, I though she was a great grandma? This wasn’t over a minor miscommunication, this was because you sent a really mean and hurtful text. What person would not feel defensive after that text? I think you are all behaving badly, tbh. Idiot husband for sharing his mom’s text with you to invite drama, idiot MIL for not knocking on the door, idiot OP for not figuring out how to talk to her daughter about a change in plans and for sending that text to her MIL. The only person I feel sorry for here is the poor kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did your DH hope to achieve by showing you the text? He is an idiot.

Totally agree. Also, you don’t own your MILs resentment. That’s something she needs to work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I don’t have the exact text but she said I am always wanting the next thing, the next baby, the next house. We had three babies, each in two years, and moved twice during that time for bigger housing which is what she is referring to. We have decided to move out of state much farther from her this summer and she apparently blames me for that even though my husband was the primary driver of this.

The initial issue really was minor. She was supposed to arrive at dinner but I thought it was earlier. No big deal on my end, either was fine. We were available at both times and the kid was happy to go with her. Also, I missed her phone call when she called to tell me she was there to get the kid, so rather than knocking she got angry, left me a mean voicemail, and drove the three hours home while apparently sobbing (she would not accept my calls but accepted my husbands call)

She drove 6 hours round trip to take your kid out to dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's angry you all are moving and has decided to lash out at you instead of her son.

I think it’s this.

[Anonymous]

She drove 3 hours to be your sitter? Yikes!

[Anonymous]

She drove three hours, pulled into the driveway, and when you didn’t answer your cell phone, she did not knock on the door or call your house phone…she just turned around and drove three hours home?

Is this real life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She drove three hours, pulled into the driveway, and when you didn’t answer your cell phone, she did not knock on the door or call your house phone…she just turned around and drove three hours home?

Is this real life?

OP—you need to clarify if this actually happened—she drove three hours and knocked and then drove three hours back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove three hours, pulled into the driveway, and when you didn’t answer your cell phone, she did not knock on the door or call your house phone…she just turned around and drove three hours home?

Is this real life?

OP—you need to clarify if this actually happened—she drove three hours and knocked and then drove three hours back home.

Yes I can confirm this actually happened. She wasn’t babysitting per se, it was a prearranged date for her to take my daughter out for her birthday. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She drove three hours, pulled into the driveway, and when you didn’t answer your cell phone, she did not knock on the door or call your house phone…she just turned around and drove three hours home?

Is this real life?

OP—you need to clarify if this actually happened—she drove three hours and knocked and then drove three hours back home.

Yes I can confirm this actually happened. She wasn’t babysitting per se, it was a prearranged date for her to take my daughter out for her birthday. - OP

So she wasn’t scheduled to spend the night? She was planning all along to drive 6 hours roundtrip? Wow.

[Anonymous]

The details keep getting juicier…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's angry you all are moving and has decided to lash out at you instead of her son.

I think it’s this.

I do too....oh these psychologically unsophisticated mother in laws....they're a lot. I think deep down feels envious or excluded or rejected, etc. These are her feelings, op, that have been simmering as she said. She has judged you for awhile but you did not know, I am sorry you are going through it. I eventually realized something similar about my mil. It took years to work through and accept which sounds crazy but it really hurt. Be cordial, accept her as a grandmother and just distance from her personally and from her personality which is probably a difficult one, but I can't say for sure. . I think your husband should talk to her, she attacked you and projected her idea of your motives and she was wrong. She could be told that by him. Take care of yourself, focus on kind people in your life and don't give her too much power. You know who you are. She showed you who she can be which is reactive and intense. It's his mother, have him take lead with her. See her role more as a grandmother and mother to your spouse. That's what brought me peace, but my mother in law was more chronically judgmental and mean-spirited (indirectly)but over time maybe yours will apologize, but I would erect space to protect myself. You're not alone, just take the high road. (Distant high road!)

[Anonymous]

She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a husband problem. I can’t believe he showed the text to you and didn’t correct his mother about the move, not knocking on the door and driving away in a tantrum. That’s ridiculous. He needs to step up and set his mother straight.

+1