Found out today that my MIL deeply resents me

[Anonymous]

So instead of knocking on the door, she drove home THREE HOURS?!!

That is some next level martyr behavior.

I'd pull way back on communicating. Your DH can arrange things with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

BINGO!

I definitely think she's upset about the move, however...

She mentioned long term resentment, and that is NOT about the move.
That's something she feels every. single. day.
Something that's nagging, gnawing & chipping away at her fondness for you, and I think this PP hit the nail on the proverbial head.

It sounds like you're a SAHM, OP?
And if you are I'm sure it's exactly what your family requires & what works for you guys, as you have 3 young children and you've already mentioned that your husband works/is away a great deal.

However, after that knock she made about you being entitled & always wanting the next best thing, I think her resentment REALLY lies with you... staying home all day where you can leisurely lay around, sleeping in until noon, spending all of your husband's money shopping for the new house, for new clothes for you, for whatever is next & trendy, getting mani-pedi's 32 times a week, eating bon-bons off of the pool boys abs (or whatever other nonsense she's conjured up in her mind).
All the while her poor, adorable, sweet, hardworking little baby boy; who's naive to the black magic spells of a temptresses like you, as he just toils away at work like he's working 18 hours a day in a sweat shop, day after day, killing himself with work, stress & bills because all he wants to do in life & all that makes him happy is wanting to please YOU... his controlling & demanding wife!
He obviously can't stand the thought of disappointing you and he cannot find the strength to ever tell you no to anything... so he buys you new house, after new house, and upcoming new house and then we obviously have to buy new furnishings and start shopping all over.. yay!

Now obviously I'm overly, OVERLY exaggerating OP -- but if you are a SAHM, I guarantee you that this is a part of her resentment towards you, especially since she knows how hard your husband works, and she thinks that you don't seem appreciative of anything that he provides, because all you can think of is what you want next.

If this is the case, your husband may be giving her that impression without even realizing he is.

Maybe he wanted sympathy from her one day, sho he told her how exhausted he is, how hard he works, how he feels unappreciated?
That may not be true at all, but if his relationship with her is as difficult as you've said... he very well may have done that in hopes of making his relationship with his mom easier?

Only you know the truth, OP... but I'd start by asking your husband if she's ever made little comments here and there about you being home and not working?
Only then will you know the truth.

Good luck with your upcoming move, OP!

Lol this post was great!

Agreed, the bolded is spot on!

OP, you've either moved or are preparing to move your 3 young children a total of 3 times in 6 years... and you wonder *why* your MIL has the impression that you're always on the hunt for the next new thing?? LOL!

This definitely revolves around her perception of your character, as well as how she perceives that you spend your days (all while her precious son works himself to death in order to keep you happy, of course!). 😑

In MIL's eyes, you probably seem quite unappreciative, bored, unhappy, unsatisfied, etc unless you're on the prowl for the next best thing.

She's all too aware of the long, back-breaking hours her son works, simply to provide you with house, after house, after house and you never seem content.

Oh, and while we're on the subject...

I imagine I don't have to tell you that purchasing and selling your family home 3 separate times within a 6 year time period (with 3 small children in tow) is utterly bananas... b-a-n-a-n-a-s!
No really, it's cuckoo for cocoa puffs to say the least.

I think most folks will agree that moving is one of life's most tedious demands, as it requires not only such strenuous physical exertion, but the mental exertion expended may be even more taxing & draining on you. Moving extracts such an enormous amount of physical & mental bandwidth from us, that most sane people don't want to even contemplate moving for a long, long time after they've recently moved. Most folks want to plant roots, intoduce & enmesh themselves in their new community, and most of all... make their new house into a home.

Thus, thinking about the nightmare of moving again in less than 5-10 years after I've moved (let alone 2 years) would give me such anxiety.

I do think it's *highly* unusual to go through the sell/purchase process every 2 years in 6 years, which is exactly where she's arrived at this perception of you that you're never satisfied and always on the hunt for the next best thing.

It's really not rocket science. 🚀

Op here- there have been a lot of good posts since I’ve checked this thread last, and I will reply to them soon but I only have a few minutes so will address the moves as they are, admittedly, bananas and very stressful.

So, I never wanted to live in the geographical region that we do now. My husband convinced me to do it 12 years ago for his career as it was closer to his mom that where we were previously (OMGGGGG) and he really wanted a job that was only available here. He promised me we could move after 4 years to a different part of the country. 12 years and a pandemic later, and he has finally FINALLY agreed to find work somewhere else as he is burned out at his job and wants a change as well. When we moved to our current home two years ago, we certainly had zero plans to ever move again but then there was a pandemic and things changed a great deal.

Also, I work part time in a helping field but my DH is certainly the breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

So, you are in fact the driving force behind the move? But, he wants a change as well?
You know op, your posts paint you as a drama queen, and sounds like, plus you had no intentions of moving two years ago, but now you are making him live up to his long ago promise?
You sound petulant and childish.

[Anonymous]

OP, with this most recent update and “OMGGGG” it sounds like you are in fact resentful of having to live so close to your MIL these last 12 years and you are in fact trying to move further away and have been for some time.

Yet you painted the scenario as if this wasn’t the case at all and MIL was full of drama and impossible to please by accusing you of this. Except that it’s true… which frankly is fine, so you don’t want to live so close to your MIL, so you want to move some place different. All fine, but why all the effort to make it seem like this isn’t the case and the huff and puff that your MIL would have this perception?

It feels like you are making this more twisted and emotionally complicated than it needs to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I don’t have the exact text but she said I am always wanting the next thing, the next baby, the next house. We had three babies, each in two years, and moved twice during that time for bigger housing which is what she is referring to. We have decided to move out of state much farther from her this summer and she apparently blames me for that even though my husband was the primary driver of this.

The initial issue really was minor. She was supposed to arrive at dinner but I thought it was earlier. No big deal on my end, either was fine. We were available at both times and the kid was happy to go with her. Also, I missed her phone call when she called to tell me she was there to get the kid, so rather than knocking she got angry, left me a mean voicemail, and drove the three hours home while apparently sobbing (she would not accept my calls but accepted my husbands call)

This is easy to address.
1- your DH needs to intervene on the "always on to the next thing" business. Make clear the move was b/c of him.
2- Set some boundaries with her and just decrease your interactions. If this is really what she thinks of you, then maybe you don't need to be as buddy/buddy as you thought you were. Be civil'ish and just proceed.
3- Continue to allow her to "shine" as the grandma, as another poster says. Let them have their relationship (unless she tries to poison that well, as by smack talking you to your kid, there is no reason to interfere).
4- allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had but don't. That's ok. But recognize her complaints, which are petty and ridiculous, reflect only on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are in fact the driving force behind the move? But, he wants a change as well?
You know op, your posts paint you as a drama queen, and sounds like, plus you had no intentions of moving two years ago, but now you are making him live up to his long ago promise?
You sound petulant and childish.

Why are you being so bit---y? So what if she is the "driving force" (By my reading she is not, but rather holding her DH to his promise AND he agrees).

MIL does not get off the hook. Even if OP was the driving force. Even if MIL doesn't like the move. Even if MIL disagrees with their choices of where to live or wherever. None of this is up to MIL. And she chose to run her mouth, talk badly about her DIL to her son, dredge up a list of grievances, and foul the nest. That.Is.On.Her. And only her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have a long term envy, and hold a story in her mind that you hold all the cards, her son works his ass off while you arbitrarily do whatever you want, etc. You're selfish,, etc.. if these things are untrue (and of course life is often more nuanced than her view) then see it as a projection coming from her that says a lot about her issues and how she thinks.She may idealize her son and devalue you yes. It's primitive thinking, it's unfair, it's hurtful. But it's coming from her, it doesn't mean it's true obviously. Give it time to simmer down, feel your hurt and then try to let it go. You can, it may just take time. Sorry for you.She leaked a bit if her sh#t, she is probably now embarrassed too. Give it some time and see what happens.

BINGO!

I definitely think she's upset about the move, however...

She mentioned long term resentment, and that is NOT about the move.
That's something she feels every. single. day.
Something that's nagging, gnawing & chipping away at her fondness for you, and I think this PP hit the nail on the proverbial head.

It sounds like you're a SAHM, OP?
And if you are I'm sure it's exactly what your family requires & what works for you guys, as you have 3 young children and you've already mentioned that your husband works/is away a great deal.

However, after that knock she made about you being entitled & always wanting the next best thing, I think her resentment REALLY lies with you... staying home all day where you can leisurely lay around, sleeping in until noon, spending all of your husband's money shopping for the new house, for new clothes for you, for whatever is next & trendy, getting mani-pedi's 32 times a week, eating bon-bons off of the pool boys abs (or whatever other nonsense she's conjured up in her mind).
All the while her poor, adorable, sweet, hardworking little baby boy; who's naive to the black magic spells of a temptresses like you, as he just toils away at work like he's working 18 hours a day in a sweat shop, day after day, killing himself with work, stress & bills because all he wants to do in life & all that makes him happy is wanting to please YOU... his controlling & demanding wife!
He obviously can't stand the thought of disappointing you and he cannot find the strength to ever tell you no to anything... so he buys you new house, after new house, and upcoming new house and then we obviously have to buy new furnishings and start shopping all over.. yay!

Now obviously I'm overly, OVERLY exaggerating OP -- but if you are a SAHM, I guarantee you that this is a part of her resentment towards you, especially since she knows how hard your husband works, and she thinks that you don't seem appreciative of anything that he provides, because all you can think of is what you want next.

If this is the case, your husband may be giving her that impression without even realizing he is.

Maybe he wanted sympathy from her one day, sho he told her how exhausted he is, how hard he works, how he feels unappreciated?
That may not be true at all, but if his relationship with her is as difficult as you've said... he very well may have done that in hopes of making his relationship with his mom easier?

Only you know the truth, OP... but I'd start by asking your husband if she's ever made little comments here and there about you being home and not working?
Only then will you know the truth.

Good luck with your upcoming move, OP!

Lol this post was great!

Agreed, the bolded is spot on!

OP, you've either moved or are preparing to move your 3 young children a total of 3 times in 6 years... and you wonder *why* your MIL has the impression that you're always on the hunt for the next new thing?? LOL!

This definitely revolves around her perception of your character, as well as how she perceives that you spend your days (all while her precious son works himself to death in order to keep you happy, of course!). 😑

In MIL's eyes, you probably seem quite unappreciative, bored, unhappy, unsatisfied, etc unless you're on the prowl for the next best thing.

She's all too aware of the long, back-breaking hours her son works, simply to provide you with house, after house, after house and you never seem content.

Oh, and while we're on the subject...

I imagine I don't have to tell you that purchasing and selling your family home 3 separate times within a 6 year time period (with 3 small children in tow) is utterly bananas... b-a-n-a-n-a-s!
No really, it's cuckoo for cocoa puffs to say the least.

I think most folks will agree that moving is one of life's most tedious demands, as it requires not only such strenuous physical exertion, but the mental exertion expended may be even more taxing & draining on you. Moving extracts such an enormous amount of physical & mental bandwidth from us, that most sane people don't want to even contemplate moving for a long, long time after they've recently moved. Most folks want to plant roots, intoduce & enmesh themselves in their new community, and most of all... make their new house into a home.

Thus, thinking about the nightmare of moving again in less than 5-10 years after I've moved (let alone 2 years) would give me such anxiety.

I do think it's *highly* unusual to go through the sell/purchase process every 2 years in 6 years, which is exactly where she's arrived at this perception of you that you're never satisfied and always on the hunt for the next best thing.

It's really not rocket science. 🚀

Op here- there have been a lot of good posts since I’ve checked this thread last, and I will reply to them soon but I only have a few minutes so will address the moves as they are, admittedly, bananas and very stressful.

So, I never wanted to live in the geographical region that we do now. My husband convinced me to do it 12 years ago for his career as it was closer to his mom that where we were previously (OMGGGGG) and he really wanted a job that was only available here. He promised me we could move after 4 years to a different part of the country. 12 years and a pandemic later, and he has finally FINALLY agreed to find work somewhere else as he is burned out at his job and wants a change as well. When we moved to our current home two years ago, we certainly had zero plans to ever move again but then there was a pandemic and things changed a great deal.

Also, I work part time in a helping field but my DH is certainly the breadwinner.

OP, I'm the author of this post that you quoted.
I just re-read my post, and I hope you understand that I wad giving you what things may look like from her perspective -- I wasn't saying that *I* perceived you that way, but your MIL may.

I noticed after reading it that I wasn't making my point clear, so I just wanted you to understand what I meant. 😊