Wedding invitation/Issue

[Anonymous]

I Lots of distinction to unpack. Do your parents actually like the groom?

[Anonymous]

Op, can you tell us where the reception is being held? All ages venue or is it at a bar or similar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify some points. My teen has SN and is cognitively delayed - we can't leave her alone at home or at a hotel. I am pissed at my parents. They said they aren't going because my sister is excluding my teen so regardless of whether I attend the reception alone - they are not going.

I am not judgmental at all and not resentful. I was very nice and she already knows about my teen and the situation. I thought that she knew we wouldn't be able to go and she sort of expected it by her invite.

And, to clarify, she did originally tell me that even though it was adults only, it was that way because it's an open bar but she talked to them...wait let me get the text and say exactly what she originally said:

"[Teen] is invited - the reception is "adult only" bc of open bar but I told them about [teen] so they are prepared."

Then afterwards, she wrote and said they are "orchestrating and planning" as an adult only party so [teen] can't go.

That's when I let her know that I will celebrate her marriage and we'll attend the ceremony but won't be able to make the reception.

Open bars have no bearing on inviting kids. Adults only weddings are something that every couple has the right to do, but I just think they are gross. My brother just got married in December and my 12 and under nieces and nephews had an absolute blast. Weddings are about getting family together to celebrate the married couple and kids are very much a part of that. If you have an adults only wedding then you have to expect that some people with kid will not attend.

Also why the hell would people tell OP to go without her husband? Maybe I am just weird, but every wedding my husband and I go to always brings about good memories of our own wedding and life we have built together.

Yes you are weird and codependent on your husband and children to be able to attend adult activities and have a good time. Other people's wedding enjoyment don't hinge on your children being there. Paying $30 for chicken fingers and watching them running around the venue screaming is not enjoyable. and P.S. children don't like weddings.

If you are one of those women who can't do anything without your husband and/or your children for your sibling, that tells me everything I need to know about you.

+1

NP here. Well said. Don't stir the pot, OP. It is your sister's day, and she has her reasons. You make your rules on your wedding day.

Oh, and for those of you who had a sh&tty wedding, you don't get to cause drama for other people. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

I agree with you. OP Not wanting to go celebrate her sister at the reception without her DH is super weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Even with the update you should still attend the reception. Part of adulting is learning to attend things even if you don’t know people there.

[Anonymous]

God I'm glad this ain't my life.

[Anonymous]

OP here to answer some questions.

Reception is at a country club that my sister belongs to. I do suspect my sister didn't want us going and just felt compelled to invite us. My sister doesn't like groom's kids and 2 of them have babies - She told my mom that's why she made it no kids (so the groom's kids wouldn't come). At that time, my mom asked about my teen and my sister said she's invited because she's a teen (not a toddler/baby) and told my mom she'd make sure the place would be fine with that. I suspect she just didn't want us there and why she changed her mind after telling me and my mom my teen is invited.

My sister tends to prefer her friendships over her family. I don't say this with malice or judgment - it's just the way she is. For example, for years I'd try to have a family Christmas or holiday dinner the weekend after the 1st because my sister would always go to her husband's family for the holidays. She would always prefer to go out with friends instead of visit with my parents and us. My parents are from out of town so they'd be flying in for holidays and will be flying in for my sister's wedding. I even tried for a couple years to move the dinner to a night she'd be available. She would cancel the night before or the day of saying another event came up.

My parents have no opinion of the groom. They pretty much leave that alone. they have only met him once. And that was after they were engaged and my sister wanted my parents to meet him.

I don't want to go without my DH because honestly, I know my teen would be incredibly hurt and upset if she found out she wasn't invited. When the invitation came, I tried to talk to her and explain it might be for grownups she cried and said her aunt loves her and she IS invited because her aunt talked to her about the wedding. What I want to do is let my daughter think that the ceremony is all there is for the wedding (we'll all probably do something the night before anyway, like a dinner or something) just so that my daughter isn't hurt. I'm sorry some of you think it's weird or unusual, but for this I'm putting my daughter's feelings ahead of my sister's feelings. I actually think my sister wants it this way - she didn't want her fiance's kids there and I don't think she wants us there.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are weird and codependent on your husband and children to be able to attend adult activities and have a good time. Other people's wedding enjoyment don't hinge on your children being there. Paying $30 for chicken fingers and watching them running around the venue screaming is not enjoyable. and P.S. children don't like weddings.

If you are one of those women who can't do anything without your husband and/or your children for your sibling, that tells me everything I need to know about you.

HA. OP here. No, I'm not codependent on my husband and I'm not even upset my kid isn't invited. And my kid isn't a toddler. She wouldn't be running around screaming. I've attended many trips and events solo. The issue is not leaving my kid alone while I celebrate her aunt's wedding. She would know and be deeply hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately I think this is less a wedding etiquette question and more a family with bad relationships all around, unfortunately.

Honestly this. The parent’s stance is awful. I get that op’s teen has special needs and leaving her alone may not be an option. If you can’t talk it through, that’s a bummer, but you go to the wedding solo then. Ideally the sister would make a different decision, but I don’t understand how everyone else makes bad decision after bad decision on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Op, totally understand why you can’t leave your dd alone in a hotel or at home but you should have included that info originally bc people’s responses may have been nicer. Yes, I think your sister should have invited your child but as a pp said, maybe it is an issue with the vendor. Tbh, I would go without dh (I’ve done it before when we didn’t have a reliable sitter and I have a SN kiddo). You don’t have to stay late but you can sit with your parents and meet some of your new BIL’s relatives. If you have to travel, your dh and daughter can have room service in the hotel to make it fun for her (my kids always loved that). Then maybe you can find a special activity she would like in the area where the wedding is so she doesn’t feel left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here to answer some questions.

Reception is at a country club that my sister belongs to. I do suspect my sister didn't want us going and just felt compelled to invite us. My sister doesn't like groom's kids and 2 of them have babies - She told my mom that's why she made it no kids (so the groom's kids wouldn't come). At that time, my mom asked about my teen and my sister said she's invited because she's a teen (not a toddler/baby) and told my mom she'd make sure the place would be fine with that. I suspect she just didn't want us there and why she changed her mind after telling me and my mom my teen is invited.

My sister tends to prefer her friendships over her family. I don't say this with malice or judgment - it's just the way she is. For example, for years I'd try to have a family Christmas or holiday dinner the weekend after the 1st because my sister would always go to her husband's family for the holidays. She would always prefer to go out with friends instead of visit with my parents and us. My parents are from out of town so they'd be flying in for holidays and will be flying in for my sister's wedding. I even tried for a couple years to move the dinner to a night she'd be available. She would cancel the night before or the day of saying another event came up.

My parents have no opinion of the groom. They pretty much leave that alone. they have only met him once. And that was after they were engaged and my sister wanted my parents to meet him.

I don't want to go without my DH because honestly, I know my teen would be incredibly hurt and upset if she found out she wasn't invited. When the invitation came, I tried to talk to her and explain it might be for grownups she cried and said her aunt loves her and she IS invited because her aunt talked to her about the wedding. What I want to do is let my daughter think that the ceremony is all there is for the wedding (we'll all probably do something the night before anyway, like a dinner or something) just so that my daughter isn't hurt. I'm sorry some of you think it's weird or unusual, but for this I'm putting my daughter's feelings ahead of my sister's feelings. I actually think my sister wants it this way - she didn't want her fiance's kids there and I don't think she wants us there.

I don't know if it's weird or unusual, but it's definitely counterproductive. You daughter is (at least) 13 - cognitive delays or not, she's old enough to understand that not all events are for everyone. Pretending otherwise isn;t helping her, at all. And she's going to find out that there is more to the wedding - you're going to lie to her abut that for how long?

This is a crappy plan, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

You are already there. If your teen needs babysitting, DH can stay with him. Come on Op it’s your sister. Go to the reception.

This or take a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here to answer some questions.

Reception is at a country club that my sister belongs to. I do suspect my sister didn't want us going and just felt compelled to invite us. My sister doesn't like groom's kids and 2 of them have babies - She told my mom that's why she made it no kids (so the groom's kids wouldn't come). At that time, my mom asked about my teen and my sister said she's invited because she's a teen (not a toddler/baby) and told my mom she'd make sure the place would be fine with that. I suspect she just didn't want us there and why she changed her mind after telling me and my mom my teen is invited.

My sister tends to prefer her friendships over her family. I don't say this with malice or judgment - it's just the way she is. For example, for years I'd try to have a family Christmas or holiday dinner the weekend after the 1st because my sister would always go to her husband's family for the holidays. She would always prefer to go out with friends instead of visit with my parents and us. My parents are from out of town so they'd be flying in for holidays and will be flying in for my sister's wedding. I even tried for a couple years to move the dinner to a night she'd be available. She would cancel the night before or the day of saying another event came up.

My parents have no opinion of the groom. They pretty much leave that alone. they have only met him once. And that was after they were engaged and my sister wanted my parents to meet him.

I don't want to go without my DH because honestly, I know my teen would be incredibly hurt and upset if she found out she wasn't invited. When the invitation came, I tried to talk to her and explain it might be for grownups she cried and said her aunt loves her and she IS invited because her aunt talked to her about the wedding. What I want to do is let my daughter think that the ceremony is all there is for the wedding (we'll all probably do something the night before anyway, like a dinner or something) just so that my daughter isn't hurt. I'm sorry some of you think it's weird or unusual, but for this I'm putting my daughter's feelings ahead of my sister's feelings. I actually think my sister wants it this way - she didn't want her fiance's kids there and I don't think she wants us there.

Lying to your teen is just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t leave my teen alone in a hotel. No way, no how. So yes, I would have done the same thing as you.

Strike this, I misread your husband as not traveling. If he is traveling with you, I would have him stay at the hotel with the teen and go solo to the reception.

But in no way would I leave the teen alone in another city in a hotel.

Are you kidding? I'd do this without a second thought. She (presumably) has a phone - order room service, bolt the door, and she'll be fine.

Not kidding at all. I’m not comfortable with the idea that other people can have a key to the room including master keys that override the deadbolt. Many hotels have policies about unattended minors on the premises as well. We all have our limits but that’s one of mine.