Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

My husband fully supported his parents and my brother's wife supports her parents. Neither of them are only child but their siblings didn't have similar love or care. Its not about culture, everyone is same culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

Oh wow, I guess I shouldn’t complain then! Is this just expected of sons towards their parents or do daughters also do it?

Daughters who work and earn do it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

Its very common for SA children to provide for their parents in old age as parents too make every sacrifice they can fir their children. For example, my SA boss's children never earned a penny until they started their professional jobs after grad schools. All of their expenses including full pay at expensive colleges, rents, travel, dinning out etc were covered by parents. It would be very selfish if their children aren't reimbursing them in some ways once they are retired.

Reimburse. Well, there you have it.

Some parents have children as a safety net in old age. This is especially true in societies where social security and other retirement services are lacking. The kids are well versed from a young age in the language of guilt and manipulation: Look at all the sacrifices we made for you!

Parenting is HARD, there's no question. All decent parents give up things dear to themselves to raise the kids, both physical and intangible. But the mentality that "Oh I made all the sacrifices for you, therefore you must pay me back" is repugnant in today's society. It perverts and corrupts the idea of parenthood, making it a transactional relationship.

It can be but usually care is out of love not out of obligation. It also saves all from borrowing from outside and paying interest, its like unofficial loans which you can pay back if you can and want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

Oh wow, I guess I shouldn’t complain then! Is this just expected of sons towards their parents or do daughters also do it?

Daughters who work and earn do it too.

Absolutely. My aunts are physicians and they provided my grandparents a really lux lifestyle in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Its a serious struggle when we want to give anything to my SA in-laws, they are just so stubborn but my husband has his sneaky ways to do some things without them knowing it. It makes him feel so happy.

He upgrades their flights and says upgrades were free. He books hotels saying he got free nights through work. He pays their cleaning lady extra and they think she is an angel doing whole house for only $50. My hubby instructed her never to mention real cost of her services to them or they'll immediately fire her and start doing it themselves.

I think its really sweet and makes me proud of the man i picked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say pretty customary. Not in every situation but as the previous poster said it’s not UNcommon.

In your case, since the mom was a SAHM they probably don’t have a ton of savings.

And yes, we are one of those that have bought a condo for my in-laws. We cover dinners out. They will generally pay their own way on big trips though, but if it’s a a domestic house rental type vacation then we’ll pay.

So did your parents also get a condo as well? Or just your in-laws?

My in laws are older and one of them has mobility issues that made stairs a danger for them. My parents are younger and live in a neighborhood with some of their closest friends. They have no desire to move right now. When they are older or if health issues crop up, then we are 100% prepared to care for them. Whether that means moving them into a condo closer to us or moving them in with us.

My parents generally join us in the house rental type vacations too. But we usually fight over who gets to pay the dinner bill. They’re not into overseas vacations with us, they have friends they usually do that with.

None of this is transactional or an obligation, nor are they viewed as just an added expense that would be better used elsewhere- that’s viewing the culture through a western lens. Family is important, it’s love.

[Anonymous]

In our South Asian family it is normal for people who are well off, to give a leg up to others - parents, ILs, siblings, nieces and nephews, SIL/DIL, uncles, aunts, cousins. The idea is that we all get the support to become successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

No, I think their financial situation is fine. They recently sold their home and downsized, my fil still collects a pension and had full medical coverage. Really, they have lived very modestly their whole lives. They just covered my husband’s college expenses, not anything else.

Your husband knows they always lived modestly to provide for children and to save for retirement. He wants them to have some luxury and fun in life. He knows they are frugal and wouldn't risk their rainy day fund to become his dependent.

[Anonymous]

He works hard and earns well. It makes him happy to spend on his parents. That's a luxury for some people while others enjoy luxury of buying fancy cars, designer bags, expensive jewelry, lavish homes etc. To each its own. After basic expenses, its all about personal prefrences.

[Anonymous]

My parents were not obliged to pay for anything but basics for me and my siblings but they did. I'm not obliged to pay for anything other than if they needs help with basic needs but I've to be a really rotten person to not want to just because I don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your frustration but would you rather be married to a low earner or someone who spends on women, booze, drugs, gambling etc or pays alimony/childcare to other spouses?

You picked a successful person who has one flaw, he wants his parents to live comfortably in their old age.

Just look up relationship forum, its a blessing to find and keep a mature, caring, highly educated, family oriented, high earning professional partner like yours. Be thankful.

This^. You don't know hoe blessed you are. Have a bigger heart. Its not like your in-laws didn't spent on their children or didn't save for their retirement, its just your husband wants to do something for them and he isn't alone, well off brother pitches in as well. To he honest, he sounds like a generous person who married a miser.

[Anonymous]

Yup. They sound live a fantastic family. Nobody is trying to take advantage of each other or is dependent on each other.

[Anonymous]

Many men of every culture feel incompetent and impotent if they cant take care of their parents, wives or children. With women's employment rate and wages going up, you'll see the same trait among women as well.

[Anonymous]

Women traditionally did more practical caregiving so its not like they didn't do anything for parents, husbands or children. Their contribution was taken for-granted as its not tangible.

[Anonymous]

My father was a loving father/husband/son and a good provider but my mother was the one who physically took care of everything so they saw each other as true equals. If she left or died, everyone and everything would've fallen apart. They took care of my maternal grandparents as well so it wasn't about gender or income or blood relation but family and love. Our grandparents also pitched in with all the financial and physical resources. Every family is different.