Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.

Go with your gut on this one.

I’d hire a PI or have an unknown to home friend tail him for photos and read of body language. Don’t ask or this will all go underground straight to the apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.

Minus any other evidence, such as behavioral changes, yes you are being paranoid. Don't hassle him or you'll alienate him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a sensible person. If you feel like something isn't right, it probably isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

A married man doesn't have to be a Mike Pence-type weirdo to know that it's probably more appropriate to have a tutor who isn't a woman young enough to be his daughter. Your husband could just be totally clueless in addition to innocent, but men who have integrity and a reasonable amount of insight would make the choice that avoids any hint of impropriety. There are many ways to learn a language that aren't unregulated private in-person sessions, and there clearly are men he could hire if that's the type of learning he really wants.

I'm not saying that he's doing anything inappropriate but unless he's one of those bumbling idiot types of men, he has to know how this might look to others, and particularly to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.

Minus any other evidence, such as behavioral changes, yes you are being paranoid. Don't hassle him or you'll alienate him.

The last sentence is ridiculous. I never nagged or hassled and, hence, he cheated. They figure they can get away with it and it’s no big deal.

If in your gut you feel something is wrong, it probably is. Trust your gut. I ignored mine like this pp suggests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

Ok this is weird. If he truly wanted it to be a finance thing, he could save money by doing online classes with experienced teachers/native speakers living abroad (they often charge less than younger Americans). There were even free language exchanges online prior to the pandemic. Something stinks, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

A married man doesn't have to be a Mike Pence-type weirdo to know that it's probably more appropriate to have a tutor who isn't a woman young enough to be his daughter. Your husband could just be totally clueless in addition to innocent, but men who have integrity and a reasonable amount of insight would make the choice that avoids any hint of impropriety. There are many ways to learn a language that aren't unregulated private in-person sessions, and there clearly are men he could hire if that's the type of learning he really wants.

I'm not saying that he's doing anything inappropriate but unless he's one of those bumbling idiot types of men, he has to know how this might look to others, and particularly to you.

OP here. Maybe, but most of the au pairs we had years ago were pretty attractive, and they lived with us, so were around constantly. True, the age difference was not as great then, but it is not unusual for him to be around a younger woman in my presence (I think his hair stylist is a youngish woman too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.

Two ways to look at this:

1. Why would an attractive woman in her 20s want to be with an older 50 year old man? If she's attractive she's bringing in men her age.

2. Is your husband suppose to stop taking lessons when you're out of town?

Re: #1, she doesn’t, she’s there for work. He probably wants to get more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

A married man doesn't have to be a Mike Pence-type weirdo to know that it's probably more appropriate to have a tutor who isn't a woman young enough to be his daughter. Your husband could just be totally clueless in addition to innocent, but men who have integrity and a reasonable amount of insight would make the choice that avoids any hint of impropriety. There are many ways to learn a language that aren't unregulated private in-person sessions, and there clearly are men he could hire if that's the type of learning he really wants.

I'm not saying that he's doing anything inappropriate but unless he's one of those bumbling idiot types of men, he has to know how this might look to others, and particularly to you.

OP here. Maybe, but most of the au pairs we had years ago were pretty attractive, and they lived with us, so were around constantly. True, the age difference was not as great then, but it is not unusual for him to be around a younger woman in my presence (I think his hair stylist is a youngish woman too).

I don't think either of those situations is comparable.
An au pair is a totally unique thing, and there probably aren't any men to choose from. A hair stylist is someone he sees in public, and she answers to an employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

Ok this is weird. If he truly wanted it to be a finance thing, he could save money by doing online classes with experienced teachers/native speakers living abroad (they often charge less than younger Americans). There were even free language exchanges online prior to the pandemic. Something stinks, OP.

He says he gets more out of in-person learning. He's done some stuff online before and he doesn't learn as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

A married man doesn't have to be a Mike Pence-type weirdo to know that it's probably more appropriate to have a tutor who isn't a woman young enough to be his daughter. Your husband could just be totally clueless in addition to innocent, but men who have integrity and a reasonable amount of insight would make the choice that avoids any hint of impropriety. There are many ways to learn a language that aren't unregulated private in-person sessions, and there clearly are men he could hire if that's the type of learning he really wants.

I'm not saying that he's doing anything inappropriate but unless he's one of those bumbling idiot types of men, he has to know how this might look to others, and particularly to you.

OP here. Maybe, but most of the au pairs we had years ago were pretty attractive, and they lived with us, so were around constantly. True, the age difference was not as great then, but it is not unusual for him to be around a younger woman in my presence (I think his hair stylist is a youngish woman too).

I don't think either of those situations is comparable.
An au pair is a totally unique thing, and there probably aren't any men to choose from. A hair stylist is someone he sees in public, and she answers to an employer.

True. Hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.

Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.

OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.

A married man doesn't have to be a Mike Pence-type weirdo to know that it's probably more appropriate to have a tutor who isn't a woman young enough to be his daughter. Your husband could just be totally clueless in addition to innocent, but men who have integrity and a reasonable amount of insight would make the choice that avoids any hint of impropriety. There are many ways to learn a language that aren't unregulated private in-person sessions, and there clearly are men he could hire if that's the type of learning he really wants.

I'm not saying that he's doing anything inappropriate but unless he's one of those bumbling idiot types of men, he has to know how this might look to others, and particularly to you.

OP here. Maybe, but most of the au pairs we had years ago were pretty attractive, and they lived with us, so were around constantly. True, the age difference was not as great then, but it is not unusual for him to be around a younger woman in my presence (I think his hair stylist is a youngish woman too).

OP enjoying your posts about all the ways in which older men can encounter younger women - nanny, tutor, hairstylist, language immersion in Thailand (lol) oh my! Some people have noted that your DH might be gaslighting you by dismissing paranoia you claim to feel about him supposedly interacting with this supposed tutor, with your supposed hot nanny and with other women. But is it possible you are gaslighting us with your DCUM fan fiction to try to cultivate a sense of “paranoia” in your dear readers?

[Anonymous]

You can fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them. Factor in also attractive and you are playing with fire.

Yes I would be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them. Factor in also attractive and you are playing with fire.

Yes I would be concerned.

You obviously haven’t spent a lot of time with my colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them. Factor in also attractive and you are playing with fire.

Yes I would be concerned.

You obviously haven’t spent a lot of time with my colleagues.

Are they 25, hot, and alone with you for an extended time?