Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just say you were looking for something on his desk and saw the withdrawal slip and ask whether that was for the tutor. If he says yes, then say that seems like a lot, what are we paying her by the hour?

+1. This will put your mind at rest.

OK, I wanted closure so I just went and talked to him. I mentioned the ATM receipt and asked whether this was for the tutor and then said that it seemed like a lot -- and then asked what are we paying her per hour. He said we pay her $100/hr. I asked why did you take out $300 and after making a joke about how he was wining and dining his mistress, he said he wanted $50 just to have some cash and gave her a belated Xmas present of another $150. He says she's a struggling grad student who is just getting by and books are expensive. Now I really feel like a jerk. He obviously knows I am jealous.

OP, your mom called. She said it’s getting late and time to go to bed because you have middle school in the morning, plus a braces appointment in the afternoon then dinner at grandma’s house.

Is he threatening to join a bookclub?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just say you were looking for something on his desk and saw the withdrawal slip and ask whether that was for the tutor. If he says yes, then say that seems like a lot, what are we paying her by the hour?

+1. This will put your mind at rest.

OK, I wanted closure so I just went and talked to him. I mentioned the ATM receipt and asked whether this was for the tutor and then said that it seemed like a lot -- and then asked what are we paying her per hour. He said we pay her $100/hr. I asked why did you take out $300 and after making a joke about how he was wining and dining his mistress, he said he wanted $50 just to have some cash and gave her a belated Xmas present of another $150. He says she's a struggling grad student who is just getting by and books are expensive. Now I really feel like a jerk. He obviously knows I am jealous.

OP, your mom called. She said it’s getting late and time to go to bed because you have middle school in the morning, plus a braces appointment in the afternoon then dinner at grandma’s house.

Is he threatening to join a bookclub?

OP, just so you know that we know: There is no book club!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my current state of mind I just can’t deal with the negativity here, so I’ll look for advice elsewhere. Thanks to all the kind people who gave me good advice before.

Bless your heart OP

Thanks to all those who believed me and gave me encouragement and good advice in this difficult time. -- OP

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I'm glad you're getting some good advice here. My sense is telling me there is something going on with this tutor. Like others have said, your gut instinct is very powerful. I suggest you tell your DH you're going on a trip for a day or two when he plans to have this tutor but then come home right when he's having his lesson and let him know that the trip got canceled or something. You'll be able to tell right away if something was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He pays her in cash?!? Sorry, OP, this is not looking good.

Don’t be so dramatic. Many people get paid in cash. It is a way to avoid paying taxes on side gigs.

Right. DW keeps withdrawing cash to pay DD's piano teacher for weekly instruction.

Guys.....do you think DW is sleeping with the piano teacher?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He pays her in cash?!? Sorry, OP, this is not looking good.

Don’t be so dramatic. Many people get paid in cash. It is a way to avoid paying taxes on side gigs.

OP again. I agree, this is the reason for cash. He also usually pays his personal trainer and yoga instructor in cash for same reason — and they prefer it.

Wait, he takes a yoga class? That's a red flag if there ever was one.

Yup. No need to worry that he's sleeping with this tutor...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He pays her in cash?!? Sorry, OP, this is not looking good.

Don’t be so dramatic. Many people get paid in cash. It is a way to avoid paying taxes on side gigs.

Right. DW keeps withdrawing cash to pay DD's piano teacher for weekly instruction.

Guys.....do you think DW is sleeping with the piano teacher?!?!

DP. Does the imaginary piano teacher charge $100 an hour/$50 a half-hour? Nope. That would be some very high-level piano instruction. Unless the imaginary DD is a piano prodigy and the teacher is a conservatory professor, no imaginary DW is paying $100 an hour.

The real OP's real DH is paying $100 an hour for tutoring. Unless he's getting very high level instruction and the tutor has some serious language instruction qualifications beyond the norm, that is way too much to pay per hour for tutoring he's getting just out of personal interest in the language. Or possibly the tutor is overcharging and the DH is a sucker who doesn't realize it. But OP said, didn't she?, that he's had other language instruction over the years, so he should know this rate is very high.

That's why OP is right to be concerned. Even if he's not sleeping with the tutor -- and I'm not convinced he is -- he sounds like he's either naive about what to pay or is buying a sob story about her being a poor grad student so he's paying too much out of pity. It can happen. But it's unwise at best, and a red flag for cheating at worst.

As for the $150 Christmas gift bonus, that was actually less of a red flag to me. When our DD had piano lessons, we usually gave the teacher another $100 or so at Christmas as a bonus. The teacher came to our house each week from a bit of a distance and she was great with our DD, so a good Christmas check was fine by us; we knew and liked her, too. But a big Christmas gift when the DH is paying too much for the per-hour tutoriing? Again, either naive of him, or fishy.

OP, I think you're tiptoeing around too much. You need to say point blank that you have checked and found that $100 an hour is exorbitant and you honestly feel strange and, yes, suspicious. Others here will yell not to do this as he will only hide more if you confront, but do you really want to be messing around with "accidentally" finding receipts or dropping hints? Use your words. If he's balky, tell him you take that as your answer that you have a reason to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He pays her in cash?!? Sorry, OP, this is not looking good.

Don’t be so dramatic. Many people get paid in cash. It is a way to avoid paying taxes on side gigs.

Right. DW keeps withdrawing cash to pay DD's piano teacher for weekly instruction.

Guys.....do you think DW is sleeping with the piano teacher?!?!

DP. Does the imaginary piano teacher charge $100 an hour/$50 a half-hour? Nope. That would be some very high-level piano instruction. Unless the imaginary DD is a piano prodigy and the teacher is a conservatory professor, no imaginary DW is paying $100 an hour.

The real OP's real DH is paying $100 an hour for tutoring. Unless he's getting very high level instruction and the tutor has some serious language instruction qualifications beyond the norm, that is way too much to pay per hour for tutoring he's getting just out of personal interest in the language. Or possibly the tutor is overcharging and the DH is a sucker who doesn't realize it. But OP said, didn't she?, that he's had other language instruction over the years, so he should know this rate is very high.

That's why OP is right to be concerned. Even if he's not sleeping with the tutor -- and I'm not convinced he is -- he sounds like he's either naive about what to pay or is buying a sob story about her being a poor grad student so he's paying too much out of pity. It can happen. But it's unwise at best, and a red flag for cheating at worst.

As for the $150 Christmas gift bonus, that was actually less of a red flag to me. When our DD had piano lessons, we usually gave the teacher another $100 or so at Christmas as a bonus. The teacher came to our house each week from a bit of a distance and she was great with our DD, so a good Christmas check was fine by us; we knew and liked her, too. But a big Christmas gift when the DH is paying too much for the per-hour tutoriing? Again, either naive of him, or fishy.

OP, I think you're tiptoeing around too much. You need to say point blank that you have checked and found that $100 an hour is exorbitant and you honestly feel strange and, yes, suspicious. Others here will yell not to do this as he will only hide more if you confront, but do you really want to be messing around with "accidentally" finding receipts or dropping hints? Use your words. If he's balky, tell him you take that as your answer that you have a reason to be concerned.

Looks like OP caught a live one.

PP, this post is satire aka not real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked in academia for 25 years, and yes, hot young grad students do sleep with older men, God bless them!

And God bless universities for firing creepy old academics who sleep with their grad students … looking at you Dartmouth …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He pays her in cash?!? Sorry, OP, this is not looking good.

Don’t be so dramatic. Many people get paid in cash. It is a way to avoid paying taxes on side gigs.

Right. DW keeps withdrawing cash to pay DD's piano teacher for weekly instruction.

Guys.....do you think DW is sleeping with the piano teacher?!?!

Definitely - ask her to pay by check! Btw piano place in rockville has Steinway liquidation sale now … tell your wife you need cash to pay for new Steinway! 😅

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked in academia for 25 years, and yes, hot young grad students do sleep with older men, God bless them!

And God bless universities for firing creepy old academics who sleep with their grad students … looking at you Dartmouth …

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, I saw your update in the other thread.

How are.you doing?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe he's 50ish and starting parenthood all over again. Nothing sounds worse. I'd say karma will serve him right on this one. Hugs OP. Im so so sorry! You're better than that!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you didn't get the right support from so many people on this forum. I remember this thread, but I don't remember posting or not. If I did, I would say what I always say: trust your gut.

My DH was always the most loyal person. I trusted him absolutely, and he had (and has!) several close female friends. But several years into our marriage, I got a bad feeling about one co-worker. Let's just say that I was right to feel that way, but it took me months to realize that I needed to trust my gut.

How are you doing? I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Came here about the update. OP please come tell us what happened?! How did you find out - has it been going on all year without you knowing?