Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.

[Anonymous]

Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

[Anonymous]

Probably are being paranoid. You spend too much time on these boards, which are obsessed with cheating.

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable with this. And I'm a hot twenty something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be comfortable with this. And I'm a hot twenty something

Oh, please. When I was a hot 20 year old I did not a 50 year old.

[Anonymous]

I worked in academia for 25 years, and yes, hot young grad students do sleep with older men, God bless them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked in academia for 25 years, and yes, hot young grad students do sleep with older men, God bless them!

OP again. She's late twenties, I would guess. She's not studying in her grad program the language she's teaching him, but is a native speaker and tutors on the side to make money. He found her on a website that he's used to hire tutors for other languages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

You make it sounds as if he was gaslighting you.
Is your gut uncomfortable with his language tutor??

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am a little uncomfortable but can't really point to anything. I guess I could nose around, but that feels like an invasion of privacy. Back when he was learning some Swedish from the au pairs, he used to keep vocabulary lists in a notebook, but I think those are in his work office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I am a little uncomfortable but can't really point to anything. I guess I could nose around, but that feels like an invasion of privacy. Back when he was learning some Swedish from the au pairs, he used to keep vocabulary lists in a notebook, but I think those are in his work office.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

You make it sounds as if he was gaslighting you.
Is your gut uncomfortable with his language tutor??

Yeah. I'm sensing gaslighting. It is incredibly easy to fool those that have been married a long time and have unconditional trust. You wouldn't be the first to be completely blind-sided.

But, in hind sight, you will remember all of these times you let him mansplain and believed what he said.

I would not be comfortable with this situation at all. And, the fact he's setting these up as appointments creates a reason why he would be meeting her if anyone were to ever question it or see them together.

And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, are these tutor sessions taking place in your empty house or her apartment?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, call it sexist or misogynistic or whatever else you want to call it: never hire an attractive live-in au pair or private tutor for your spouse.

I call that: smart.