Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

I've never had an au pair, but close have friends have. You don't understand--they can become part of the family. They had two different ones, and whenever they are back in the country, even we go down the street to visit them. That's not weird. What is a little strange is OP thinking they "started young," when they sent an 18-year-old off at the age of 49. That's pretty normal.

I'm 50 with an 11 year old. My eldest is 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. But the idea that my husband would have a clue how to flirt with someone in their 20s cracks me up.

I trust my husband 100%.

This. I’ve never seen my husband flirt with another woman, check out another woman, look at pictures/ porn. I know he appreciates an attractive woman and he isn’t blind. But he is very much a gentleman. Most of my friend’s husbands fall into this category. I think the fact that OP is worried about this says a lot about her husband and the vibe he gives off.

Right. According to a 2018 study reported in Psychology Today of men aged 18-73, 97% had looked at porn and 82% were regular viewers. But not anyone you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. But the idea that my husband would have a clue how to flirt with someone in their 20s cracks me up.

I trust my husband 100%.

This. I’ve never seen my husband flirt with another woman, check out another woman, look at pictures/ porn. I know he appreciates an attractive woman and he isn’t blind. But he is very much a gentleman. Most of my friend’s husbands fall into this category. I think the fact that OP is worried about this says a lot about her husband and the vibe he gives off.

Right. According to a 2018 study reported in Psychology Today of men aged 18-73, 97% had looked at porn and 82% were regular viewers. But not anyone you know.

I don’t doubt that her husband is gentlemanly; however, you’re right- statistically highly unlikely that he and his brethren abstain from porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

I've never had an au pair, but close have friends have. You don't understand--they can become part of the family. They had two different ones, and whenever they are back in the country, even we go down the street to visit them. That's not weird. What is a little strange is OP thinking they "started young," when they sent an 18-year-old off at the age of 49. That's pretty normal.

DS is on the older side and took a gap year. I'm 46. Felt young to me since we had just gotten married.

DH is really into language learning, so I don't think this is a "cover." He's the sort of person whose idea of a fun vacation is to do an intensive language course in a foreign country for a couple or three weeks. Immersive learning he calls it.

What countries, OP?

He's done them in Colombia and Spain,

[Anonymous]

sorry, got cut off ... and someday wants to learn Thai. He spent a couple months in Thailand before I met him, traveling with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. But the idea that my husband would have a clue how to flirt with someone in their 20s cracks me up.

I trust my husband 100%.

This. I’ve never seen my husband flirt with another woman, check out another woman, look at pictures/ porn. I know he appreciates an attractive woman and he isn’t blind. But he is very much a gentleman. Most of my friend’s husbands fall into this category. I think the fact that OP is worried about this says a lot about her husband and the vibe he gives off.

Right. According to a 2018 study reported in Psychology Today of men aged 18-73, 97% had looked at porn and 82% were regular viewers. But not anyone you know.

I don’t doubt that her husband is gentlemanly; however, you’re right- statistically highly unlikely that he and his brethren abstain from porn.

Only if you look at the statistics for American men. Most men don’t look at porn as much as Americans do.

[Anonymous]

Hot!!

[Anonymous]

OP here, his family has Swedish roots but parents did not speak it to him when he was growing up. One of the Swedish au pairs was a second cousin’s kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, his family has Swedish roots but parents did not speak it to him when he was growing up. One of the Swedish au pairs was a second cousin’s kid.

That’s the only situation in which it would make sense.

OP, does your husband have a wandering eye? Does he comment a lot on how attractive other women are or drop hints that he misses the freedom of his single days? Wondering why it seems possible to you that he might stray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, his family has Swedish roots but parents did not speak it to him when he was growing up. One of the Swedish au pairs was a second cousin’s kid.

That’s the only situation in which it would make sense.

OP, does your husband have a wandering eye? Does he comment a lot on how attractive other women are or drop hints that he misses the freedom of his single days? Wondering why it seems possible to you that he might stray.

He gets a lot of attention from other women, because he's very attractive. But he just ignores it usually and he does not have a wandering eye and he knows I won't tolerate that. He knows my history: I broke off a previous engagement to someone who cheated on me. I was very clear about this before we got married. Still, I've occasionally had a feeling that something wasn't right, and I do with this latest tutor.

Thanks to those who have offered good advice. I'll keep an eye out and see if I can figure out if there's any basis for my feeling.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. He just told me he's going to start up lessons with her at the end of the week. I have to be out of town for a couple of days, including the day they plan to meet. Also, I asked him to make sure she got her booster and he responded immediately that she had gotten it. That struck me as a bit odd because, unlike me, he's not very worried about covid but maybe she mentioned that without him asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here again. He just told me he's going to start up lessons with her at the end of the week. I have to be out of town for a couple of days, including the day they plan to meet. Also, I asked him to make sure she got her booster and he responded immediately that she had gotten it. That struck me as a bit odd because, unlike me, he's not very worried about covid but maybe she mentioned that without him asking.

Get one of those miniature spy cameras.

[Anonymous]

Wow the insecurity and lack of trust here.

Your DH is engaging in a great hobby -- learning new languages. It's not his fault that most tutors (i study languages also) happen to be in their 20s. It's not his fault she's female.

He's done nothing wrong, and yet you're suspicious.

You also seem to assume a 20s woman is going to be interested in a middle aged man, when she's probably getting flooded with offers on Tinder from men her age.

Let your DH enjoy his hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
sorry, got cut off ... and someday wants to learn Thai. He spent a couple months in Thailand before I met him, traveling with friends.

Hmm, that sounds suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here again. He just told me he's going to start up lessons with her at the end of the week. I have to be out of town for a couple of days, including the day they plan to meet. Also, I asked him to make sure she got her booster and he responded immediately that she had gotten it. That struck me as a bit odd because, unlike me, he's not very worried about covid but maybe she mentioned that without him asking.

Get one of those miniature spy cameras.

Are those legal?