Am I being paranoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I am a little uncomfortable but can't really point to anything. I guess I could nose around, but that feels like an invasion of privacy. Back when he was learning some Swedish from the au pairs, he used to keep vocabulary lists in a notebook, but I think those are in his work office.

So, yes, you need to nose around and figure out what feels off. Quietly. Without letting him know that you are doing this. In fact, if you have the dates he's going to meet with his tutor, have somebody you know go to where they meet to check in on what's going on. I mean, they could even watch your house - and ring the bell about 30 minutes in after she gets in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

You make it sounds as if he was gaslighting you.
Is your gut uncomfortable with his language tutor??

Yeah. I'm sensing gaslighting. It is incredibly easy to fool those that have been married a long time and have unconditional trust. You wouldn't be the first to be completely blind-sided.

But, in hind sight, you will remember all of these times you let him mansplain and believed what he said.

I would not be comfortable with this situation at all. And, the fact he's setting these up as appointments creates a reason why he would be meeting her if anyone were to ever question it or see them together.

And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, are these tutor sessions taking place in your empty house or her apartment?

He says they usually meet at a coffee shop, or outside at a park when it was warmer and you could sit outside, but she did come to the house one time when I was there, at least for the start of the lesson (and it all sounded legit to me). They haven't met for the last couple of weeks because of omicron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I am a little uncomfortable but can't really point to anything. I guess I could nose around, but that feels like an invasion of privacy. Back when he was learning some Swedish from the au pairs, he used to keep vocabulary lists in a notebook, but I think those are in his work office.

So, yes, you need to nose around and figure out what feels off. Quietly. Without letting him know that you are doing this. In fact, if you have the dates he's going to meet with his tutor, have somebody you know go to where they meet to check in on what's going on. I mean, they could even watch your house - and ring the bell about 30 minutes in after she gets in there.

Thank you, those are good ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

I've never had an au pair, but close have friends have. You don't understand--they can become part of the family. They had two different ones, and whenever they are back in the country, even we go down the street to visit them. That's not weird. What is a little strange is OP thinking they "started young," when they sent an 18-year-old off at the age of 49. That's pretty normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be comfortable with this. And I'm a hot twenty something

Oh please.

Who are you people? Mike Pence or something?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

Well, she was part of the family for that year, and she stayed in the area. Not true of all the au pairs we had.

[Anonymous]

In my young 20s, I was a language tutor, specifically business English and most of my students were older men. They were all married and I’d say about 25% of them were interested in more (some more subtle than others). Nothing inappropriate took place because I wasn’t even the slightest interested and kept things professional. I’m sure nothing inappropriate is going on but I also believe in managing risk and these can become risky situations. Could he find another tutor? Or is it very niche? I’d change tutors if my spouse asked and was concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

I've never had an au pair, but close have friends have. You don't understand--they can become part of the family. They had two different ones, and whenever they are back in the country, even we go down the street to visit them. That's not weird. What is a little strange is OP thinking they "started young," when they sent an 18-year-old off at the age of 49. That's pretty normal.

DS is on the older side and took a gap year. I'm 46. Felt young to me since we had just gotten married.

DH is really into language learning, so I don't think this is a "cover." He's the sort of person whose idea of a fun vacation is to do an intensive language course in a foreign country for a couple or three weeks. Immersive learning he calls it.

[Anonymous]

This would not bother me at all. But the idea that my husband would have a clue how to flirt with someone in their 20s cracks me up.

I trust my husband 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

I've never had an au pair, but close have friends have. You don't understand--they can become part of the family. They had two different ones, and whenever they are back in the country, even we go down the street to visit them. That's not weird. What is a little strange is OP thinking they "started young," when they sent an 18-year-old off at the age of 49. That's pretty normal.

DS is on the older side and took a gap year. I'm 46. Felt young to me since we had just gotten married.

DH is really into language learning, so I don't think this is a "cover." He's the sort of person whose idea of a fun vacation is to do an intensive language course in a foreign country for a couple or three weeks. Immersive learning he calls it.

What countries, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. But the idea that my husband would have a clue how to flirt with someone in their 20s cracks me up.

I trust my husband 100%.

This. I’ve never seen my husband flirt with another woman, check out another woman, look at pictures/ porn. I know he appreciates an attractive woman and he isn’t blind. But he is very much a gentleman. Most of my friend’s husbands fall into this category. I think the fact that OP is worried about this says a lot about her husband and the vibe he gives off.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest he only meet in public spaces to protect himself. Your home = bad idea

[Anonymous]

Of course he picked her based on her looks, it makes learning a new language a lot more fun and enjoyable.

Why don’t you hire a hot young trainer? Make sure he meets your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him? How shoukd he spend his time while you are away? Hopefully, it's just middle age hormones making you jealous. If he isn't a cheater, he isn't cheating.

I guess I could just do that. I worry he'll think I don't trust him. Many years ago I got very jealous about what I saw as flirtatious behavior toward one of the au pairs we had, and I ended up feeling like I made a big deal over nothing.

Oh, wait a minute! Did you witness or imagine you saw the flirting? How did he react? Are you always jealous, or only when something is up with dh?

It was just the way he was around her especially at the end of the year before she moved out, it seemed too familiar to me. I can't really describe anything concrete. But I talked to him about it and he made me see that there was nothing there, I was just overreacting. She ended up staying in the area and we remain good friends and have her over for dinner occasionally, although that will probably happen less now that DS is off at college. I'm not usually a jealous person.

Your kid just went off to college and you still hang out with their Au pair???

Talk about too familiar.

NP here. We still our kids' nanny, and she hasn't worked for us in 10 yrs. It's not really that uncommon.