Bar and Bat Mitzvah Protocol -
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Anonymous
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Our oldest DC has received several invitations for bar and bat mitzvahs this fall. We are not Jewish and are new at this.
Is DC supposed to bring a gift? If so, does DC bring it to the event or give it to the celebrant at another time? Any suggestions for types of things that are appropriate or how much we should spend? Is it supposed to be a religious gift? Also, some of the invitations are not clear as to whether DC is invited to the ceremony or the party or both. If timing for a morning service is in conflict, is it tacky to go just to the party and not the religious service? Or should we decline both? Finally, how can I help DC understand that this is not just a party but is a meaningful religious milestone to these kids? DC is at a new school this year and doesn't know any of these kids very well. I'm thinking they are all invite-the-whole-class types of things, but not sure about that. Thank you! |
Anonymous
Anonymous
We had a rule that if you could not attend morning service then you could not attend the party. One DC plays on competitive team and would have to miss nearly every party because of AM game conflicts. I know most of these moms and they told me to relax on it. DC now attends the services of BFFs, makes all the services DC can, and still attends parties for those where there is a conflict (if DC does not have conflict, DC MUST attend the AM service in order to go to party that evening). Monetary gifts in increments of $18 is probably easiest way to handle. |
Anonymous
Yes, your child needs to bring a gift. I do not think I received anything other than money for my Bat Mitzvah (do not remember friends actually giving me a non-monetary gift). Normally you give in multiples of $18. $36 would be appropriate in this case. Bring gift to the party. Your child is invited to the ceremony and the party. It is rude (IMHO) to go to the party and not the ceremony. If your child does not know the other child well and does not really want to go, just decline. By going to the service in the morning your child should get that it is a religious milestone and not some extravagant birthday party. |
Anonymous
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I'm chiming in because my DC has a bnai mitzvah this fall.
Yes, your DC is invited to both the ceremony and the party. The ceremony is the big deal and the party is to celebrate it. You are supposed to go to both, and both my DCs have made a point of saying how much it means to them to have their friends there. That said, they also have both said that if one of their friends legitimately cannot come for a major reason, they'd rather have the friend at one of the events rather than neither. Most people bring gifts but it's not required if it's a hardship. We mostly just want your DC there to help celebrate. If you do bring one, bring it to the party, not the synagogue, or send it in advance. It does not have to be a major gift. DC #1 literally got some $5 iTunes cards and that was fine (though others here will tell you different). The gift does not have to be religious - most are not. Finally, neither of my DCs invited their whole classes. They're both quieter kids and preferred a smaller group. So anyone who received an invitation from them was specifically chosen and really wanted there. |
Anonymous
| Another question regarding protocol - if my DD receives a Bar/Bat Mitzvah invitation and is not close to the child, would it be okay to decline the invite? Or is this a social situation where you just have to go? |
Anonymous
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It is somewhere in between a birthday party and a wedding (honestly, probably closer to a wedding in expense and preparation).
You definitely don't have to go, especially if not a close friend. |
Anonymous
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Is DC supposed to bring a gift? yes.
If so, does DC bring it to the event or give it to the celebrant at another time? bring to service and give at the end of reception when leaving. your child can give the gift to the kid's parents. Any suggestions for types of things that are appropriate or how much we should spend? it should be a check in multiples of $18. I personally don't know of anyone who's given less than $54 but I come from LI, NY where bar and bat mitzvahs are super fancy. Is it supposed to be a religious gift? no. it should be money in the form of a check. Also, some of the invitations are not clear as to whether DC is invited to the ceremony or the party or both. If timing for a morning service is in conflict, is it tacky to go just to the party and not the religious service? Or should we decline both? The SERVICE is the bar or bat mitzvah. That's the important part. It'd be like going to the wedding reception and not attending the wedding. So yes, it's tacky to just go to the party. Finally, how can I help DC understand that this is not just a party but is a meaningful religious milestone to these kids? Tell him? I mean, presumably your kid is 12 or 13 - old enough to understand it's when you become an adult in the eyes of the Jewish religion, and that it's a HUGE honor to be welcomed up to stand before the congregation and read from the torah. Not everyone gets to read from the torah. |
Anonymous
It's fine to decline. |
Anonymous
| NOT tacky to just attend the party. My kids would have been bummed if their friends didn't come to the party just because they had a conflict with the service. Neither they nor I can tell you who was at the service. Obviously go to the service if you can but if not then there is no reason to miss the party just because. |
Anonymous
To each their own. I'm 39 and can name every single friend who came to my bat mitzvah. They all came to the service. Random relatives and friends drove them to the reception. The only girls who didn't wear dresses were two girls who'd moved to the US from Israel two years prior, so it was understandable. All checks were $70+ from friends. |
Anonymous
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I will add that the kids need to be careful about the clothes they wear. Sometimes the party is after the ceremony and the kids come to the service in what looks like cocktail attire- I know they are 12 and 13, but that's what we are seeing now. High heels, revealing and short dresses. It can be sleeveless, but maybe include a sweater of some sort, not too short hemlines either. Boys should wear a suit, or a sport coat if a suit can't happen, and if that can't happen, some khakis and a nice button down shirt. Shoes, no sneakers. They will be expected to wear yarmulkes in the service- most places. If the party is at night, and the service is in the am, they need to dress respectfully ,a nice skirt or dress, I really haven't seen pants for girls, but that doesn't mean they can't, but no leggings, jeans, etc. Boys- see above. They are likely to be a little bored. Of course, but remind them about behavior. Absolutely no cellphones. Adults have to be reminded about that, too. Yes, unfortunately. Most shuls are prepared for guests and they help remind young guests, but sometimes kids are asked to leave if there is a problem. It's rare- most kids get it, not all, however.
The evening affairs can be very very fancy and very involved with food, bands, DJs, entertainment. If your kid is on this circuit this year, he/she may go to more than 20- I went to more than that when I was 13. Yeah, it sometimes waaay over the top, but the kids will have a year of super fun parties they won't see again until they all get married. Lately, some families are opting for lower key events- maybe just a luncheon, and really, I hope that trend continues. Sometimes there is all three- the service, a luncheon, and the big party later on. Have fun! |
Anonymous
Definitely NOT a universal sentiment. My kids in total have probably been to 50 of these. Many invites didn't even include the time and location of the service. We were often told that the kids weren't expected to attend. Having said that, if they ARE invited, they should go to a few just to appreciate it, especially for the non-Jews. |
Anonymous
| Anyone's kid not get a ton of invites ? A lot of DC's friends and classmates are turning 13 this year. I try not to worry that my child will be left out of this - especially since it sounds as though everyone can expect to be invited to many bar and bat mitzvahs - but it's hard. |
Anonymous
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