Bag/bar mitzvah questions

[Anonymous]

DC has been invited to several this fall. I have many questions about attendance and gift etiquette that DCUM can help with.

1) when the whole class is invited, do most kids go?
2) will the host be offended if the RSVP is no?
3) DC has several sports conflicts. Is it okay to skip the servings and just attend the evening party?
4) for someone DC just met for the first time, what is an appropriate gift?
5) the invite does not list an end time. How long do they usually last? Could DC sneak out after 1-2 hours to attend a game?
6) what is the appropriate attire for the service?
7) do you just out the cash in a card or something else?
8) is Boggle a good gift?
I

[Anonymous]

Sorry about the subject. Bat, not bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC has been invited to several this fall. I have many questions about attendance and gift etiquette that DCUM can help with.

1) when the whole class is invited, do most kids go?
2) will the host be offended if the RSVP is no?
3) DC has several sports conflicts. Is it okay to skip the servings and just attend the evening party?
4) for someone DC just met for the first time, what is an appropriate gift?
5) the invite does not list an end time. How long do they usually last? Could DC sneak out after 1-2 hours to attend a game?
6) what is the appropriate attire for the service?
7) do you just out the cash in a card or something else?
8) is Boggle a good gift?
I

You will likely get a lot of different opinions!

1) no way to say
2) no
3) I say no. The service is the real event. It would be similar to skipping a wedding and attending the reception. Unless it's for a truly unique conflict, it will come across as skipping the "boring" part and will seem disrespectful of the occasion.
4) birthday party level gift. Cash is traditional. Cash in multiples of $18 is a Jewish superstition based tradition that would almost seem mandatory if you read this board too much!
5) service times vary accross denominations. Asking the host is fine. Coming in late is also fine. In many denominations, two hours is the entire length of the service anyhow!
6) button down shirt and khakis is fine. For girls, modest dress (sleeves and not crazy short)
7) yes, cash can go in a card.
8) boggle is a fine gift if the bar mitzvah kid likes that sort of thing. Cash and a separate gift are not neccesary.

[Anonymous]

There will be a million opinions.

Generally, you should go to the service if you are going to the party, but sometimes life doesn't work out. I was very understanding about sports conflicts, myself, but I appreciated the parents who asked me point blank. I always answered: this is a joyous occasion for us, and we want you to share the joy any way you are able. I appreciate you talking to me about it, though. Kiddo, go to your game.

I think boggle is a bit immature, but a gift is a gift and is fine. Most give cash. Multiples of 18 as is appropriate for your income. You don't have to give in a manner appropriate for the family receiving. You don't have to "cover your costs" like some say about weddings.

Services: depends on the denomination. As far as "sneaking out" --yes, you can slip out, but you should say something to the family. The kid won't do most his stuff until the second hour. Many people are late for services. People can but rarely leave early.

Enjoy the year. It is fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There will be a million opinions.

Generally, you should go to the service if you are going to the party, but sometimes life doesn't work out. I was very understanding about sports conflicts, myself, but I appreciated the parents who asked me point blank. I always answered: this is a joyous occasion for us, and we want you to share the joy any way you are able. I appreciate you talking to me about it, though. Kiddo, go to your game.

I think boggle is a bit immature, but a gift is a gift and is fine. Most give cash. Multiples of 18 as is appropriate for your income. You don't have to give in a manner appropriate for the family receiving. You don't have to "cover your costs" like some say about weddings.

Services: depends on the denomination. As far as "sneaking out" --yes, you can slip out, but you should say something to the family. The kid won't do most his stuff until the second hour. Many people are late for services. People can but rarely leave early.

Enjoy the year. It is fun.

In Conservative services, people often arrive late -- the part where the child is featured is at the end. So, people stay until the end. In Reform temples, the child typically leads much of the service, the service is shorter, and it would be rude to arrive late or leave early. In orthodox, you need to attend the entire service.

As for the party, if you are only going to attend the first hour of the party, let the host know. It might reduce the number of meals required.

[Anonymous]

Both of my girls invited the whole grade to their Bat Mitzvahs, and most of the kids did attend. We were not at all bothered if a child could not attend the service but came to the party. My kids loved celebrating with their friends/classmates and would have been disappointed if someone who could have otherwise come to their party did not attend because that classmate could not attend the service. We were not at all offended if someone RSVP'd "no." Services last anywhere from 2 to 3 hours, depending on the synagogue. I would say that unless you know that your child will be able to attend that part of the service in which the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child is going to be chanting from the Torah or giving their speech, there's not much point in going. The most typical gift from classmates was a $36 check. Some gave more ($54), few gave less. Appropriate attire for a boy is khakis/dress pants and a button down shirt and tie; girls is something that covers the shoulders (no spaghetti straps unless she wears a shrug/sweater). Bottom line, my daughters were grateful for their classmates' attendance at both or either of the service and party and did not pay much attention to the gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my girls invited the whole grade to their Bat Mitzvahs, and most of the kids did attend. We were not at all bothered if a child could not attend the service but came to the party. My kids loved celebrating with their friends/classmates and would have been disappointed if someone who could have otherwise come to their party did not attend because that classmate could not attend the service. We were not at all offended if someone RSVP'd "no." Services last anywhere from 2 to 3 hours, depending on the synagogue. I would say that unless you know that your child will be able to attend that part of the service in which the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child is going to be chanting from the Torah or giving their speech, there's not much point in going. The most typical gift from classmates was a $36 check. Some gave more ($54), few gave less. Appropriate attire for a boy is khakis/dress pants and a button down shirt and tie; girls is something that covers the shoulders (no spaghetti straps unless she wears a shrug/sweater). Bottom line, my daughters were grateful for their classmates' attendance at both or either of the service and party and did not pay much attention to the gifts.

This fairly well sums up our DD's bat mitzvah experience.

[Anonymous]

I am about to decline an invite for my child which involved 2 50 mile round trips into DC with a midnight pickup. Classmate but not good friends. Logistics are just too much for us.

[Anonymous]

Isn't Boggle a Seinfeld reference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am about to decline an invite for my child which involved 2 50 mile round trips into DC with a midnight pickup. Classmate but not good friends. Logistics are just too much for us.

Is there someone he could carpool with? This isn't just a party. This is a huge milestone in this child's life. I am almost 39 and still have my torah portion memorized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am about to decline an invite for my child which involved 2 50 mile round trips into DC with a midnight pickup. Classmate but not good friends. Logistics are just too much for us.

Is there someone he could carpool with? This isn't just a party. This is a huge milestone in this child's life. I am almost 39 and still have my torah portion memorized.

I'm 50 and I still know mine.

Midnight is very late. I recently went to a fancy schmancy ny bm and the kids were tuckered out long before midnight.

[Anonymous]

Man, this thread is taking me back to my bat mitzvah year in an all-Jewish town. At least one bar or bat mitzvah every weekend for a year-plus.

What's amazing is that the rules haven't changed in almost 30 years--pretty much everything folks have posted here is the same as it was back then.

And I still can't believe the number of midnight pick-ups my parents did that year. Wow.

(41, and I don't remember my Torah portion. But I do remember every word of pretty much every 1987 hit song.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, this thread is taking me back to my bat mitzvah year in an all-Jewish town. At least one bar or bat mitzvah every weekend for a year-plus.

What's amazing is that the rules haven't changed in almost 30 years--pretty much everything folks have posted here is the same as it was back then.

And I still can't believe the number of midnight pick-ups my parents did that year. Wow.

(41, and I don't remember my Torah portion. But I do remember every word of pretty much every 1987 hit song.)

Family friend's DD's daughter had the same portion as I did...Exodus 12:21-27. I was able to follow along with the Hebrew at hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am about to decline an invite for my child which involved 2 50 mile round trips into DC with a midnight pickup. Classmate but not good friends. Logistics are just too much for us.

Is there someone he could carpool with? This isn't just a party. This is a huge milestone in this child's life. I am almost 39 and still have my torah portion memorized.

No..we don't have anyone close by. Like I said, classmate but nothing outside of school. It was just an invite the whole class. I had a Bat Mitzvah. I know it is a big deal but my child is a casual acquaintance. Beyond the 100 miles and 2 hours of driving very late at night there is a dress and a gift. A lot for a casual friend.