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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
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Anonymous
Agree. It depends. This OW sounds completely batsh@t and she is in another country. Cut all means of contact. Delete any accounts, social media, change a phone number if need be, block on all devices. She’ll find a new married guy in the bar soon enough. Thankfully, she’s far enough away and sounds to broke to even buy a plane ticket…oh wait she’s 38 and never been on a plane  . I forgot!
Good riddens to her |
Anonymous
| I missed something….did OP contact the AP? |
Anonymous
Op here. I sent her a message from DHs phone the say I found out. I just told her that everything he's ever said to her has been a complete lie and I gave her .y number if she wanted to speak to me calmly like adults. I havent heard back and she didn't respond to the message nor DHs message to cut off contact. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry. It's probably angry AP. Get ready for lots of p0rnhub spam |
Anonymous
+1 I got phone calls with nobody talking from “unknown caller”. Dialing through the internet. |
Anonymous
Totally disagree with this post. Cheating can be emotional as well as physical. Plus, do not lie to your parents. |
Anonymous
How do you know what he said is a complete lie? |
Anonymous
So why are some of the posters calling her crazy? |
Anonymous
Because she has done things like screenshot my MILs Facebook profile to DH and threaten to send her everything if DH stopped responding to her. |
Anonymous
| I use whatsapp daily with dozens of contacts, including coworkers and clients all over the world. I very rarely get spam (maybe once a year, a random message, which I block). If she has your number and has proven to be crazy, it seems chances are good she’s signing you up for spam. But then at least you know it’s over and he’s not keeping that door open. |
Anonymous
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OP- google the actress Anna Kendrick. She discovered cheating text messages that her partner of 6 years (who she considered a husband) and discussed the horror and trauma. She was going through freezing embryos with him at the time. But he denied and tried to gaslight her. Your husband chose to tell the truth.
Anyways, it’s oddly comforting to see this can happen to anyone. |
Anonymous
|
Op here. It's been two weeks since D Day and I am just completely broken. I had a glimmer of hope over the weekend, but it faded quickly yesterday.
DH blew up at me last night. He has been so calm and supportive (as strange as that sounds for the situation). He's answered my thousands of questions thoroughly over and over. He's done everything for the household and family because I've just been totally out of commission and barely scraping by. He's put on an extra happy face for the kids to counteracted my visible despair. Last night, he came into the bedroom and asked if I needed anything. I said no. He asked if he could sit with me for a bit. I said yes. I started asking questions about the affair again because I'm really trying to process this. I made a mean comment. He quietly got up and walked away back to the in law suite where he's been staying. I waited 10 minutes and went down there and told him that he can't just walk away from me and if he really wanted a shot at fixing this, he was going to have to endure my questions and distrust for years to come. He basically said fine you want me feelings- here's my feelings. And he started SCREAMING. We have never raised our voices at each other before. The things he was saying were somewhat understandable but it scared the sh*t out of me how angry he was- he was neon red, veins popping, standing in this animalistic stance like a gorilla or something (I realize this sounds ridiculous). He was yelling that he's been so calm and trying to sit there and be supportive to me and that I push him for conversations he's not ready to have because he's still awaiting therapy to start and he doesn't have the right tools to do this now without effing it up. That he's trying to answer my questions honestly but I don't accept his answers. (Mostly surrounding why, how could you do this, how could you throw me aside like trash, how could I be so stupid etc). He responds that he didn't set out to hurt me, didn't do any of this with the intention of hurting me, it was a happenstance situation that snowballed out of control and he was compartmentalizing so hard that he didn't even think of it as a "real" affair. He says he's not trying to minimize the situation but that the affair was so isolated in his mind and like a fake parallel life to his family life that the two didn't intersect in his brain. He says he didn't even understand that the depression he has been in, shorter fuse in everyday interactions, eating like crap, not sleeping, letting his lifelong friendships slip away, and overwhelming feelings of self hatred were manifestations of the guilt that was eating him alive. We have our first couples counseling today. I know many recommended not doing it until after individual counseling but we at least need to be able to have conversations and learn to communicate through this time even if it's not actually surrounding the affair. He also disclosed that he's been hiding whiskey in the basement and on really bad days, he would finish up work early and make himself a drink or two before coming upstairs and/or sit and drink alone after I went to sleep. I did tell one of my best friends Sunday night. We went to dinner and she was SHOCKED (she's been my friend longer than I've known DH), but really supportive and nonjudgemental which felt like a weight was lifted. I'm feeling so lost and my sense of reality is just...gone. I don't know what day it is. I'm not sleeping or eating. Days and nights are blending together. I went to the grocery store yesterday and asked a worker if they had something and they said it was out of stock and my first thought was if they were telling me the truth. Wondering at what point I reach out to my GP. I need to function for my kids. |
Anonymous
| Updating because it gives me some weird sense of purpose thinking someone may dig this thread up someday and find solace knowing that the reactions they're feeling are normal. |
Anonymous
I think most of us here understand, OP, and it's fine -- you need someplace to vent. Re: the start of couples therapy, I'm glad you were able to get it started this soon; finding therapists of any type can be tough right now. That's a positive, that you were able to get going already. I haven't been through it myself, so others who have might offer better advice on this one thing but I did find myself thinking, be sure your DH mentions the hiding alcohol and secret drinking, in therapy. I'm sorry he blew up at you but it may also be a preview of how he may handle things--in a cooler tone of course -- with the therapist. It sounds like your DH has some therapy-adjacent language rattling around in his head and his mouth -- he was "compartmentalizing," he is depressed, he needs "tools" that he seems to believe he must gain through therapy, etc. That could mean he's ready to take therapy seriously or it could mean he's (maybe unconsciously) going to talk in ways that make him seem less of the transgressor and you more of the problem. It's good you're writing down what you're saying and experiencing so that if he alters his take, you know what you heard in these early days. I'm not saying he'd gaslight you, OP, but you need to have your own account of what was said. I would NOT let it exist just here on a website, though. I'd copy to a file (and probably print out, and store somewhere he won't find them) the messages you've written on this thread, and add to them in a journal that is not online and does not exist only in a computer, either. Not as "evidence" or whatever, but for your own sake, so you know what you were told and when. I hope he gets individual therapy ASAP concurrently with the couples therapy because he needs it. |
Anonymous
DP, not the PP: OP, have you, or you and your DH (if he can calm down) thought through how you plan to respond if she actually ever does this? She may never do it, and we'll pray she doesn't. But you might want to have already discussed how you and DH will both respond with family if she does this, so there is no scramble to react just after being blindsided and while MIL (and others) are coming to you both in shock. Literally script out what you would say, short and sweet and NO oversharing or details--you do not owe those to family however close the two families are (and yes I recall your families are very close). I would hope the couples therapist could help with prepping for this, but not sure if a therapist is going to give actual advice like that or just ask "What do you think you should do?" etc. |