Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I heard from my therapist about OW is “good news is she never had children herself.”

This is so true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I heard from my therapist about OW is “good news is she never had children herself.”

Yeah. My neighbor mentally screwed up her kids because she had been using the house basically like an escort service, bringing APs in to screw while they were at high school and dad was at work. An entirely messed up life where she cared more about that than anything else.

Some people should not have kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This morning out of nowhere our older kid gave me a huge hug and said "Mommy, there's no one as good as you in the whole world. You are the best person from here to outer space and I'm so happy you are my mommy. Isn't Mommy the best person, Daddy?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

I'm not OP, but I'm just curious what people who BTDT think about this. Can anything good come of that?

Yes, I think it helped with the healing process since at the beginning there was absolutely no trust left. How else would I know if what he was saying was true. Back when this happened to me, there were no cell phones (at least not with texting, think brick phones and pagers) so it did help to have that conversation. Some things were confirmed, and more was revealed. There is no way he is telling you everything at this point. They always hold back to see what you can discover. I hope yours is being completely forthcoming but if I were you, I'd have the conversation with the OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This morning out of nowhere our older kid gave me a huge hug and said "Mommy, there's no one as good as you in the whole world. You are the best person from here to outer space and I'm so happy you are my mommy. Isn't Mommy the best person, Daddy?"

Those babies and their hugs are the most healing but it such a different way. You will figure out what's best for both you and them. You've got this Momma.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My phone is getting all these spam chain messages now on WhatsApp (which DH and OW used to communicate). I have never gotten a message on WhatsApp ever, I only just downloaded it to contact our airport transfer driver when we landed on our trip per the company's instructions.

When I originally messaged OW on DH's phone to tell her he was lying about everything, I did include my number and let her know that she could reach out if she had any further questions or would like to have an adult conversation with me.

Do we think this is a coincidence? Is she signing me up for spam lists or something? Just started happening this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

I'm not OP, but I'm just curious what people who BTDT think about this. Can anything good come of that?

Yes, I think it helped with the healing process since at the beginning there was absolutely no trust left. How else would I know if what he was saying was true. Back when this happened to me, there were no cell phones (at least not with texting, think brick phones and pagers) so it did help to have that conversation. Some things were confirmed, and more was revealed. There is no way he is telling you everything at this point. They always hold back to see what you can discover. I hope yours is being completely forthcoming but if I were you, I'd have the conversation with the OW.

DP and not the OP here. That's reasonable and worked for you, and is something I know others have done, but in this case, a lot of people are advising OP to proceed with extreme caution re: this particular OW. The OP has read texts etc. and says the OW (who is in another country) appears greedily needy to the point of being a bit unhinged. This sounds like the kind of OW who might take an approach by the OP as a challenge to be met, something that might set the OW off in who knows what way. Not sure if this OW is going to give OP any clarity or just muddy things with lies and fantasies. And it would be very difficult for OP to determine whether what this OW says is true, partial truth, or total fabrication. This won't be a frank or remorseful OW, I think. I'm not saying no one should ever talk to the OW. I'm just referring to the OP's characterization of THIS OW. And this OW sounds like she might feel empowered if OP contacts her--like the OW matters more than she really should, going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My phone is getting all these spam chain messages now on WhatsApp (which DH and OW used to communicate). I have never gotten a message on WhatsApp ever, I only just downloaded it to contact our airport transfer driver when we landed on our trip per the company's instructions.

When I originally messaged OW on DH's phone to tell her he was lying about everything, I did include my number and let her know that she could reach out if she had any further questions or would like to have an adult conversation with me.

Do we think this is a coincidence? Is she signing me up for spam lists or something? Just started happening this morning.

It's possible, but unlikely. More likely, your airport transportation company sold your contact info -- it happens. Either way, it's nothing you need to spend your energy on. Delete/block and move on.

[Anonymous]

I think the whatsapp thing is likely. I

[Anonymous]

I loaded WhatsApp when we went to Columbia in 2019. Used it to communicate with a woman who coordinated a tour for us. I got spammed so much I just deleted the app after we left. So, I think the WhatsApp thing likely is a coincidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

I'm not OP, but I'm just curious what people who BTDT think about this. Can anything good come of that?

Yes, I think it helped with the healing process since at the beginning there was absolutely no trust left. How else would I know if what he was saying was true. Back when this happened to me, there were no cell phones (at least not with texting, think brick phones and pagers) so it did help to have that conversation. Some things were confirmed, and more was revealed. There is no way he is telling you everything at this point. They always hold back to see what you can discover. I hope yours is being completely forthcoming but if I were you, I'd have the conversation with the OW.

DP and not the OP here. That's reasonable and worked for you, and is something I know others have done, but in this case, a lot of people are advising OP to proceed with extreme caution re: this particular OW. The OP has read texts etc. and says the OW (who is in another country) appears greedily needy to the point of being a bit unhinged. This sounds like the kind of OW who might take an approach by the OP as a challenge to be met, something that might set the OW off in who knows what way. Not sure if this OW is going to give OP any clarity or just muddy things with lies and fantasies. And it would be very difficult for OP to determine whether what this OW says is true, partial truth, or total fabrication. This won't be a frank or remorseful OW, I think. I'm not saying no one should ever talk to the OW. I'm just referring to the OP's characterization of THIS OW. And this OW sounds like she might feel empowered if OP contacts her--like the OW matters more than she really should, going forward.

+1. I personally would never contact an OW because it brings you down to her level. Do you think Bey contacted Jay-Z's AP? I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand the anger towards the OW, but no, I would not contact her. Honestly "my" OW sounds 100x saner than yours, but there's still nothing good to come from it. She tried to insert herself in a relationship that didn't involve her. The way you sort that out isn't by involving her more.

3 years later, I contacted her with a specific request to take something down online, which she did. We had a brief, cordial exchange. I felt like I had both given her grace but also, in doing so, had shown that I was the bigger person. It felt good to me. But I was also prepared for no response or a bad response from her. I can't control other people.

Your OW threatened to kill herself to keep your DH involved, right? You've got someone more on the "bunny boiler" end of the spectrum. And yeah, I have WhatsApp but I don't have any spam messages? So it could definitely be her.

Some people are completely against any contact with an AP. I think it depends on the circumstances. *However,* it should be about saying your piece. It can't require participation from the OW, who is one of the last people on the planet who wants to help YOU. And if she does, well, it's possibly about her wanting to stay inserted in your marriage more than any rational, compassionate response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

Mine did this too. Mine cried; did yours cry? I think it was when it finally dawned on him what he had done and how I had a right to walk (it wasn't an instant switch flipped for him . . . there were a couple of weeks of moping about giving up the OW, and some projected reasons for it somehow being my fault he had an affair, etc.). He cried and said he would always take care of me and the kids and he'd move down the street if he had to. But I think this is important -- he did reassure me that he very much did NOT want this option, but he understood that it was up to me and he might have broken things beyond repair.

This was 8 years ago and we are doing well now.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. My neighbor mentally screwed up her kids because she had been using the house basically like an escort service, bringing APs in to screw while they were at high school and dad was at work. An entirely messed up life where she cared more about that than anything else.

Some people should not have kids.

Usually when you post about your DH’s affair with this woman you don’t change her into your neighbor. You really need to stop letting her live rent free in your head - it’s been since the beginning of Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

I'm not OP, but I'm just curious what people who BTDT think about this. Can anything good come of that?

Yes, I think it helped with the healing process since at the beginning there was absolutely no trust left. How else would I know if what he was saying was true. Back when this happened to me, there were no cell phones (at least not with texting, think brick phones and pagers) so it did help to have that conversation. Some things were confirmed, and more was revealed. There is no way he is telling you everything at this point. They always hold back to see what you can discover. I hope yours is being completely forthcoming but if I were you, I'd have the conversation with the OW.

DP and not the OP here. That's reasonable and worked for you, and is something I know others have done, but in this case, a lot of people are advising OP to proceed with extreme caution re: this particular OW. The OP has read texts etc. and says the OW (who is in another country) appears greedily needy to the point of being a bit unhinged. This sounds like the kind of OW who might take an approach by the OP as a challenge to be met, something that might set the OW off in who knows what way. Not sure if this OW is going to give OP any clarity or just muddy things with lies and fantasies. And it would be very difficult for OP to determine whether what this OW says is true, partial truth, or total fabrication. This won't be a frank or remorseful OW, I think. I'm not saying no one should ever talk to the OW. I'm just referring to the OP's characterization of THIS OW. And this OW sounds like she might feel empowered if OP contacts her--like the OW matters more than she really should, going forward.

+1. I personally would never contact an OW because it brings you down to her level. Do you think Bey contacted Jay-Z's AP? I don't think so.

Agree. They don’t have your best interest at heart in fact you are the obstacle they had been wishing would die or he would divorce you when you didn’t even know they existed. You aren’t going to get anything truthful out of them. If anything, they are going to try to purposefully say things to make it worse.