When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made it her mission to let us know the marriage imploded because my dad cheated. It was sort of obvious he cheated because he ended up with his AP.

But she still dwells on it. And I love mom but she has some major issues including likely a narcissistic personality (and I know that is a rare diagnosis but she really fits the bill).

It's one thing to let the kids know if you must, but to dwell on it or to use it to triangulate the kids will backfire

My mom spent many years raging about her father and XH being narcissists. It took me a long time to realize that she was also a narcissist. Can't tell her that, though, as she would never accept it and would just lash out at me.

And yes, everything she said about our dad being a cheater (obvious to us because he ended up with his AP) came from her narcissism and desire to enlist us as allies in her war against him. This is more often than not the reason people insist you must tell the kids (not "honesty" or however they rationalize it).

[Anonymous]

Yeah, as I said in a prior post, you wouldn't be telling your kids all about your married sex life, so there's no reason to tell them about your extramarital or post marital sex life either. They are children. Also, cheating doesn't always lead to divorce. If you've got an unrepentant serial cheater, a sex addict, etc., then I'm sure those character traits are obvious to everyone without needing to know the details. It's hard to imagine your ex-H is some super well adjusted, self-actualized person if he's engaging in these behaviors, and you can focus on those issues as they impact your children ("Daddy has trouble with some grown up things like saving money or showing up when he's supposed to"). Again, this is all done in an age appropriate way in order to help the children process.

I was blindsided and heartbroken by my husband's affair but I am still an adult. I don't get a pass for bad behavior just because he has done bad things. I need to lean on my support network to get me through while maintaining appropriate boundaries with and for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh look shocker the thread devolves into multiple pages of adults arguing about cheaters. This is why none of us kids want to hear about it, figure out your crap and don’t ruin the events you both have to come to for the rest of our lives

- the kids, who will eventually hate both of you if you fight like jerk children for our whole childhood

Do kids like you ever stop whining or playing the victim? If it’s so easy why are you on here telling everyone you feel you deserved better? I mean you should be over it right?

This post is literally about when to tell the kids. You get input from kids you don’t like and you dismiss it but you gleefully engage with “cheaters” for pages and pages because you’re entirely unable to move on and happy to obsess about it for the rest of your life. Sorry it sucks to know that is screwing up your kids as bad as the cheating did.

That’s a false analogy. Most of the people here commenting are people getting a divorce now or just recently or still married dealing with a cheater. You are a grown adult. How many years has it been since this has affected you? Also people do want to move on from it. Not just hide it.

That was not an analogy. It is facts. You engage with cheaters to argue with them and you have dismissed the posts from children who said the fighting made them miserable. And you don't want to move on from it, you just want permission to openly complain about it for the next 30 years and not feel like anyone thinks you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

Yes, it is, but that's an entirely separate conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

Does this apply to all oaths? Then why take an oath and vow to hold oneself to a standard in relation to another person?

Everyone who has been cheated on was supposed to know that they would be cheated on, specifically by the person they married who also took the oath to love and honor the person they married??

The joke is on you because you actually trusted another person?

What should a trusting person do? Not believe someone who they do not yet know is a liar?

How about creating a new insurance product, something better than a prenuptial agreement? Everyone could apply and be approved, like directors and officers policies, to prevent financial ruin. There could even be a psychological interview, similar to a blood test for cholesterol for life insurance policies, and if the prospective spouse has a specific number of ACES or admits to cheating in past relationships, then that would impact the premium and help all of the trusting people to understand that the risks of being cheated on ARE real and will cost them significantly in the future. Future children could be listed as beneficiaries, and that's how the kids would could be told and comprehend that one parent broke an agreement, and the other parent did not have to pay more than their fair market share for the loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

Does this apply to all oaths? Then why take an oath and vow to hold oneself to a standard in relation to another person?

Everyone who has been cheated on was supposed to know that they would be cheated on, specifically by the person they married who also took the oath to love and honor the person they married??

The joke is on you because you actually trusted another person?

What should a trusting person do? Not believe someone who they do not yet know is a liar?

How about creating a new insurance product, something better than a prenuptial agreement? Everyone could apply and be approved, like directors and officers policies, to prevent financial ruin. There could even be a psychological interview, similar to a blood test for cholesterol for life insurance policies, and if the prospective spouse has a specific number of ACES or admits to cheating in past relationships, then that would impact the premium and help all of the trusting people to understand that the risks of being cheated on ARE real and will cost them significantly in the future. Future children could be listed as beneficiaries, and that's how the kids would could be told and comprehend that one parent broke an agreement, and the other parent did not have to pay more than their fair market share for the loss.

No insurance company would sell such an agreement, too high loss potential. Marriage contract was supposed to be this "insurance" but it's no longer providing it, after courts repealed and stopped "penalizing" financially for adultery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

Does this apply to all oaths? Then why take an oath and vow to hold oneself to a standard in relation to another person?

Everyone who has been cheated on was supposed to know that they would be cheated on, specifically by the person they married who also took the oath to love and honor the person they married??

The joke is on you because you actually trusted another person?

What should a trusting person do? Not believe someone who they do not yet know is a liar?

How about creating a new insurance product, something better than a prenuptial agreement? Everyone could apply and be approved, like directors and officers policies, to prevent financial ruin. There could even be a psychological interview, similar to a blood test for cholesterol for life insurance policies, and if the prospective spouse has a specific number of ACES or admits to cheating in past relationships, then that would impact the premium and help all of the trusting people to understand that the risks of being cheated on ARE real and will cost them significantly in the future. Future children could be listed as beneficiaries, and that's how the kids would could be told and comprehend that one parent broke an agreement, and the other parent did not have to pay more than their fair market share for the loss.

People do this all the time. They take oaths and fail to keep them. If you choose to decide that people are infallible when they clearly fail iver and over again, the joke is on you. I mean, look at the rates of infidelity out there. What? There was a 30% chance that your spouse was going to cheat, and you choose to wallow in self destruction instead of moving on? Or you chose to leave your career for him without an iron clad post nup in place and now you are bitter? Yeah, the joke is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

Does this apply to all oaths? Then why take an oath and vow to hold oneself to a standard in relation to another person?

Everyone who has been cheated on was supposed to know that they would be cheated on, specifically by the person they married who also took the oath to love and honor the person they married??

The joke is on you because you actually trusted another person?

What should a trusting person do? Not believe someone who they do not yet know is a liar?

How about creating a new insurance product, something better than a prenuptial agreement? Everyone could apply and be approved, like directors and officers policies, to prevent financial ruin. There could even be a psychological interview, similar to a blood test for cholesterol for life insurance policies, and if the prospective spouse has a specific number of ACES or admits to cheating in past relationships, then that would impact the premium and help all of the trusting people to understand that the risks of being cheated on ARE real and will cost them significantly in the future. Future children could be listed as beneficiaries, and that's how the kids would could be told and comprehend that one parent broke an agreement, and the other parent did not have to pay more than their fair market share for the loss.

Half of people cheat. I totally get how it's devastating when it happens but it can't really be a shock. I don't think my spouse has cheated on me but who knows. Is there any greater temptation in life than sex with someone shiny and new?

[Anonymous]

It can absolutely be a shock, pp. in many cases, the cheater is hiding the affair, lying, reassuring his spouse everything is fine and in some insidious cases, gaslighting the spouse to make them feel like they are going crazy for having any suspicions at all. Then when it is discovered, they flip a switch and blame everything on the betrayed spouse like it was all their fault ti begin with…. Completely ignoring the fact that they insisted things were fine and they’re was nothing to worry about.

I truly hope you never have to experience this, because it is literally so terrifying and disorienting that you feel like you can’t discern reality from fiction anymore. It’s extreme emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can absolutely be a shock, pp. in many cases, the cheater is hiding the affair, lying, reassuring his spouse everything is fine and in some insidious cases, gaslighting the spouse to make them feel like they are going crazy for having any suspicions at all. Then when it is discovered, they flip a switch and blame everything on the betrayed spouse like it was all their fault ti begin with…. Completely ignoring the fact that they insisted things were fine and they’re was nothing to worry about.

I truly hope you never have to experience this, because it is literally so terrifying and disorienting that you feel like you can’t discern reality from fiction anymore. It’s extreme emotional abuse.

Confirm all this: it's not the cheating itself as much as my exH driving me mad with my suspiciousness that was the hardest! He made me literally believe I was going crazy (whereby I was totally right about his cheating, as I found hard proof 5 years after). He was calling me and our son every day on video from his hotel room on business trips. His AP must had been hiding in a bathroom or something, as I had a full view of the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

I think this is normal and what most people think of when they tell their kids they are divorcing because of an affair as well. It's just this one daughter of a mother and cheater who is telling people how awful it was to know but that's because it went on and on and wasn't just a one time conversation. But if you have older kids have you really just told them that you guys split up because you didn't get along? It just seems very fake and I think confusing to the children because they probably did see you getting along for the most part since cheating is secret. That is the discussion. Whether to tell them ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

DP.

Oh please. Humans are not gods. If you think that an oath will prevent a human being from being flawed, don't marry. If you do, the joke is on you.

Does this apply to all oaths? Then why take an oath and vow to hold oneself to a standard in relation to another person?

Everyone who has been cheated on was supposed to know that they would be cheated on, specifically by the person they married who also took the oath to love and honor the person they married??

The joke is on you because you actually trusted another person?

What should a trusting person do? Not believe someone who they do not yet know is a liar?

How about creating a new insurance product, something better than a prenuptial agreement? Everyone could apply and be approved, like directors and officers policies, to prevent financial ruin. There could even be a psychological interview, similar to a blood test for cholesterol for life insurance policies, and if the prospective spouse has a specific number of ACES or admits to cheating in past relationships, then that would impact the premium and help all of the trusting people to understand that the risks of being cheated on ARE real and will cost them significantly in the future. Future children could be listed as beneficiaries, and that's how the kids would could be told and comprehend that one parent broke an agreement, and the other parent did not have to pay more than their fair market share for the loss.

Half of people cheat. I totally get how it's devastating when it happens but it can't really be a shock. I don't think my spouse has cheated on me but who knows. Is there any greater temptation in life than sex with someone shiny and new?

Half of adult people do not cheat or at least not in certain demographic groups. I think in some groups yes, but my parents didn't hear about any cheating their whole lives and only knew one divorced couple they were good friends with and that person remarried about 3 years after the divorce and was happy again and that was because of physical abuse from a person losing their mind as they aged, not cheating. Now you could say some other people had to deal with cheating and they just didn't know, but it didn't end in divorce and they were happily married all the way often till 80 or 90, so if it was cheating, it was short lived. This is entirely off-topic though whether or not to tell the children. It's just this one person who thinks every betrayed parent is trying to relive the moment over and over. Most are on pages like single and loving it and trying to get on with their lives.