Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

In this situation, I 100% agree.

She might lie to hurt you make sure you kick him out, especially if he has notified her.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how hurt you are. You’re way above her, she doesn’t deserve the attention.

[Anonymous]

(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Her entire life sounds like 100% fallout of whatever she’s doing with herself. I know that’s not consolation but it sounds like her life has no meaning and she’s basically irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Her entire life sounds like 100% fallout of whatever she’s doing with herself. I know that’s not consolation but it sounds like her life has no meaning and she’s basically irrelevant.

Considering the way your DH met her, it's highly unlikely he's the only married/partnered guy she's hooked up with after work. There are some women whose self-worth centers largely on feeling more desirable than all other women (think of the evil step-mother in snow white, it's a trope for a reason). Collateral damage is irrelevant in the face of maintaining their ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Omg. That bugged me the most. But the OW was married with kids the same age and her spouse was clueless. Her life hadn’t changed. I couldn’t sleep or eat and at 3am I would think “that b””&tch is sleeping like a log right now”. My spouse went no contact before I found. He had already dumped her but I found out after. He had deleted any means for contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Omg. That bugged me the most. But the OW was married with kids the same age and her spouse was clueless. Her life hadn’t changed. I couldn’t sleep or eat and at 3am I would think “that b””&tch is sleeping like a log right now”. My spouse went no contact before I found. He had already dumped her but I found out after. He had deleted any means for contact.

At least he ended it of his own volition! How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This guy is a big manipulator, I find it strange that he’s making all these promises in case you divorce, he’s making divorce look like a good deal to you, it sounds like that’s what he wants, or he’s using reverse psychology.

I don’t think I could live with the fact that he said no to hanging out with you to spend time with her, he made that choice over and over again. I would divorce just because of that.

+1
He is a complete manipulator trying to reel you back in. He’s starting with the narrative to get it in your head that it was one mistake. It was not one thing. It was many and over an extended period of time. He also would not have stopped (assuming he did) unless you had found out. He sounds controlling and manipulative. I’d ask him to go to therapy only to buy time to get your ducks in a row. It’s also irrelevant what he’s offering now, remembering he has been living a lie for years. You think a switch turned and now he’s honest?

This. Having BTDT, couples counseling with someone who lies is a complete waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Her entire life sounds like 100% fallout of whatever she’s doing with herself. I know that’s not consolation but it sounds like her life has no meaning and she’s basically irrelevant.

Considering the way your DH met her, it's highly unlikely he's the only married/partnered guy she's hooked up with after work. There are some women whose self-worth centers largely on feeling more desirable than all other women (think of the evil step-mother in snow white, it's a trope for a reason). Collateral damage is irrelevant in the face of maintaining their ego.

Maybe we should spend less time speculating on what specific kind of loser the OW is and focus on the fact that OP's husband lied to the mother of his children every day for three years. If it's highly unlikely that OP's husband is the only partnered guy she hooked up with, then it's just as highly likely that OP's husband has hooked up with other women. I get the anger, but women do this too often, and they do it at their own peril, because they aren't focusing on the person with whom they're in a relationship. And then they forgive, because "if only for that ho/loser, he wouldn't have cheated", and then of course the husband does it again. Men KNOW that women do this, and they rely on it. Of course they're going to do everything they can do bolster their wives' thinking that the OW is a sad sack or a predator. The same way they tell the OWs that their wife is a boring nag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(op)

I know you all are right. It's just burning away at me that she even exists and has no fall out from this.

I'm fully aware this is misplaced anger, but still hurts.

Omg. That bugged me the most. But the OW was married with kids the same age and her spouse was clueless. Her life hadn’t changed. I couldn’t sleep or eat and at 3am I would think “that b””&tch is sleeping like a log right now”. My spouse went no contact before I found. He had already dumped her but I found out after. He had deleted any means for contact.

At least he ended it of his own volition! How did you find out?

Just something didn’t add up and I asked a simple question about it and he unloaded. He probably could have continued the lie, but I think he was finally ready to be rid of it. He started therapy on his own 3 months before he cut contact with her/ended it and I think was ready to just come clean and really work on himself and be the kind of person that aligned with his values. Midlife hit him hard and he has leftover issues from his traumatic childhood. Our kids were the same age he was when he went through it all as a kid. He was capable of decades of monogamy. It was almost year 20 of marriage and 22 of being together. He did everything right after and then some and continues to daily. He just seems so much more comfortable with himself now and we have so much better communication now. The first year is rough and it gets easier with each passing month. He went out and booked a vasectomy, offered to sign a post-nup and help me feel better by full transparency and checking in, etc. We both WAH now which has been great and he no longer travels at all for work.

I never thought it would happen to me and certainly anyone who knew him would not think he would do anything like it.

You are in the trenches right now, but life won’t always be this way. You will have joy again. Again, I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

2019 poster here. I also really hate the OW and her husband who encouraged it and knew I did not know, It did not distract me from focusing on what my dh had done. They are both bad. My husband changed and I suspect she did not. One thing that bothers me is that she has a public job thatpurports to care about children. Well, that is, children in the abstract, and women in the abstract. Not me or my kids. Cold.
Try to keep in mind that you do not want to have what an OW has in terms of daddy issues, lack of integrity, lack of self esteem, etc. getting off on the pain of others. Very sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

Here's the thing. You will not get the truth and she may actually lie to you to make things sound worse because she is in love with your husband. And she only knows her true feelings, nobody knows what his true feelings were and how much he was just playing the fantasy and saying things to keep the communication going (very likely).

The only time I would suggest differently is if she was married too. You have leverage in that situation and she would be scared of her secret getting out/back to her husband, family, employer, etc--but I'd only do that if you blindsided her and got to her first before she had any idea--and also when you have his version so you can compare the two. Also, the fear factor of if you come anywhere me or my family type thing--don't have to threaten but imply--you will blow up her life.

But--this woman is in another country and sounds so loonish I wouldn't contact her..unless you know yourself and you can't move on without doing so. But, not now when your emotions are so high.

just my 2 cents.

You absolutely will not get the truth. In my situation, I did not contact OW but she contacted me. I didn’t respond and she wouldn’t stop harassing me. She lied badly in order to try and hurt me further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2019 poster here. I also really hate the OW and her husband who encouraged it and knew I did not know, It did not distract me from focusing on what my dh had done. They are both bad. My husband changed and I suspect she did not. One thing that bothers me is that she has a public job thatpurports to care about children. Well, that is, children in the abstract, and women in the abstract. Not me or my kids. Cold.
Try to keep in mind that you do not want to have what an OW has in terms of daddy issues, lack of integrity, lack of self esteem, etc. getting off on the pain of others. Very sick.

Yeah. In my case, she is one of those pro-women type jobs and if the women there knew she made a habit out of banging married men (and possibly sons of theirs) they would be horrified. Shes married and purposely seeks sex with married men. She was cheating for years and had zero remorse. She wanted to blame everyone else for being a Ho- me, my husband, her husband, just really ugly on the inside—well too be honest the outside ain’t to pretty either. I’m guessing she definitely has borderline personality disorder. If you were banging someone else’s spouse, the only thing that should come out of your mouth if they confront you is “I’m so sorry”. Period. Nope. No apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

Here's the thing. You will not get the truth and she may actually lie to you to make things sound worse because she is in love with your husband. And she only knows her true feelings, nobody knows what his true feelings were and how much he was just playing the fantasy and saying things to keep the communication going (very likely).

The only time I would suggest differently is if she was married too. You have leverage in that situation and she would be scared of her secret getting out/back to her husband, family, employer, etc--but I'd only do that if you blindsided her and got to her first before she had any idea--and also when you have his version so you can compare the two. Also, the fear factor of if you come anywhere me or my family type thing--don't have to threaten but imply--you will blow up her life.

But--this woman is in another country and sounds so loonish I wouldn't contact her..unless you know yourself and you can't move on without doing so. But, not now when your emotions are so high.

just my 2 cents.

You absolutely will not get the truth. In my situation, I did not contact OW but she contacted me. I didn’t respond and she wouldn’t stop harassing me. She lied badly in order to try and hurt me further.

I’m so sorry. But, yes, my therapist said they will seek to hurt you further and tell more lies just to make you hurt more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

Here's the thing. You will not get the truth and she may actually lie to you to make things sound worse because she is in love with your husband. And she only knows her true feelings, nobody knows what his true feelings were and how much he was just playing the fantasy and saying things to keep the communication going (very likely).

The only time I would suggest differently is if she was married too. You have leverage in that situation and she would be scared of her secret getting out/back to her husband, family, employer, etc--but I'd only do that if you blindsided her and got to her first before she had any idea--and also when you have his version so you can compare the two. Also, the fear factor of if you come anywhere me or my family type thing--don't have to threaten but imply--you will blow up her life.

But--this woman is in another country and sounds so loonish I wouldn't contact her..unless you know yourself and you can't move on without doing so. But, not now when your emotions are so high.

just my 2 cents.

You absolutely will not get the truth. In my situation, I did not contact OW but she contacted me. I didn’t respond and she wouldn’t stop harassing me. She lied badly in order to try and hurt me further.

So sorry. What a true psycho.

[Anonymous]

Best thing I heard from my therapist about OW is “good news is she never had children herself.”