Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just trying to be honest. Thinking someone may dig up this thread in the future and be able to find comfort in the fact that their crazy waves of emotions are normal for this situation.

I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm a huge go getter, morning person, love being outside, social butterfly. Above all I LOVE being a mom.

Yesterday I didn't get out of bed until 5 min before DH started work. Kids were home sick and I feel like I was visibly annoyed/sad around them all day or zoning out into LA LA land. I've been going to bed at 7:30pm straight away from putting the kids to bed. They're up now having breakfast with DH and I'm trying to will myself out of bed.

I havent left the house since we got home, haven't gone outside, and if I'm being completely transparent I've lost 14lbs in 9 days.

Goals:
-eat today
-make plans with my best friend for this weekend and then I will have an opportunity to tell her if it feels right.
-respond to all the mundane texts/emails/calls from people in my life that I've been ignoring for weeks (vacation then this situation). Several have even followed up multiple times.
-Leave the house even for a walk or sit in the yard

You sound incredibly dramatic.

Op here and I whole heartedly agree. Never in a million years did I think I'd feel like this. I'm a very even keeled, practical, get sh*t done kind of person (I thought?).

No, the drama was imposed on you. You are being incredibly level headed while coping with shock and grief and trying to care for sick children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

My response to this would be to thank him for his awareness of all that he has put in jeopardy regarding finances, life, the kids, etc. and to suggest that everything he has mentioned should be put in writing in a written post nuptial agreement.

A signed post-nuptial agreement favorable to me and the kids would be a non-negotiable prerequisite to my staying and/or having any kind if ongoing sexual relationship. Staying with someone who lied is a huge risk moving forward, and you should be legally protected if you take that risk and it goes bad.

Also, be VERY careful about his expectations in case of future divorce, in the sense that you do not want him to put you in the position of having a settlement that precludes you from working enough to maintain your own career at a high enough level that you are not economically dependent on him. moving forward.

+100 and a vasectomy if you are certain you are done having kids. Only individual therapy for now. Both of you. Couples therapy is for a long ways down the road.

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart hurts for you. I haven’t BTDT and defer to those who have, but re: starting couples therapy - could you do a session or two and then decide whether you want to continue or put on hold for now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my heart hurts for you. I haven’t BTDT and defer to those who have, but re: starting couples therapy - could you do a session or two and then decide whether you want to continue or put on hold for now?

I wouldn't. It's too confusing. I would need to process things on my own and not be in a 'repair', etc mode or want to be in there. I think the cheater really needs to dig deep into their whys and work on the lying, the reasons, the exercises to change alone. This wasn't a marriage problem. This was a 'cheater problem'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t experienced what you are going through but I will say that as someone who has gone through an episode of depression, that was me. Sleeping as much as I could, lack of appetite, lack of focused thinking. You are going to need to confide in someone to relieve this burden. I understand the advice to avoid talking to friends who may need to be open to DH if you stay together, but if not a friend, then you need to unburden yourself to a therapist instead. You can’t keep all of this to yourself, and you need someone to monitor you over time to ensure that you don’t transition from an understandable grief period to something more long lasting like depression. Your list of to-do’s sounds good. I would add regular exercise with sunlight and fresh air, and interaction with animals such as a pet if you have that option. Get your body moving - listen to an audiobook and go for a hike, for example. Give yourself the self care you deserve right now.

Another PP who has dealt with depression and who was seriously affected by Covid isolation/working full time while zoom-schooling. I completely agree. This is trauma talking. You need to focus on you right now-- don't worry about responding to obligations unless you need to (time sensitive logistics). Can you take an afternoon/evening to zone out with mindless movie? Or take a bath? An edible so you can sleep and eat? This is big. Please don't ignore the physical symptoms.

It sounds like you have A LOT on your plate-- never mind the big revelation/trauma. Reach out to a friend and therapist right now. Can you for a long walk with a friend so you get some fresh air/sunshine this weekend? Please tell your DH that you need him to step up now. Can you delegate any of the tasks/mental load? If he's as committed as he is told you about righting the ship, he'll step up.

This sounds like hell. You can/will get through this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

Do not let DH substitute couples therapy for individual therapy. In fact, I’m not sure couples therapy is really appropriate until he’s (and you) have had a good deal of individual therapy. The problem isn’t your marriage or relationship, which isn’t to say that there are no problems in your relationship but rather that the fundamental problem is how he chose to respond to what he was feeling and thinking.

Also, beware - the couples therapist feels a responsibility to the relationship and feels successful when the relationship is maintained and not necessarily to what is in YOUR best interest.

Thanks for this.

DH is definitely getting into individual counseling. He has intro calls with therapists tonight, Monday, and Wednesday. The one on Wednesday was a specific recommendation from my long term therapist (who I started with the year before I met DH) for him. The guy's background and clinical interests sound dead on for DH so hopefully that one is a good match.

I did also ask my therapist about starting MC concurrently with DH starting IC and she said that it can't hurt. I am thinking this over though as several people now have mentioned waiting. However, I have this overwhelming feeling that I cannot just sit in limbo. I can't even look at him. I cannot live my day to day in this state for years.

But, IME, MC can hurt when the cheater isn’t mentally prepared to really be honest and explain what he was doing/thinking. On the surface, my DH appeared to be honest and willing to do therapy, but as the days and weeks and months passed, it became clear to me that what he presented and what was real we’re 2 different things.

My experience was that we did marriage and individual counseling concurrently and it was bad for both of us. My Individual sessions became all about preparing for MC sessions and what I want to say or get out of it, whereas my individual sessions should have been much more me taking this (horrible) opportunity to look at my life and ask myself what I really wanted in terms of my life, my relationship with my kids, my career and my needs from an intimate partner. Only then would *I* have been able to participate in an empowered way in MC. Similarly for my Ex, I made it clear to him from the get-go that he needed to be completely transparent with me and divulge all lies now upfront. He was emotionally incapable of doing that - ever, maybe, but certainly not without a significant amount of therapy first. So, instead, he lied to me, he lied to his therapist, and he created an even bigger mess.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing PP. I'm so sorry you went through this mess too.

At what point do you think you would have been ready for MC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my heart hurts for you. I haven’t BTDT and defer to those who have, but re: starting couples therapy - could you do a session or two and then decide whether you want to continue or put on hold for now?

DP - you can always do that, yes. Initial sessions are very much about establishing the therapeutic alliance (your goals) and seeing whether the therapist is a good fit, anyway. Don’t stick with the first couples (or any) therapist you see if that person isn’t going to work for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for how you are feeling, but please remember that you cannot rush this. You have to go through these different stages and it will take time. BUT - you will not feel as you do today for years, either, no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy is a big manipulator, I find it strange that he’s making all these promises in case you divorce, he’s making divorce look like a good deal to you, it sounds like that’s what he wants, or he’s using reverse psychology.

I don’t think I could live with the fact that he said no to hanging out with you to spend time with her, he made that choice over and over again. I would divorce just because of that.

+1
He is a complete manipulator trying to reel you back in. He’s starting with the narrative to get it in your head that it was one mistake. It was not one thing. It was many and over an extended period of time. He also would not have stopped (assuming he did) unless you had found out. He sounds controlling and manipulative. I’d ask him to go to therapy only to buy time to get your ducks in a row. It’s also irrelevant what he’s offering now, remembering he has been living a lie for years. You think a switch turned and now he’s honest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

I'm not OP, but I'm just curious what people who BTDT think about this. Can anything good come of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

Here's the thing. You will not get the truth and she may actually lie to you to make things sound worse because she is in love with your husband. And she only knows her true feelings, nobody knows what his true feelings were and how much he was just playing the fantasy and saying things to keep the communication going (very likely).

The only time I would suggest differently is if she was married too. You have leverage in that situation and she would be scared of her secret getting out/back to her husband, family, employer, etc--but I'd only do that if you blindsided her and got to her first before she had any idea--and also when you have his version so you can compare the two. Also, the fear factor of if you come anywhere me or my family type thing--don't have to threaten but imply--you will blow up her life.

But--this woman is in another country and sounds so loonish I wouldn't contact her..unless you know yourself and you can't move on without doing so. But, not now when your emotions are so high.

just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want an opportunity to talk to the OW so so badly.

What do you want to say/ask? Just writing that out and perhaps exploring it in therapy may give you some peace.

From how you've described her, I don't see how anything good would actually come out of it. What's the point?

In this situation, I 100% agree.