Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. [b]TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you.[/b] And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.[/quote]

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.[/quote]

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did explained to him multiple times what I needed to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years. [/quote]

I'm the BW that vilified guy was replying to.

What this thread sounds like to me is both sides firmly entrenched in their camps, unwilling to swallow their egos to walk to the middle. And yeah, I get it. And I relate to the sex issues too. On DDay my husband brought up less sex as a "reason" for his affair, but the truth is that I had carefully kept our sex life at historic levels despite losing my libido when I started on an SSRI for postpartum anxiety. He felt rejected by my obvious lack of interest. I felt like I was doing my darned best and it was a super slap in the face to suffer all my issues and then have him use them as his "excuse."

What I've learned coming out the other end of all of this many years and much therapy and self-work later, is that this whole power struggle represents a transactional relationship. A tit for tat. And what I want to have is a transformational relationship. It's hard to hold space for your spouse to have feelings that FEEL like rejection (she's not into sex) or criticism (you don't sleep with me enough). But if you can get control of your ego and look at everything as an "us" issue . . . our sex life tapering off is an "us" issue . . . your suddenly feeling alive because a coworker flirted with you is an "us" issue . . . then you can hopefully avoid these very common pitfalls.

I see the BW and the WH on here very firm in proving their own reasonableness and justification. But I think when you sit with yourself and trust yourself deeply, you don't need to prove to anyone, especially not strangers on the internet, whether or not you were trying your hardest. That's the agreement of marriage . . . that we will both try our hardest and that we will give the benefit of the doubt that the other person is too. That we won't internalize times when our spouse is struggling or putting less in because we will hold onto the hope and belief that they just need patience right now, like we sometimes do too. It's choosing to remain an "us" instead of two people keeping score. Once the score keeping begins and the resentment builds, it's really really hard to undo it. I see people on this thread saying maybe if their husband did more housework or their wife upped their sex life, they would have let go of the resentment, but honestly I don't think it's that easy. That's just a convenient way to distill the issue down to something that's (supposedly) not your fault. Once the door has closed on "us" and we're two individuals in our camps, it's really hard to be vulnerable again.

But not impossible, if you're both willing to do the work. You CAN grieve and work through your legitimate sorrow over your spouse's actions while also holding space for them to be humans who are hurting and struggling too. If you're two people who like and love one another (or at least, the elements are there if you can get through this storm) then I do think it can be done, but it's not easy.

Anyway, I still say that children don't NEED to know that there was adultery behind a divorce. Children should be taught that we're autonomous people who have a right to exit relationships when we choose to. It super duper sucks to be the betrayed spouse, and feeling like you have to "cover" for your spouse's infidelity when everyone is shocked by your divorce is adding insult to injury, for sure. But ideally you can get support for those feelings from other adults and your therapist and not pass them along to your children. If you weren't telling your kids about your sex life before the divorce, then why start now?[/quote]

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