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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
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Anonymous
+1. Every time you go tot he grocery store, you buy a gift card and put that way for later. Just in case. If you decide to stay and work on your marriage, you obviously can still use that money. |
Anonymous
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I am three years out frok DDay (2019 poster) and think your dh has done his reading and is trying to communicate he is all in to making your life good and the kids no matter what. Now the next step is whether he can come clean with everything and figure out why he did what he did.
As for kids, I would try to not let them know unless you separate. Our kids were teens at discovery. They could tell something changed but we keep our marriage to ourselves and not share with them. At one point one of them came to us and said they could tell something was going on but they trusted us to work it out and tell them if there was anything they needed to know. That was a good feeling. Infidelity tends to run in families but I am hopeful that maybe if they do not know, and now see the changes in dh three plus years later, we will have broken that cycle. Hugs. It is all about actions. I was in pain (still am sometimes) every day for a long time and he had to bear all of it with me. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Just trying to be honest. Thinking someone may dig up this thread in the future and be able to find comfort in the fact that their crazy waves of emotions are normal for this situation.
I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm a huge go getter, morning person, love being outside, social butterfly. Above all I LOVE being a mom. Yesterday I didn't get out of bed until 5 min before DH started work. Kids were home sick and I feel like I was visibly annoyed/sad around them all day or zoning out into LA LA land. I've been going to bed at 7:30pm straight away from putting the kids to bed. They're up now having breakfast with DH and I'm trying to will myself out of bed. I havent left the house since we got home, haven't gone outside, and if I'm being completely transparent I've lost 14lbs in 9 days. Goals: -eat today -make plans with my best friend for this weekend and then I will have an opportunity to tell her if it feels right. -respond to all the mundane texts/emails/calls from people in my life that I've been ignoring for weeks (vacation then this situation). Several have even followed up multiple times. -Leave the house even for a walk or sit in the yard |
Anonymous
OP- I became a hermit for a long time after which is not me at all. I wear my emotions on my face. I didn’t want to run into anyone and have to make small talk when I know they would all ask me what is wrong. It’s also some depression at play from the grief and trauma. For me, discovery was right at the start of Covid so as awful as it was to go through that during a pandemic, it provided cover and privacy and a reason for my withdraw. We didn’t have to have people wonder why we would decline invitations, parties, etc since the world stopped. I often thought how I would have gotten through it in “real times”. Working from home was a blessing. I think in a lot of ways I’ve changed, but I am now seeing glimpses of my old self and the extrovert is starting to emerge again. Easy small talk, jokes and laughs are back. For me it doubly sucked because I had just gotten back to myself from the grief of losing a beloved parent, truly my biggest friend and unconditional support-so to then be thrust into this after a couple of years of grief from that was compounded. Yiu are going to have brain fog for awhile. All of the cortisol and stress responses and emotion make you very tired. My work definitely suffered during that time. I wish the best and am thinking of you. It’s so true how one cannot imagine what this is like unless they lived through it. It certainly isn’t what I imagined. Marilee Feinberg has been in the news because of her husband’s public affair with Amy Robach and I know the horror now. It really is a club, betrayed spouses. |
Anonymous
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Thank you, PP. I am so anxious how to handle so many things coming up.
-I'm hosting a suprise 70th for my dad next weekend. People are flying in for it and dhs family all rsvped yes as well. -DHs grandmas services are the following week. His entire extended family is coming in. - we have a wedding in early March for a childhood friend of mine and the rsvp is due soon. I'm so lost. |
Anonymous
| OP, I haven’t experienced what you are going through but I will say that as someone who has gone through an episode of depression, that was me. Sleeping as much as I could, lack of appetite, lack of focused thinking. You are going to need to confide in someone to relieve this burden. I understand the advice to avoid talking to friends who may need to be open to DH if you stay together, but if not a friend, then you need to unburden yourself to a therapist instead. You can’t keep all of this to yourself, and you need someone to monitor you over time to ensure that you don’t transition from an understandable grief period to something more long lasting like depression. Your list of to-do’s sounds good. I would add regular exercise with sunlight and fresh air, and interaction with animals such as a pet if you have that option. Get your body moving - listen to an audiobook and go for a hike, for example. Give yourself the self care you deserve right now. |
Anonymous
Op here and I whole heartedly agree. Never in a million years did I think I'd feel like this. I'm a very even keeled, practical, get sh*t done kind of person (I thought?). |
Anonymous
It’s ok to love your in laws even if their son betrayed you. These are your kids’ grandparents, and your dad is probably close to them. Attending these family events is not saying what your husband did to you is ok, and it isn’t a signal that you are staying with him. Right now you are going through the motions, and that’s expected and normal. Take your time. |
Anonymous
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Op a temporary course of anti depressants might help. It helped me when I found something similar (6 weeks postpartum too). No physical affair but lots of texting and longing over an exz We are 11 years out and I don’t think of it anymore. But our marriage was tough in a number of ways first 4 years or so and there were other reasons we almost split . My husband is a very different man now but he has to come very close to losing me and facing a second divorce to do the work. Point is, the antidepressants helped with daily functioning. Think I was only in them about 6 months.
Hugs. |
Anonymous
OP, re: these events -- I hope some here who have BTDT will advise. My first thought is: For the early March wedding, if doable, I'd tell DH (tell, not ask) he was going to stay home with the kids while I went solo. You and he can just tell people that, having come back fairly recently from international travel blah blah, plus kids were sick, etc., you're going to hit the wedding and he'll keep things mellow for the kids at home. Yeah, I know, it will have been six weeks since the trip but I'd just smile and say this. Doesn't matter if it's local or farther away. But that's just what I'd do in your shoes. Only you know -- we don't -- whether you feel you should just not go at all (how close are you to the couple?), or whether going solo would only make you feel worse if every person there is coupled up, or if going solo would actually feel like a positive thing, an outing just for you. Depends a LOT on whether you'd get constant questions about "Oh, X couldn't make it? Is he sick?" or whatever. With the party and the services -- you mention people "coming in." Are there family members staying at your house for these events?! That's going to be tough and I hope it's not the case. Maybe the folks on this thread can advise about that. I'd find it difficult to have guests of any kind but especially guests who are family members and who have known you both forever. It's lower than I'd usually want to stoop but I'd probably say there was a plumbing issue at the house and, guess what, tell DH to pony up, without question or comment, for a hotel for whatever guests we were supposed to have. But this is a tough one and worth asking here, what would others do? I don't like to advocate lying. But I also don't think anyone should have to play host when dealing with emotional issues like the ones you're dealing with. You can put on a smile for the events but it's too much to ask, for you to host guests as well. If no one is staying with you for those events (whew?), but if you have roles in making them happen, please, OP--delegate, enlist, ASK, do whatever you must to get others to help even if they're helping already. You're barely getting out of bed right now, and with these events only one to two weeks away, you may still not be ready to go-go-go for two such big occasions. No one who cares about you and about your dad or DH's grandmother should get bent out of shape or even overly curious if you simply say that you aren't feeling well since the trip and need specific help. Whatever happens with these events, I truly hope that you get through each day and each step. Many strangers out here are thinking of you. |
Anonymous
| Thanks PP. no one is staying at our house thankfully. I'm hosting a 75 person party at a venue. |
Anonymous
Do not let DH substitute couples therapy for individual therapy. In fact, I’m not sure couples therapy is really appropriate until he’s (and you) have had a good deal of individual therapy. The problem isn’t your marriage or relationship, which isn’t to say that there are no problems in your relationship but rather that the fundamental problem is how he chose to respond to what he was feeling and thinking. Also, beware - the couples therapist feels a responsibility to the relationship and feels successful when the relationship is maintained and not necessarily to what is in YOUR best interest. |
Anonymous
| OP, I can't advise on the larger issues, but smoothies can help you get some calories in even if you still can't really eat much. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
My response to this would be to thank him for his awareness of all that he has put in jeopardy regarding finances, life, the kids, etc. and to suggest that everything he has mentioned should be put in writing in a written post nuptial agreement. A signed post-nuptial agreement favorable to me and the kids would be a non-negotiable prerequisite to my staying and/or having any kind if ongoing sexual relationship. Staying with someone who lied is a huge risk moving forward, and you should be legally protected if you take that risk and it goes bad. Also, be VERY careful about his expectations in case of future divorce, in the sense that you do not want him to put you in the position of having a settlement that precludes you from working enough to maintain your own career at a high enough level that you are not economically dependent on him. moving forward. |
Anonymous
Thanks for this. DH is definitely getting into individual counseling. He has intro calls with therapists tonight, Monday, and Wednesday. The one on Wednesday was a specific recommendation from my long term therapist (who I started with the year before I met DH) for him. The guy's background and clinical interests sound dead on for DH so hopefully that one is a good match. I did also ask my therapist about starting MC concurrently with DH starting IC and she said that it can't hurt. I am thinking this over though as several people now have mentioned waiting. However, I have this overwhelming feeling that I cannot just sit in limbo. I can't even look at him. I cannot live my day to day in this state for years. |