Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

He needs to get his consolation hugs elsewhere. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

Agreed — acting like this is “one” big mistake is totally minimizing the situation. And there is no way I would do couples counseling until he did 3-6 months of individual therapy. He is the one with major issues to work on first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

Agreed — acting like this is “one” big mistake is totally minimizing the situation. And there is no way I would do couples counseling until he did 3-6 months of individual therapy. He is the one with major issues to work on first.

Same poster. Let me add I’m not one of those that thinks you should divorce immediately. You might have a shot at working this out. But not if he thinks he made ONE mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

Agreed — acting like this is “one” big mistake is totally minimizing the situation. And there is no way I would do couples counseling until he did 3-6 months of individual therapy. He is the one with major issues to work on first.

Same poster. Let me add I’m not one of those that thinks you should divorce immediately. You might have a shot at working this out. But not if he thinks he made ONE mistake.

I’m the PP you’re quoting, and agreed. Even if he can sort of grasp that it’s a big thing, he needs to realize that he made mistakes literally every single day for THREE YEARS while he hid this affair from the OP.

Yes to the individual therapy, a thousand times over. I just don’t know that people appreciate how much work the kind of therapy he needs to do is. This isn’t 12 weeks of CBT, it’s a hard, deep look at who he is and what brought him to this place, *and then* the work of change. We’re talking years, most likely. Can it be done, sure. But I also would completely understand the OP or anyone else in her situation not wanting to do that much work (in the form of couples therapy) with someone else. Yes, divorce is hard. So is intensive couples therapy and staying married to someone who cheated for three years.

[Anonymous]

This guy is a big manipulator, I find it strange that he’s making all these promises in case you divorce, he’s making divorce look like a good deal to you, it sounds like that’s what he wants, or he’s using reverse psychology.

I don’t think I could live with the fact that he said no to hanging out with you to spend time with her, he made that choice over and over again. I would divorce just because of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

I would not believe, and that he is trying to make this promise is either delusional/manipulative. Unless he were to put this in writing, notarized, through a lawyer, I would take this with a grain of salt. However, you know him and we don't. I am sure there is some truth to his intentions. It's great that he is willing to do anything to work on your marriage, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

As someone who also has 6 best friends of more than 20 years, you might want to consider which one is the least judgmental and can take a secret to the grace. That person might be worth confiding in. One woman in my group’s husband cheated years ago. As far as I know, I’m the only one in the group that knows. I have never, ever told another member of the group. For all I know, she may have told all 6 of us, but none of us have discussed it. This was over 15 years ago and not a peep about it. And really, I would trust any of them if I asked them not to confide in the others. Your group may be different but it is worth considering.

Thanks, this is helpful to hear. Is your friend still with her husband who cheated? My top choice best friend to tell is really, really deep in the throws of infertility right now and I just don't know if I want to drop my issues on her/I don't think she has much emotional support to lend at the moment (understandably). May tell my second choice, but not sure yet.

Hey OP, as someone who dealt with infertility I would have loved to be the trusted sounding board for a friend’s marriage issue. It would have been nice to focus on someone else and their issues.

[Anonymous]

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

I'm going to disagree with some of this. Yes, your DH made many, many terrible choices. He seems to have done some reading before he talked to you today - the things he is suggesting are textbook for a truly remorseful spouse. I think, if you want to, you could build back from this. Of course, you need to keep watching his actions and not just listening to his words. And you need to communicate what you need. The hug is more than understandable, it's the kind of thing that is common. Hysterical bonding after discovery is very normal, and this does not begin to touch that. Needing to re-establish some intimacy is part of the healing process. I do agree that he should do some individual therapy before you begin couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts. [/quote]

Op I’m so sorry. I’ve been following along and thinking of you so much. I see some folks are saying this sounds manipulative and I just wanted to share my perspective because one thing about this site is you just don’t know the bias of the person behind the screen. My biases are, your marriage when you described it really reminds me of my own marriage in many, many ways(also met young, both parents and families nearby and get along, and all the descriptions you gave I relate to).

And I also had a dear friend whose husband cheated in multiple very awful ways, who I have supported as she built her marriage back up and they truly seem (and by her what I think are honest reports) far stronger than before with a very happy life. They too met in their teens. Yes it was hard for me at first with her husband but once she made the choice to stay, personally I was all in because in my mind that was how I support my friend. If she knows this is best for her, and she believes in him I trust her and I will do the same. It’s taken time, but I believe he’s done the work and that it’s frankly not my job to decide that, it’s hers and as her friend i support her. I truly do not think differently of him anymore. I see him as someone who was deeply hurting and who has pulled himself out of that hole and done right by my friend now, thank god. Just sharing since I know you’re trying to figure that piece out. Not all of our friends had as easy of a time with it so being very careful is right. But some friends really can be supportive and not judge your spouse forever if you decide to stay.

Anyway those are the things potentially tainting my view, but my reaction reading this was not of manipulation, I imagined my husband in this scenario and I can picture it slightly because my husband has been dishonest in other very hurtful ways, not the same, but he too has an area that he struggles with and has not been honest. Anyway this is barely making sense now, what I’m trying to say is to ME it sounded like a man who deeply loves his wife and is also very flawed, and is desperate to try to communicate to you that his deep love for you was not an act, that he wasn’t pretending despite this insane lack of judgement and huge HUGE discretion. I am not trying to minimize, just to say that it’s very possible this is genuine.

I wish you peace in the future. It sounds like there is so much in this marriage to fight for, but of course only you can decide what you can live with and I understand this is feeling against your core values. This is so incredibly hard and impossible. You are doing an amazing job getting up every day, taking this slowly, and giving yourself a chance to process and walk through potential scenarios in your head.I agree with others that the impact of divorce over the course of a lifetime for kids and the entire family system can not be understated. Taking out the impact on kids, even if dating is “easy”, having a blended family truly is not. It is usually very hard. Sometimes not harder than being married to certain people. But I guess I would just say I have hope for you and that your marriage may have a chance. Watching my friend rebuild has been awe inspiring, truly. I am so amazed by her strength, her ability to be strong while also remaining open to her husband healing the relationship. Watching her made me really understand that staying is not weakness, it is strength in so many ways. Leaving can also be strength, it just depends on which is best given the situation. Sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

He’s human. He loves you. He made a horrible series of choices. Let’s see if he wakes up. Only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Therapy seems like a logical starting point.

Even if only to console your children and yourself that you tried to salvage things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

I'm going to disagree with some of this. Yes, your DH made many, many terrible choices. He seems to have done some reading before he talked to you today - the things he is suggesting are textbook for a truly remorseful spouse. I think, if you want to, you could build back from this. Of course, you need to keep watching his actions and not just listening to his words. And you need to communicate what you need. The hug is more than understandable, it's the kind of thing that is common. Hysterical bonding after discovery is very normal, and this does not begin to touch that. Needing to re-establish some intimacy is part of the healing process. I do agree that he should do some individual therapy before you begin couples therapy.

OP- my husband was textbook like yours- in actions and words. He continued to walk the talk month after month after month and the love and concern and pain seeing my pain was palpable. I went through an insanely angry phase too hurling awful words (and object or two) and he did not react he let it keep coming and provided space, patience and support for all kinds of emotions. He showed he was going to ride the waves and help with the trauma inflicted on me while working on his own trauma which allowed the affair in the first place and from the awful regret, shame and remorse of what he did to the person he loved the most in the world. Not once did he blame me or the marriage. He took 100% responsibility for the cheating. Based on what you wrote, I do not think he’s being manipulative. It sounds like he is heavily reading and researching how to help you through this.m

Hysterical bonding when you finally do let them touch you (and months after Sti results) is powerful. It’s like the early days and insatiable for a very long time. It very much helps to seal the bond again. We had an incredibly passionate, wildly chemical first few years when we met (weekends in bed, no time to eat, multiple times a day) and this was that times 100. I’m happy to say several years later it is marriage 2.0. It’s all the best parts and more after getting lost in raising kids. Very much looking forward to empty nest in a couple years and relishing we both WAH when kids are at school. Wink wink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s human. He loves you. He made a horrible series of choices. Let’s see if he wakes up. Only time will tell.

The signs so far are very good. Day by day. Let him continue to show it and earn trust over time. You don’t have to give an answer or make up you mind. Just keep taking it day to day and finding joy when you can.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP from before...30 year later advice. It sounds like he's willing to do the work and saying all the right things. Only time will tell if he's really going to support you as he's saying if you decide on divorce. My therapist wouldn't even consider working with us as a couple until we'd done individual therapy first, I'm sure this is typical and best. I remember thinking how awful it would be to have another woman having any input into how my girls were raised. This chick was and is terrible. We fake get along now and it's humorous actually. We have mutual grandkids bc of what happened. Be thankful OW lived far away. Anyway, that being said, it's something to keep in mind because this will be out of your control. There are plenty of couples who co-parent with their children's best interest in mind, but most have resentment which causes issues.
I wish you could see next month or year. Hugs from afar.

[Anonymous]

I just saw this and thought of you op, thought I’d share

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnSlQHJD2hN/?igshid=ZDFmNTE4Nzc=