Downsizing aging parent: 2 sibs who live close+1 who lives far=drama

[Anonymous]

Tell me, siblings who lived close to their aging parent who required downsizing help (and by "help" I don't mean assistance, I mean totally managing every aspect of a move because parent has completely given up any sense of ownership of their own life), what did you want or expect your sibling who lived farther away to do?

My mom is a mess and my sisters are angry that I'm not more involved in the downsizing process but I have no idea what more I can do because I haven't lived in our hometown for 25 years, a place where my sisters have adult-life contacts such as realtors and contractors, and I cannot absent myself from my family (a child with SN with a demanding therapy schedule, a baby, a spouse in a new, high-level job who cannot take leave during the probationary period). I have offered money and am paying for professional movers but I am getting nothing but grief from the middle sister who has been in a state of prolonged bitchiness for the past several years. The offer of money was accepted yet I cannot get basic questions such as how much the quote was and what it included from the sister in charge (actually her husband to whom she seems to be delegating a lot of work). I finally got the name of the company they hired and called them myself because I've been asking for details for a month and cannot get any information out of them. After I did that I was told that I had "pissed the movers off" after asking five minutes of basic questions and not to contact them again. WTF?

The move is tomorrow and I will be present for that and some unpacking--we're staying overnight. I'm dreading it so much. So much sister fighting, my mom, who is 74 and has been having health problems is in bad shape, and I'm on a short fuse myself due to the amount of work it takes to get us all down there, knowing how much of my time there will actually be spent keeping my kids out of trouble (so not really that productive but I'm making an appearance), and the fact that I really have no more bandwidth for caregiving because my one kid has used it all up. The middle sister has no kids and I'm trying really hard not to play that card but she has no idea what my life is really like. The youngest sister has two. I'm trying to take the attitude that nobody wants to handle this and that we are all very busy but I cannot get away. There's a lot of work to be done after the move such as fixing up the house for sale but I truly don't know what more I could do remotely.

[Anonymous]

You are in a tough situation.

I bet your sisters found you calling the movers and asking questions made more work for them rather than less. If your approach is truly hands off, write your sisters a check and let them deal with the movers henceforth. Ditto the repairs. You have money to offer? Say, here is x towards fixing up Mom's house. I am sorry I can't be more physically present. I am so grateful for everything you are doing.

Don't micromanage the local family who is dealing with all the moving parts of the situation in a way you just aren't and can't see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in a tough situation.

I bet your sisters found you calling the movers and asking questions made more work for them rather than less. If your approach is truly hands off, write your sisters a check and let them deal with the movers henceforth. Ditto the repairs. You have money to offer? Say, here is x towards fixing up Mom's house. I am sorry I can't be more physically present. I am so grateful for everything you are doing.

Don't micromanage the local family who is dealing with all the moving parts of the situation in a way you just aren't and can't see.

+1

[Anonymous]

After reading your post I'm sympathetic to your sisters. The reality is that everyone is busy, even people without kids, and you just have to make the time to be physically available and helpful. Go down on weekends and leave your kids at home with your husband or ask your husband's family to step in and help out with your nuclear family while you manage the move. What you shouldn't do is schlep your whole family to your mom's house and make more work for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp, arrange coverage for your family up here and go by yourself so you can focus entirely on the situation at hand. DH should be able to handle things for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in your exact situation (almost). Two years ago, I was the one out of town, I have 2 kids who are high-maintenance plus a FT job so had limited capacity to help. I had two siblings who lived nearby to my dad, one of whom has no children. The key difference is that we didn't have any tension among us. I did everything I could possibly do from afar, plus took a couple of weekend trips where I worked like a demon.

We've had other periods of sibling tension over parent stuff, but the move was a high point of cooperation. The key is doing what you can and appreciating what they are doing. You can't offer to pay for stuff and then micromanage how your siblings use the money. Anyone is going to be offended by that.

If you have the resources, write the check and be magnanimous. If you don't, roll up your sleeves and carve out some time to be there. And don't take your kids. I understand the impulse, and we also have no other family to help with ours, but it was much much better for everyone for me to take a few days and actually be present for my parent and siblings. Your kids and husband will manage.

Fwiw I've since moved into another job where I manage a lot of people, and unfortunately I see a lot of cases where someone needs a few days to deal with an aging parent's issues. It's life, and people understand. You don't mention a job, so I'm guessing your constraints are the kids and the SN therapies. Those are real, but so is what's happening with your mother. Skipping a day or two of therapy is a reasonable accommodation to help with a once-in-a-lifetime change for your parent.

FYI, in terms of clearing out the house, we wound up hiring someone to help - the continuing care facility where my father was moving recommended an estate company (which sounds grander than it was) to come through and handle everything we couldn't take/give away. Stuff either went to a dumpster, to donation center, or to auction. They even brought in shredders on one of the final days! Their fees came out of the money made from anything they auctioned, which turned out to be more than we would have thought.

[Anonymous]

I too was one of the ones that lived far away. OP, the PP is right. Everyone is busy. You really aren't pulling your weight and you have a million excuses as to why it's ok. Thing is, there are many things you can manage from a distance, like arranging for the mover. And, regardless of your child situation, you can get babysitters or find some way to be a part of things. At this point, you may make things worse by trying to get more involved with the move, but once your parents make the move, there's no good reason why you can't do things like arrange grocery delivery, transportation to appointments and whatever else they need to successfully stay in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

So you're generally unwilling to take the time to do this stuff, but you begrudge your sister and her husband some compensation for making time to do their share and yours too? Yeah, I'm getting where their resentment of you is coming from.

OP, you're not there, and you don't seem interested in taking an active role in helping. You need to keep your mouth shut about how they're doing it and just be grateful they're letting you get away with not helping more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

If money is an issue for them and they have the time, paying them is a great way to handle it. Also, again, if money is an issue and your mother has enough to spend on an addition to their house it can be a great plan. They are in situ day in and day out - you are not. It can take its toll fast especially if money it tight.

[Anonymous]

OP, your childless sister doesn't owe more to the family than you do simply because you are in the privileged position of having a husband and children.

At the very least, I'd expect you to be there for the move and not make it all about you. So that means no kids while you're at the house working. If that means you need to hire a sitter to help your DH so be it.

You really don't seem to have any idea day in/day out how much work goes into elder care. Take your experience as a mom of an SN child and replace your hope that he will get better with the certainty that he will not, that each day will be progressively worse until death. If your sisters are doing the heavy lifting day to day, express your gratitude, send money, and r strain from criticizing.

[Anonymous]

There are a few different things going on.
Piecing together your posts, you offered $$ for movers but made it clear you don't trust your BIL SIL with the money you gave and made a big deal out of pestering them for information and finally calling the movers yourself and taking your frustrations out on them (who are minimum wage workers, seriously?)
There is a LOT more than hiring movers to make this happen, you chose to zone in on this and blow it up since you were paying. Am i right ?
You are now planning on showing up, already saying you will just be making an appearance, with 2 children who will need your constant attention, knowing full well you will not be actually able to help. Naps, meals, activities for 2 kids in the middle of packing a house?
I guess I don't understand what you are thinking. In the kindest way possible, can you explain why you spent money and time on dragging 2 kids to a move?
It sounds like you are setting up road block after road block and then pouting about how you can't get down the road.
Here are some ideas for how you can help in the future:
If your sisters live in that town, ask them for babysitting referrals and hire someone to watch your kids. Your sister has 2 kids, who is watching hers and where? Offer to pay for 2 sitters so all the kids can be together.
Have you explained why your DH can't do this?
You haven't explained the ins and outs of your mothers new situation, but will she need lawn care, meals, help with shopping, laundry, prescriptions, rides to MD appts, maintenance.
Have you asked your sisters what she needs and then offer to take over finding and monitoring something?
One last thing. It seems like you realize that due to time and distance you can only offer $$, which may very well, however you then want to criticize and micromanage the people doing the work of managing the money.
You can't do that. You are basically giving money with strings attached when you can't/won't do the managing yourself.
That's not fair when you are very clear that you can't/won't do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think that a lot of people do not understand that special needs kids can't be left with just anyone. When your life consists of going to constant therapy appointments (which are expensive), it is not unusual to not have a regular babysitter. I get that, op. I also get that your dh is in a new job and he can't take off a few days in the middle of the week to schlep your kiddo to appointments and watch the baby. But maybe your sisters don't understand and you need to explain that to them -- again -- and apologize again for your absence. My dc is 14 and I am still explaining his issues and limitations to my MIL . And maybe you do need to shell out a little extra for their time (or a gift card to a restaurant if that is more palatable to you). Since you do have funds available, maybe you can offer to pay to have the house painted prior to listing (pay a painter directly) or pay for new carpeting. Or maybe you guys just have to sell the house "as is" if you don't have the time or energy to deal with fixing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a lot of people do not understand that special needs kids can't be left with just anyone. When your life consists of going to constant therapy appointments (which are expensive), it is not unusual to not have a regular babysitter. I get that, op. I also get that your dh is in a new job and he can't take off a few days in the middle of the week to schlep your kiddo to appointments and watch the baby. But maybe your sisters don't understand and you need to explain that to them -- again -- and apologize again for your absence. My dc is 14 and I am still explaining his issues and limitations to my MIL . And maybe you do need to shell out a little extra for their time (or a gift card to a restaurant if that is more palatable to you). Since you do have funds available, maybe you can offer to pay to have the house painted prior to listing (pay a painter directly) or pay for new carpeting. Or maybe you guys just have to sell the house "as is" if you don't have the time or energy to deal with fixing it up.

However, there is no need for the OP to bring her entire family for the move out weekend. Certainly her DH isn't "just anyone" and should be capable of taking care of his children while the OP is with her family. I speak from experience in both having SN children and having family obligations that take me out of town from time to time. We also do it have a built in support network locally or far away; we have had to develop it ourselves. As a parent of a special needs child it is imperative to have more than one adult capable of caring for a child.

[Anonymous]

If Op is being asked for money to help out then I think it's fine for Op to get the specifics on how that money is being spent. If her sisters are paying themselves a salary for handling this move that isn't necessarily a bad or inappropriate thing but it would be dishonest of them to not mention that to Op.