Reply to Downsizing aging parent: 2 sibs who live close+1 who lives far=drama

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I've been in your exact situation (almost). Two years ago, I was the one out of town, I have 2 kids who are high-maintenance plus a FT job so had limited capacity to help. I had two siblings who lived nearby to my dad, one of whom has no children. The key difference is that we didn't have any tension among us. I did everything I could possibly do from afar, plus took a couple of weekend trips where I worked like a demon.

We've had other periods of sibling tension over parent stuff, but the move was a high point of cooperation. The key is doing what you can and appreciating what they are doing. You can't offer to pay for stuff and then micromanage how your siblings use the money. Anyone is going to be offended by that.

If you have the resources, write the check and be magnanimous. If you don't, roll up your sleeves and carve out some time to be there. And don't take your kids. I understand the impulse, and we also have no other family to help with ours, but it was much much better for everyone for me to take a few days and actually be present for my parent and siblings. Your kids and husband will manage.

Fwiw I've since moved into another job where I manage a lot of people, and unfortunately I see a lot of cases where someone needs a few days to deal with an aging parent's issues. It's life, and people understand. You don't mention a job, so I'm guessing your constraints are the kids and the SN therapies. Those are real, but so is what's happening with your mother. Skipping a day or two of therapy is a reasonable accommodation to help with a once-in-a-lifetime change for your parent.

FYI, in terms of clearing out the house, we wound up hiring someone to help - the continuing care facility where my father was moving recommended an estate company (which sounds grander than it was) to come through and handle everything we couldn't take/give away. Stuff either went to a dumpster, to donation center, or to auction. They even brought in shredders on one of the final days! Their fees came out of the money made from anything they auctioned, which turned out to be more than we would have thought.[/quote]

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