Downsizing aging parent: 2 sibs who live close+1 who lives far=drama

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation but am the close by sibling. Thankfully my mother has the means to handle the financial aspects of downsizing and I am just needed for logistics and organization. I have no expectation that my brother will do anything to help but that is more due to his personality than anything else.

I agree with the PP's about writing the check and backing off. You aren't in a position to help aside from financially. If the moving quote was reasonable just pay it. The fact that your sister became aware very quickly that you had contacted the movers tells me that they (the movers) were upset by your call.

You need to be either all in or all out (aside from monetary help). Stop micromanaging from afar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation but am the close by sibling. Thankfully my mother has the means to handle the financial aspects of downsizing and I am just needed for logistics and organization. I have no expectation that my brother will do anything to help but that is more due to his personality than anything else.

I agree with the PP's about writing the check and backing off. You aren't in a position to help aside from financially. If the moving quote was reasonable just pay it. The fact that your sister became aware very quickly that you had contacted the movers tells me that they (the movers) were upset by your call.

You need to be either all in or all out (aside from monetary help). Stop micromanaging from afar.

Agreed.

And honestly, you can work out a caregiving support system and come help out for a few days. Not easy, but you could do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a lot of people do not understand that special needs kids can't be left with just anyone. When your life consists of going to constant therapy appointments (which are expensive), it is not unusual to not have a regular babysitter. I get that, op. I also get that your dh is in a new job and he can't take off a few days in the middle of the week to schlep your kiddo to appointments and watch the baby. But maybe your sisters don't understand and you need to explain that to them -- again -- and apologize again for your absence. My dc is 14 and I am still explaining his issues and limitations to my MIL . And maybe you do need to shell out a little extra for their time (or a gift card to a restaurant if that is more palatable to you). Since you do have funds available, maybe you can offer to pay to have the house painted prior to listing (pay a painter directly) or pay for new carpeting. Or maybe you guys just have to sell the house "as is" if you don't have the time or energy to deal with fixing it up.

So the husband takes off work a few days.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation this summer. One of my parents required life saving heart surgery, DH was overseas, my brother went AWOL and my other sibling my sister freaked out yelling at me to come down to our hometown to help manage my dad's surgery and my mother who was a basket case.

I sucked it up and rented a suite. in an extended stay hotel for a week. I had to bring my kids and my dog. I hired sitters and enrolled the children in camp. My father almost died in that surgery and was on life support for 4 days. I can't imagine if I hadn't been there to literally, physically hold my mother when they told her re the complications and to prepare for last rites.

Sometimes life is inconvenient, expensive and a pain. Just because you are out of town and have a complicated life doesn't mean you get a pass. Sorry. I would find a way not to take your kids. If yon need to take your kids find a sitter, a high school kid with a car to take them to a museum, the movies, a park, etc., anywhere, so you can 100% focus on the task at hand. The task isn't to show your sisters how hard your life is managing your kids (this isn't show and tell), does that make sense? If you are waiting for the other sisters to "get" how hard you already have it and say "OMG, your life is already so stressful, don't worry about it" you have the wrong attitude.

I often write checks to my parents and my sister re handling medical and other costs of my father's ongoing care. My sister goes from yelling at me to giving me praise. I need to grin in bear it, because in reality she is the one handling the day to day, everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that a lot of people do not understand that special needs kids can't be left with just anyone. When your life consists of going to constant therapy appointments (which are expensive), it is not unusual to not have a regular babysitter. I get that, op. I also get that your dh is in a new job and he can't take off a few days in the middle of the week to schlep your kiddo to appointments and watch the baby. But maybe your sisters don't understand and you need to explain that to them -- again -- and apologize again for your absence. My dc is 14 and I am still explaining his issues and limitations to my MIL . And maybe you do need to shell out a little extra for their time (or a gift card to a restaurant if that is more palatable to you). Since you do have funds available, maybe you can offer to pay to have the house painted prior to listing (pay a painter directly) or pay for new carpeting. Or maybe you guys just have to sell the house "as is" if you don't have the time or energy to deal with fixing it up.

Op said they have a SN child and a baby, parents who both work full time. Meaning that the children/child have been either in daycare, with a nanny or some sort of "non parent" caregiver, in addition to the progression to school and possibly aftercare if the SN child is older.

[Anonymous]

OP, whatever you do, in the event that one or more siblings is not trustworthy: make the money contingent upon limited items that are important to you. Also, be sure to write the checks directly to the movers and vendors. People without children rarely recognize the lack of selfishness involved. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that a lot of people do not understand that special needs kids can't be left with just anyone. When your life consists of going to constant therapy appointments (which are expensive), it is not unusual to not have a regular babysitter. I get that, op. I also get that your dh is in a new job and he can't take off a few days in the middle of the week to schlep your kiddo to appointments and watch the baby. But maybe your sisters don't understand and you need to explain that to them -- again -- and apologize again for your absence. My dc is 14 and I am still explaining his issues and limitations to my MIL . And maybe you do need to shell out a little extra for their time (or a gift card to a restaurant if that is more palatable to you). Since you do have funds available, maybe you can offer to pay to have the house painted prior to listing (pay a painter directly) or pay for new carpeting. Or maybe you guys just have to sell the house "as is" if you don't have the time or energy to deal with fixing it up.

Op said they have a SN child and a baby, parents who both work full time. Meaning that the children/child have been either in daycare, with a nanny or some sort of "non parent" caregiver, in addition to the progression to school and possibly aftercare if the SN child is older.

OP didn't say 2 FT working parents - she said her husband's job is long hours and he can't take leave now. So perhaps she's a FT caregiver to her SN child, but probably the child is in some kind of educational program at least a few hours of the day.

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. One of the best was this, from a PP:

Sometimes life is inconvenient, expensive and a pain. Just because you are out of town and have a complicated life doesn't mean you get a pass. Sorry.

I'm the PP who has BTDT with siblings and a parent, and I have to tell you -- it doesn't get better, it gets worse. We moved my dad to a wonderful fantastic place. But he went downhill more quickly than we expected, which required a ton of work esp by my local siblings, and within 18 months had a major medical crisis. He was hospitalized and being sent to hospice. In terms of my kids, my job, my life, it was a terrible time to pick up and sit by his hospital bed. But at that point, there literally is no other choice a civilized person can make. Believe me, this is when whatever relationship you have left with your siblings will be tested even more. Right now, the move - this is the easy part.

[Anonymous]

OP Listen to your gut. If you have 'trust issues" with how your mother's money is being spent, you are probably right. Angered the movers when you called and asked? that's because there is some hanky panky there involving the payment. The more the locals get mad, the more they are on the take for the money. That's why they don't want you around. that it is virtually impossible for you to be there due to new job and SN child? Works in their favor -- remember a good offensive is a good defense -- so expect them to play every card. the guilt card. The mean card. The we don't need you card. the why didn't you do more card. Its all aimed at keeping you off balance while they take advantage. I have been through this now 4 times, and I have noticed that the more anger and accusations are thrown around, the more advantage is being taken. So try not to fall for it. You think you are the only one ... nope, very common.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I sat by my dad's bedside at the nursing home many evenings after work. I hated that he was so sick but visiting him wasn't exactly "work". It was more of an obligation and just helped to ensure that he was receiving good care at the nursing home. I did it because he was my dad.

Arranging for the logistics of a move and preparing a house for sale is work. Especially if the parent is checked out and is of little help or - worse - is uncooperative. If the parent is still able to make decisions, handle some of the logistics, is able to make financial decisions for themselves then you would be playing more of a support role. But if you are doing role up your sleeves work (like painting, heavy yard work) to prepare the house for sale - I would consider that work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation but am the close by sibling. Thankfully my mother has the means to handle the financial aspects of downsizing and I am just needed for logistics and organization. I have no expectation that my brother will do anything to help but that is more due to his personality than anything else.

I agree with the PP's about writing the check and backing off. You aren't in a position to help aside from financially. If the moving quote was reasonable just pay it. The fact that your sister became aware very quickly that you had contacted the movers tells me that they (the movers) were upset by your call.

You need to be either all in or all out (aside from monetary help). Stop micromanaging from afar.

Agreed.

And honestly, you can work out a caregiving support system and come help out for a few days. Not easy, but you could do it.

I also agree with the bolded. My mom's in the midst of cancer treatment, and my sister and our dad (her ex-husband, but still cordial) are all local, but I'm the only functional, helpful one. I've resigned myself to the fact that they can't/won't do much to help, but what really pisses me off is when they butt in and make things worse. Find someone you can trust to give money too, and then give it when you can. Otherwise, stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

12:31 you adee corect, I didn't even consider that OP was a sahm with a school age child and baby

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, people are angry about the situation and there's nothing to be done about it but that doesn't make it less angry-making.

If you don't trust other people to do the work, then do it yourself. Don't jump in after someone else is doing it.

Everyone has reasons why work that has to be done is too hard or inconvenient or awful. Everyone. If you didn't have other siblings to pick up the slack, what would you be doing? Maybe do some of that.

When other people are doing work you aren't willing to do, you don't get to be all judgey about how they're doing it.

[Anonymous]

We get it. You are a very important person with a very busy schedule. They are not. It is their responsibility and how dare they expect you to help.

(funny, the close sibling in our situation would not help. we moved mom cross country and took on full-time care. I'd expect you do a reasonable amount regardless of distance and how important and busy you are).

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong with your siblings being financially compensated for their time wrt to the move when you are not contributing any of your time.

It would also be fine for them to be compensated for taking care of mom in their house and using her funds to help build an addition for her.

Sounds like you aren't doing much.

I can't believe you are bringing your kids to moving weekend. That will just make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Op is being asked for money to help out then I think it's fine for Op to get the specifics on how that money is being spent. If her sisters are paying themselves a salary for handling this move that isn't necessarily a bad or inappropriate thing but it would be dishonest of them to not mention that to Op.

This. They know how much the movers quoted them. Not to share that info with OP is shady. She needs to be able to budget her money.

My cousin mismanaged funds associated with her mom's healthcare. She asked some family members to help cover costs, then used several hundred dollars to pay for her dd's birthday party and gifts. It happens. OP has the right to know where her money is going and how much things cost. That's not micromanaging.