Downsizing aging parent: 2 sibs who live close+1 who lives far=drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But "ability" is sometimes determined by our choices. The SN child was not a choice, but what about moving away?

So we all should live our lives within an x mile radius of mom and/or dad so that, if parent ever needs support - despite having other local kids - we can contribute our fair share?
That just doesn't seem very realistic.
And OP *is* in fact contributing by doing money, even if she can't be there herself. Her siblings just want to indulge in feeling sorry for themselves.

OP, next time there's a large expense you could pay for, ask your siblings if they would prefer that you write a check - or if they would prefer that you come to town for a week to help with everything else, and the expense can be split by thirds. I bet they want the cash (or the vendor paid directly).

Move whereever you want. Just don't pretend that it isn't a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others. Either pay the movers directly or pay your sibs. Get over the idea that it is your money and that gives you a voice.

You chose to have a child...whether you knew it was going to be a SN kid or not, it was a choice. You chose to move away. The two sibs are up to their eyeballs in the minutiae of elder care and it is far more challenging than simply raising a kid. The kid grow up and expands into life; the elder declines and it ends in death.

And whatever you do, don't waltz in during moving weekend or the week before/after, see that everything is running well and conclude that your sibs must be exaggerating. The reason things are moving so well is due to their efforts.

Either be there and be part of it or stand back and send a check. Yes, they will appreciate the money but what they will really appreciate is more hands on day to day help.

The alternative is to pack Mom off to an assisted living facility, roughly $3,600 per month "nationwide" but it starts at $6,000 a month for a bare bones room in many places in the DMV area. Need extra services? Like someone to walk with mom down to the dining room? Like providing mediations? Like doing her laundry? Each service typically runs $250-$500 per month, every month. The better places locally start at $8k/month and go up from there IF they decide to take your parent. Depending on what's going on with her, they may decide they'd prefer to deal with the healthier and less prone to issues elders.

um, it IS her money. I'd cut them off completely. Don't pay for anything. Let them complain about that.

[Anonymous]

OP a lot of folks are jumping on you but I defend your position. Most times the sibling that is not available, is totally not available, emotionally, physically and financially. You have offered money, it is TOTALLY RESONABLE, for you to ask about costs. For them to claim that you upset the movers, is a bunch of bullshit. You cant help it if your husband cant take off of work right now, thats what happens when you start a new job! Nor can you help the fact that you have a SN child. You cant have just anyone watch your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP a lot of folks are jumping on you but I defend your position. Most times the sibling that is not available, is totally not available, emotionally, physically and financially. You have offered money, it is TOTALLY RESONABLE, for you to ask about costs. For them to claim that you upset the movers, is a bunch of bullshit. You cant help it if your husband cant take off of work right now, thats what happens when you start a new job! Nor can you help the fact that you have a SN child. You cant have just anyone watch your child.

^ +1. And do NOT give them a dime directly. It is perfectly fine to lay for costs directly and that you can verify.

And for the asshole who wrote this
"You chose to have a child...whether you knew it was going to be a SN kid or not, it was a choice. You chose to move away. The two sibs are up to their eyeballs in the minutiae of elder care and it is far more challenging than simply raising a kid."

"Simply raising a kid"? Your bitterness is so obvious. Sorry life didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Seek therapy.
OP, do NOT listen to bitter psychos. And no, do not jeopardize your husband's job and do not just leave your kids with anyone because it's more convenient for those who don't give a damn about their care. I do, however, agree that you should explore going there for a weekend -- plan out some strategies to make it less daunting for your husband. This time period is going to be uncomfortable for everyone involved (I have been there, SN child, distance, etc.). Spread it around-- it will never be fair and the hometown team will NEVER think you've done enough. Oh well. Only you have to live with if your actions.

[Anonymous]

Meant "pay for costs"
And "live with your"