Downsizing aging parent: 2 sibs who live close+1 who lives far=drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If Op is being asked for money to help out then I think it's fine for Op to get the specifics on how that money is being spent. If her sisters are paying themselves a salary for handling this move that isn't necessarily a bad or inappropriate thing but it would be dishonest of them to not mention that to Op.

This. They know how much the movers quoted them. Not to share that info with OP is shady. She needs to be able to budget her money.

My cousin mismanaged funds associated with her mom's healthcare. She asked some family members to help cover costs, then used several hundred dollars to pay for her dd's birthday party and gifts. It happens. OP has the right to know where her money is going and how much things cost. That's not micromanaging.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

In that case, it's pretty obvious to me that they are mad because you thwarted them from sticking their hand in the till.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation this summer. One of my parents required life saving heart surgery, DH was overseas, my brother went AWOL and my other sibling my sister freaked out yelling at me to come down to our hometown to help manage my dad's surgery and my mother who was a basket case.

I sucked it up and rented a suite. in an extended stay hotel for a week. I had to bring my kids and my dog. I hired sitters and enrolled the children in camp. My father almost died in that surgery and was on life support for 4 days. I can't imagine if I hadn't been there to literally, physically hold my mother when they told her re the complications and to prepare for last rites.

Sometimes life is inconvenient, expensive and a pain. Just because you are out of town and have a complicated life doesn't mean you get a pass. Sorry. I would find a way not to take your kids. If yon need to take your kids find a sitter, a high school kid with a car to take them to a museum, the movies, a park, etc., anywhere, so you can 100% focus on the task at hand. The task isn't to show your sisters how hard your life is managing your kids (this isn't show and tell), does that make sense? If you are waiting for the other sisters to "get" how hard you already have it and say "OMG, your life is already so stressful, don't worry about it" you have the wrong attitude.

I often write checks to my parents and my sister re handling medical and other costs of my father's ongoing care. My sister goes from yelling at me to giving me praise. I need to grin in bear it, because in reality she is the one handling the day to day, everyday.

Get a grip. This is moving. Not life-threatening surgery. Lots of drama queen martyrs on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why your husband can't stay home with the kids? Are you codependent or is he disabled or what? And please don't play the SN card, your husband can cope for a weekend with his own kids!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

I understand but you are trusting them to take care of all of the non-monetary aspects of the move without micromanaging. You either need to get more involved and help more, or else trust them to take care of it and just write the check. I probably would give them some extra money for their time btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the tips. My ILs can't help--both close to 90 and not interested even when they were younger. No aunts or uncles on husbands side. As for the money aspect, I would be happy to write the check but unfortunately my sister's husband is not trustworthy and I think they would try to pay themselves a salary for their time on the project. That's what they were going to do a few years back when there was some discussion of using some of my mom's money to put an addition on my sister's house for her to live in. That's why I called the movers--there's a trust issue and I want only to pay the movers directly and not my sister and BIL.

I understand but you are trusting them to take care of all of the non-monetary aspects of the move without micromanaging. You either need to get more involved and help more, or else trust them to take care of it and just write the check. I probably would give them some extra money for their time btw.

Um, so theft is ok with you? OP please do not give a blank check to these morons. The martyr brigade is out in full force. The same shrill harpies who show up to "help" Grammy after a fall, and are really helping themselves to Grammys silver, jewelry, and bank account. They ALWAYS shriek the loudest about not having enough help. They are covering up their crimes.

[Anonymous]

OP, use your money to hire a competent caregiver for your kids. Then you can contribute your time instead of your money.

Lots of people get a payment for elder care within the family. It's an extremely time-consuming responsibility and makes it very difficult to do well at work at the same time. There is nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is above-board. If you don't like it, you're welcome to do the work yourself for free.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why the movers couldn't give you a precise packing and moving cost. Also, you ARE going to pay the moving company directly, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, I disagree that "everyone is busy". Sorry but I wouldn't expect my relatives who care for a severely SN child to have the same degree of responsibility in this situation as those of us who are able bodied. I also wouldn't expect the same from a struggling single parent as I might a local, married, employed, childless couple.

Your sisters will bitch no matter what you do, so do what you want.

What I would do is pay the movers or any other vendors directly. Say, "I'll volunteer to pay for (x) vendor. Please have him or her send me a bill (or a quote) or call me so I can arrange payment information."

It is not the same when you are local or childless. It's just not.

Just as sometimes you have to devote more parenting resources to one child who has the greatest need, sometimes as children those of us with more flexibility need to step up. Each according to their ability to bear, if you will.

[Anonymous]

But "ability" is sometimes determined by our choices. The SN child was not a choice, but what about moving away?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sympathizing with your siblings on this one. You can ask about the money when you're down there in person. (Leave your kids home with DH as others recommended. You will have enough to deal with.)

What you aren't mentioning and maybe aren't grokking is that your local siblings are providing all the emotional support to your mom right now, and are probably going through far bigger emotional turmoil than you about your parent because of this. They're closer to the problem and they have to deal with some new wrinkle every day, whereas your distance insulates you from it to some extent. You may have other problems going on, but this problem -- your mom -- your siblings are doing all the emotional heavy lifting on. Give them credit for that. Recognize that that is hard work nobody wants to do. Your distance lets you be a bit of a dilettante or a tourist to your mom's worsening condition, whereas they're on the front lines. You owe them more respect, even if you do want to check up on the money side. Your money doesn't put you in charge. You're still a bit of an interloper because you're just not there every day like they are, so you don't have the depth of understanding of the whole situation as they do.

Sorry about your mom. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others. Either pay the movers directly or pay your sibs. Get over the idea that it is your money and that gives you a voice.

You chose to have a child...whether you knew it was going to be a SN kid or not, it was a choice. You chose to move away. The two sibs are up to their eyeballs in the minutiae of elder care and it is far more challenging than simply raising a kid. The kid grow up and expands into life; the elder declines and it ends in death.

And whatever you do, don't waltz in during moving weekend or the week before/after, see that everything is running well and conclude that your sibs must be exaggerating. The reason things are moving so well is due to their efforts.

Either be there and be part of it or stand back and send a check. Yes, they will appreciate the money but what they will really appreciate is more hands on day to day help.

The alternative is to pack Mom off to an assisted living facility, roughly $3,600 per month "nationwide" but it starts at $6,000 a month for a bare bones room in many places in the DMV area. Need extra services? Like someone to walk with mom down to the dining room? Like providing mediations? Like doing her laundry? Each service typically runs $250-$500 per month, every month. The better places locally start at $8k/month and go up from there IF they decide to take your parent. Depending on what's going on with her, they may decide they'd prefer to deal with the healthier and less prone to issues elders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sympathizing with your siblings on this one. You can ask about the money when you're down there in person. (Leave your kids home with DH as others recommended. You will have enough to deal with.)

What you aren't mentioning and maybe aren't grokking is that your local siblings are providing all the emotional support to your mom right now, and are probably going through far bigger emotional turmoil than you about your parent because of this. They're closer to the problem and they have to deal with some new wrinkle every day, whereas your distance insulates you from it to some extent. You may have other problems going on, but this problem -- your mom -- your siblings are doing all the emotional heavy lifting on. Give them credit for that. Recognize that that is hard work nobody wants to do. Your distance lets you be a bit of a dilettante or a tourist to your mom's worsening condition, whereas they're on the front lines. You owe them more respect, even if you do want to check up on the money side. Your money doesn't put you in charge. You're still a bit of an interloper because you're just not there every day like they are, so you don't have the depth of understanding of the whole situation as they do.

Sorry about your mom. Good luck.

+1. Your siblings are on call 24/7 and its a very wearying responsibility. They can't take so much as a day trip without making a backup plan for elder care. They are noticing and taking care of a million minor things that they don't even bother to mention to you. And if the shit really hits the fan, they know they'll be first in line to deal with it and you won't. So tread carefully and show some respect.

[Anonymous]

Why do these stories always involve a SN child?
Anyway....

- Op is paying for the mover, she gets to ask them any questions she wants.

- two siblings is plenty to supervise the movers, Op doesn't need to be there. If the siblings don't want to unpack, they need to decide that, and split the cost 3 ways for the movers to do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But "ability" is sometimes determined by our choices. The SN child was not a choice, but what about moving away?

So we all should live our lives within an x mile radius of mom and/or dad so that, if parent ever needs support - despite having other local kids - we can contribute our fair share?
That just doesn't seem very realistic.
And OP *is* in fact contributing by doing money, even if she can't be there herself. Her siblings just want to indulge in feeling sorry for themselves.

OP, next time there's a large expense you could pay for, ask your siblings if they would prefer that you write a check - or if they would prefer that you come to town for a week to help with everything else, and the expense can be split by thirds. I bet they want the cash (or the vendor paid directly).