awful night with bf- any tips?

[Anonymous]

My bf and I got into a huge fight last night due to our introvert-extrovert differences. I am slightly more extroverted than he is and although I need alone time to recharge after a social activity, I still need more interaction with people. After a long day at work, I want to come home, get a glass of wine and vent/chat with my bf. He is my safe place after a day out in the world.

After a long day of work, my bf gets moody and grumpy and just drained. He gives one word responses, is tired and usually just wants no interaction with me. He'd much rather play a video game or read a book.

I of course don't take this too well. As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

Last night, he was grumpy and quiet in the car, so I left him alone and we drove pretty much quietly after work. Once home, I had to get a job application out, so I was on the laptop and he got himself a glass of wine and a book and sat next to me and started reading. He'd rub my feet and read and I'd type away. After I got done, I went and showered and moisturized myself and looked over at him and he was still absorbed in his book.

I feel hurt that even though I was done with my task and I was free now, he still just wanted to read his book. He asked me how I was doing, I said I was okay. I then turn on netflix and get quiet and "pouty". He asks me whats wrong. I say its nothing. He asks again, I tell him that I felt hurt that he wanted to read his book instead of spend time with me since I was not going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

He flipped out! And started going off a rant about how it is SOOOO unfair that I am begrudging him a book! I said I don't care if he reads his book and that I'm hurt he is doing it now when he could do it tomorrow or the day after when I'm not around. We go back and forth. He starts accusing me of not giving him any space to do anything except hang out with me and do stuff I want. I'm hurt I even have to ask him to spend time with me. He was yelling and saying all sorts of unflattering things about how I am so unfair and so mean!

I then tried to sleep on the couch and cried until 2am. After which he came to get me and I finally went to bed.

We were still arguing about it this morning. I am exhausted and can't focus on work. I feel like I have been through a war being attacked and criticized all night.

[Anonymous]

Dump him and move on to someone who is a better fit

Good luck..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bf and I got into a huge fight last night due to our introvert-extrovert differences. I am slightly more extroverted than he is and although I need alone time to recharge after a social activity, I still need more interaction with people. After a long day at work, I want to come home, get a glass of wine and vent/chat with my bf. He is my safe place after a day out in the world.

After a long day of work, my bf gets moody and grumpy and just drained. He gives one word responses, is tired and usually just wants no interaction with me. He'd much rather play a video game or read a book.

I of course don't take this too well. As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

Last night, he was grumpy and quiet in the car, so I left him alone and we drove pretty much quietly after work. Once home, I had to get a job application out, so I was on the laptop and he got himself a glass of wine and a book and sat next to me and started reading. He'd rub my feet and read and I'd type away. After I got done, I went and showered and moisturized myself and looked over at him and he was still absorbed in his book.

I feel hurt that even though I was done with my task and I was free now, he still just wanted to read his book. He asked me how I was doing, I said I was okay. I then turn on netflix and get quiet and "pouty". He asks me whats wrong. I say its nothing. He asks again, I tell him that I felt hurt that he wanted to read his book instead of spend time with me since I was not going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

He flipped out! And started going off a rant about how it is SOOOO unfair that I am begrudging him a book! I said I don't care if he reads his book and that I'm hurt he is doing it now when he could do it tomorrow or the day after when I'm not around. We go back and forth. He starts accusing me of not giving him any space to do anything except hang out with me and do stuff I want. I'm hurt I even have to ask him to spend time with me. He was yelling and saying all sorts of unflattering things about how I am so unfair and so mean!

I then tried to sleep on the couch and cried until 2am. After which he came to get me and I finally went to bed.

We were still arguing about it this morning. I am exhausted and can't focus on work. I feel like I have been through a war being attacked and criticized all night.

OP here. He also went on a rant about how I don't appreciate him and all he does for me and if I did I would not begrudge him a book and some alone time to relax after a long day.

This is so stupid because I tell him I love him and appreciate him all the time!

[Anonymous]

I am also the more extroverted one in our relationship, and I am on your boyfriend's side.

Your expectations are princessy. You went and showered and were ready to hang out, but he was still doing what he was doing. Where's your respect for his task, his time?

If I had been you last night (which I have), I would've finished the job application, and then gotten up to take a shower. Before I left, I would say, "Hey DH, I'm going to go take a shower and then do you want to talk/have some dinner/watch a movie together/fool around/etc.?" If he said, "That sounds great!" then great. If he said, "I'm pretty tired and kind of just want to read and crash out" then that would also be fine, because his needs are just as valid of mine.

Your BF should apologize for saying unkind things to you. You should apologize for being needy and demanding. You should talk like adults about how to handle these differences of relational style in the future, or your relationship is going to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him and move on to someone who is a better fit

Good luck..

+1. And next time don't get pouty with people and then tell them "nothing's wrong".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid because I tell him I love him and appreciate him all the time!

Well, evidently that's not what he needs or wants from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bf and I got into a huge fight last night due to our introvert-extrovert differences. I am slightly more extroverted than he is and although I need alone time to recharge after a social activity, I still need more interaction with people. After a long day at work, I want to come home, get a glass of wine and vent/chat with my bf. He is my safe place after a day out in the world.

After a long day of work, my bf gets moody and grumpy and just drained. He gives one word responses, is tired and usually just wants no interaction with me. He'd much rather play a video game or read a book.

I of course don't take this too well. As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

Last night, he was grumpy and quiet in the car, so I left him alone and we drove pretty much quietly after work. Once home, I had to get a job application out, so I was on the laptop and he got himself a glass of wine and a book and sat next to me and started reading. He'd rub my feet and read and I'd type away. After I got done, I went and showered and moisturized myself and looked over at him and he was still absorbed in his book.

I feel hurt that even though I was done with my task and I was free now, he still just wanted to read his book. He asked me how I was doing, I said I was okay. I then turn on netflix and get quiet and "pouty". He asks me whats wrong. I say its nothing. He asks again, I tell him that I felt hurt that he wanted to read his book instead of spend time with me since I was not going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

He flipped out! And started going off a rant about how it is SOOOO unfair that I am begrudging him a book! I said I don't care if he reads his book and that I'm hurt he is doing it now when he could do it tomorrow or the day after when I'm not around. We go back and forth. He starts accusing me of not giving him any space to do anything except hang out with me and do stuff I want. I'm hurt I even have to ask him to spend time with me. He was yelling and saying all sorts of unflattering things about how I am so unfair and so mean!

I then tried to sleep on the couch and cried until 2am. After which he came to get me and I finally went to bed.

We were still arguing about it this morning. I am exhausted and can't focus on work. I feel like I have been through a war being attacked and criticized all night.

OP here. He also went on a rant about how I don't appreciate him and all he does for me and if I did I would not begrudge him a book and some alone time to relax after a long day.

This is so stupid because I tell him I love him and appreciate him all the time!

PP here. You may say those things, but it sounds like you really just want him to do exactly what you want, pay attention to you, operate on your time frame, "relish the fact that he gets to see you." Then when he does that, in the form of "asking you how you're doing" you get pouty and passive aggressive. I would've yelled at you too.

[Anonymous]

Does he like his job? That might be contributing to his mood as much as his personality.

[Anonymous]

OP, the issue is that you're not accepting him for who he is. He is someone who need quiet time at the end of the day to relax and unwind. It's not a statement about you or how he feels about you, it's part of his innate nature. If you guys could have a mature conversation without getting "pouty," you might be able to reach a compromise, such as that you have dinner together and chat, but then he gets some quiet time alone.

If you can't do that, it's time for you guys to split up. Not because someone is right or wrong here, but because you're too different is ways that are making you both unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Wow - you went through all that because he wanted to keep reading his book? I want to tell your bf to run. If you love and appreciate him, listen to him and what he needs. He needs more quiet time and space to do his own thing too. If you need all the attention on you, all the time that you are available, this is probably not your guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

To me this sounds exhausting.

You can't tell people how they should feel when they love you.

You can try to find someone who feels about the love the same way you do.

[Anonymous]

You might appreciate him as it relates to you, but you are not appreciating him as a person and respecting his needs. You already know that he is an introvert. He needs more alone time than you to recharge --especially after a long work week.

He sat with you while you worked on your applications. He didn't complain that you could have worked on them some other time, did he? He kept you company without reservation. Then once YOU were ready for more interaction, you expected him to be ready as well.

You may be a nice person, but it sounds like you two are ill suited to meet one another's needs. I am solidly on team boyfriend on this one. This is a very hard character trait for someone to change. Your needs for more company are really hard on an introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bf and I got into a huge fight last night due to our introvert-extrovert differences. I am slightly more extroverted than he is and although I need alone time to recharge after a social activity, I still need more interaction with people. After a long day at work, I want to come home, get a glass of wine and vent/chat with my bf. He is my safe place after a day out in the world.

After a long day of work, my bf gets moody and grumpy and just drained. He gives one word responses, is tired and usually just wants no interaction with me. He'd much rather play a video game or read a book.

I of course don't take this too well. As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

Last night, he was grumpy and quiet in the car, so I left him alone and we drove pretty much quietly after work. Once home, I had to get a job application out, so I was on the laptop and he got himself a glass of wine and a book and sat next to me and started reading. He'd rub my feet and read and I'd type away. After I got done, I went and showered and moisturized myself and looked over at him and he was still absorbed in his book.

I feel hurt that even though I was done with my task and I was free now, he still just wanted to read his book. He asked me how I was doing, I said I was okay. I then turn on netflix and get quiet and "pouty". He asks me whats wrong. I say its nothing. He asks again, I tell him that I felt hurt that he wanted to read his book instead of spend time with me since I was not going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

He flipped out! And started going off a rant about how it is SOOOO unfair that I am begrudging him a book! I said I don't care if he reads his book and that I'm hurt he is doing it now when he could do it tomorrow or the day after when I'm not around. We go back and forth. He starts accusing me of not giving him any space to do anything except hang out with me and do stuff I want. I'm hurt I even have to ask him to spend time with me. He was yelling and saying all sorts of unflattering things about how I am so unfair and so mean!

I then tried to sleep on the couch and cried until 2am. After which he came to get me and I finally went to bed.

We were still arguing about it this morning. I am exhausted and can't focus on work. I feel like I have been through a war being attacked and criticized all night.

Grow up. Your boyfriend is an introvert. You know this, and yet you expect him to be different. Actually, you expect him to be like you. But he's not. No, he shouldn't have said mean things, but you need to either stop expecting him to be someone he isn't or break up. And FFS, stop pouting.

Assuming you don't want to break up, you need to figure out how to build time for him into your everyday schedule. Not begrudgingly, not like you're doing him a big favor, but because it's what he needs to be happy. And then you figure out how to build in together time. But your needs are not more important than his. You have to really believe that, or this relationship is doomed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I love my bf to pieces. He is the best guy!! I can't even fathom breaking up! I just want to figure out how tp resolve this issue we have. I just assumed we'd naturally fall into a rhythm that accommodates both people clearly that's not working. I need to put more thought into giving him room for his alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bf and I got into a huge fight last night due to our introvert-extrovert differences. I am slightly more extroverted than he is and although I need alone time to recharge after a social activity, I still need more interaction with people. After a long day at work, I want to come home, get a glass of wine and vent/chat with my bf. He is my safe place after a day out in the world.

After a long day of work, my bf gets moody and grumpy and just drained. He gives one word responses, is tired and usually just wants no interaction with me. He'd much rather play a video game or read a book.

I of course don't take this too well. As someone who loves me, I expect him to relish the fact that he gets to see me at the end of the day and he should not want to wait to hang out with me and talk to me and tell me about his day.

Last night, he was grumpy and quiet in the car, so I left him alone and we drove pretty much quietly after work. Once home, I had to get a job application out, so I was on the laptop and he got himself a glass of wine and a book and sat next to me and started reading. He'd rub my feet and read and I'd type away. After I got done, I went and showered and moisturized myself and looked over at him and he was still absorbed in his book.

I feel hurt that even though I was done with my task and I was free now, he still just wanted to read his book. He asked me how I was doing, I said I was okay. I then turn on netflix and get quiet and "pouty". He asks me whats wrong. I say its nothing. He asks again, I tell him that I felt hurt that he wanted to read his book instead of spend time with me since I was not going to be there tomorrow and the day after.

He flipped out! And started going off a rant about how it is SOOOO unfair that I am begrudging him a book! I said I don't care if he reads his book and that I'm hurt he is doing it now when he could do it tomorrow or the day after when I'm not around. We go back and forth. He starts accusing me of not giving him any space to do anything except hang out with me and do stuff I want. I'm hurt I even have to ask him to spend time with me. He was yelling and saying all sorts of unflattering things about how I am so unfair and so mean!

I then tried to sleep on the couch and cried until 2am. After which he came to get me and I finally went to bed.

We were still arguing about it this morning. I am exhausted and can't focus on work. I feel like I have been through a war being attacked and criticized all night.

OP here. He also went on a rant about how I don't appreciate him and all he does for me and if I did I would not begrudge him a book and some alone time to relax after a long day.

This is so stupid because I tell him I love him and appreciate him all the time!

You sound passive aggressive and an equal party in this equation. Not saying either of you is "right" or "wrong", but I definitely didn't read this scenario and say "What an a-hole BF."

First, I think you guys need to calibrate your expectations. While I think it's perfectly reasonable that you want to spend time with each other after work, you characterization of wanting him to "relish in the fact he gets to see you..." and he should "not wait to hang out with me and tell me about his day" is really telling. You already know he's an introvert who gets drained after a long day of work--why do you assume he would want to talk about his day at work (the very thing that makes him grumpy)?

What stuck out to me is that while you were doing your application, your BF rubbed your feet and sat next to you. While this may not have registered on your radar as "hanging out", this may have been meaningful contact to him.

Your passive-aggressiveness also shines through after your shower...instead of saying "Honey, how about we chat for a little bit", you looked over at him reading his book, made a judgment that he doesn't want to hang out with you "now that you're done with your task, and decide to get pouty. From there, you are just playing childish games.

You don't necessarily sound like a bad person, but this post reads very passive-aggressive and self-absorbed. Frankly, you guys just don't sound compatible and you know his personality, but are still getting offended by the things you come to expect.