H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Divorce him, ditch him, take the kids, and move on with your life. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Divorce him, ditch him, take the kids, and move on with your life. Done and done.

+1. Divorce is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is not an answer if they have kids together. OP will be still tethered to him via kids and he can mess them up.

It would be cheaper to engage an interventionalist and get her husband committed than divorcing

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are finding their symptoms go away with a keto or carnivore diet. It's worth a try since everything else has failed. Please read the book Brain Energy by Dr. Chris Palmer or find a podcast where he explains his book

[Anonymous]

https://www.shortform.com/podcast/episode/the-mel-robbins-podcast-2024-01-25-episode-summary-the-truth-about-adhd-in-adults-harvards-dr-chris-palmer-explains-the-research

[Anonymous]

Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if it was the DH who was contemplating divorcing his ADHD wife. This thread would be on page 100 with women and after women insulting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

Complex PTSD absolutely causes this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

So much crap armchair diagnosing from people who got their PhD in psychology from Trump University. OP, if she's not a troll, should understand that this is not "ADHD that cannot be fixed" but most likely a mix of mental conditions--which are not being effectively treated with ADHD medication

It’s funny you ignore the most likely explanation and then go on to give your own garbage opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

Seriously, need to see a therapist yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a counselor in Canada that has a very interesting approach to management of ADHD- Jenna Free. Has podcasts, website, and Instagram accounts on steps to take. The issue is difficulty regulating emotions- ADHD people are often in fight or flight (freeze or fawn). Russell Barkley, well- known ADHD expert thinks emotional regulation problems are critical and missing element in the criteria for diagnosing ADHD. Anyway, she believes executive function is treating the symptoms and the person needs to address their difficulties in regulating their emotions to really get to the root of the problem and solve this long term.

I have a child with pretty severe ADHD, and this makes no sense. Their emotions are largely fine, and they have none of the emotional regulation issues that you allude to or the depression that OP's husband has. They are very aloof, daydreaming instead of being present during conversations and in school, and have almost no executive functioning skills due to their inattentiveness. They require medication and structure to manage their day. It's possible that if we don't address this issue, they might end up depressed as an adult because they can't live independently; however, the root of their problem is inattentiveness, not emotional regulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

OP. Thank you for this. Yes, he is depressed and is on medication for that. Unfortunately that also doesn’t seem to help.

He is also someone who knows how to charm. To everyone else, he’s an extremely nice and attentive guy.

Classic C-PTSD

Look into DBT therapy and a therapist who specializes in trauma and EMDR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be there for your children first. I left someone who was masking ASD for years. Then it spiraled out of control and he is no more. Life is so much better for all of us now, even his family.
It wasn't my duty to help him. His huge family didn't and couldn't help him. My duty is to my kids.

That is one cold way to refer to an ex committing suicide, but I get it. I have a BPD sibling and you can’t live life for them.

OP you have a tricky case where divorce means he may have sole custody of the kids for stretches of time… thst could end badly.