Spouse saying I ruined their life

[Anonymous]

It's hard to diagnose anyone without more information, but it could certainly be that this behavior is a symptom of her family-history of ADHD and narcissism getting more rooted in her. And if that's the case, it doesn't really matter what you're arguing about . . . no matter what the issue is, she's not going to respond reasonably. So you need to decide if staying together has enough upsides.

I wouldn't casually threaten divorce in the hopes of shutting down an argument, though. Sounds like she's already called your bluff on that. Only say it if you mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long would someone put up with it? I have 3 kids all about to be in college, wife was supposed to go back to work when they all reached middle school. She didn't, kept coming up with reasons why not. We live in expensive zip code, have kids in private school and did the whole travel sports thing (which is ridiculously expensive in and of itself. Wife went back to work part time 30 ish hours a week when kids were about half done with HS and now works part time 10-15 hours a week, I told her that working until the kids all graduate from college would be ideal and allow us to get through with minimal extra debt or student loans, 429 won't cover everything for them and we don't have parents that are contributing to any of this stuff, so its 100% on us. I am told constantly that I have "ruined her life", that she is 50 and shouldn't have to work anymore and that none of her friends work, which is sort of true. We have some very wealthy friends and we have friends where the women made a lot of money early in career, one was a stock broker the other partner in a Dr Office. We also have friends where they are legitimate duel income households with both spouses contributing greatly. I keep getting told, "making money is your job, you have ruined my life."

On top of the ruining her life for wanting her to work until she is 55 ish, I am now told I am ruining her life because I don't want to spend 7 or 8 thousand dollars for our family to go to NY and watch Ovi hopefully get the all time goals record. Next week I will have ruined her life in some other way. I am just over it. I have told her that if she really feels I am ruining her life she should contact a divorce attorney, but she won't.

She sounds spoiled and in a mid life crisis, probably upset she is losing her looks and feeling depressed.

Have no advice to give you other than be firm with her and call her out on her emotional tantrums rather than enabling or validating them. She will respect you at the very least if do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long would someone put up with it? I have 3 kids all about to be in college, wife was supposed to go back to work when they all reached middle school. She didn't, kept coming up with reasons why not.

We live in expensive zip code, have kids in private school and did the whole travel sports thing (which is ridiculously expensive in and of itself. Wife went back to work part time 30 ish hours a week when kids were about half done with HS and now works part time 10-15 hours a week, I told her that working until the kids all graduate from college would be ideal and allow us to get through with minimal extra debt or student loans, 429 won't cover everything for them and we don't have parents that are contributing to any of this stuff, so its 100% on us.

I am told constantly that I have "ruined her life", that she is 50 and shouldn't have to work anymore and that none of her friends work, which is sort of true. We have some very wealthy friends and we have friends where the women made a lot of money early in career, one was a stock broker the other partner in a Dr Office.

We also have friends where they are legitimate duel income households with both spouses contributing greatly. I keep getting told, "making money is your job, you have ruined my life."

On top of the ruining her life for wanting her to work until she is 55 ish, I am now told I am ruining her life because I don't want to spend 7 or 8 thousand dollars for our family to go to NY and watch Ovi hopefully get the all time goals record. Next week I will have ruined her life in some other way. I am just over it. I have told her that if she really feels I am ruining her life she should contact a divorce attorney, but she won't.

What a 429?

Stock broker? That’s retail. wtf, do those exist anymore?

Get a Financial Analyst appt booked stat. This is clearly not a private banker or wealth mgmt situation.

Can’t tell why you’re ruining her life or why you have so many money problems. I fear you don’t know either.

OP is busted troll now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

Why are you so fixated on something you both said 1 or 2 decades ago? Does it even matter? Lots can change and does. You talk as a team about it. Not this black & white you said this 12 years ago, go do it now krap.

Why’d you have three kids OP? You had better make bank and be involved, that’s a $hitton of responsibilities.

Are you having financial difficulties? No one can tell what the actual problem is. It seems like it’s YOU harping about making your wife go back to work, come hell or high water. So you did and now she and we wonder WTF your actual problem is.

You should be thrilled yours about to have three kids launched into college. Instead you’re nagging your wife to get a bigger and better job after 15 years out of the work force.

Man are you dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

Discussed pre marriage and pre kids!!?

Dude, get a grip.

Unless you continually talked about this and helped that glidepath, you are way out of it here. And now yours complaining that her after tax income “doesn’t make sense”. DUH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What job did she get after 20 years out of the workforce? If you’re expecting her to work something menial and comparing it to your job which she enabled then she has a point. If she is in a fulfilling and respectable role, you may have a point.

But if 10-15 hours per week at the job is making a difference to your ability to fund college for your kids something is up.

+1. No way OP’s wife is making more than like $10k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

What.

Part time jobs do not come with health insurance or retirement packages. And why do you need health insurance doesn’t your company have normal benefits? You expected your wife to leave the workforce for 15 years and then had hilariously unrealistic expectations (maybe both of you did) for what she would walk back into. But instead of recognizing your own unrealistic expectations, you’re saying *she* isn’t holding up her side.

Enjoy paying alimony. Sounds like she earned it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Been a part-time WOHM my kids' whole life and I don't expect a chance to "sit down" until my DH also retires. And I don't have a housecleaner and my nanny never did anything but babysit when the kids were little, so I've been doing my share of the domestic work this entire time and will continue to do so (DH has always done outdoors and sometimes done a good bit of the cooking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long would someone put up with it? I have 3 kids all about to be in college, wife was supposed to go back to work when they all reached middle school. She didn't, kept coming up with reasons why not.

We live in expensive zip code, have kids in private school and did the whole travel sports thing (which is ridiculously expensive in and of itself. Wife went back to work part time 30 ish hours a week when kids were about half done with HS and now works part time 10-15 hours a week, I told her that working until the kids all graduate from college would be ideal and allow us to get through with minimal extra debt or student loans, 429 won't cover everything for them and we don't have parents that are contributing to any of this stuff, so its 100% on us.

I am told constantly that I have "ruined her life", that she is 50 and shouldn't have to work anymore and that none of her friends work, which is sort of true. We have some very wealthy friends and we have friends where the women made a lot of money early in career, one was a stock broker the other partner in a Dr Office.

We also have friends where they are legitimate duel income households with both spouses contributing greatly. I keep getting told, "making money is your job, you have ruined my life."

On top of the ruining her life for wanting her to work until she is 55 ish, I am now told I am ruining her life because I don't want to spend 7 or 8 thousand dollars for our family to go to NY and watch Ovi hopefully get the all time goals record. Next week I will have ruined her life in some other way. I am just over it. I have told her that if she really feels I am ruining her life she should contact a divorce attorney, but she won't.

What a 429?

Stock broker? That’s retail. wtf, do those exist anymore?

Get a Financial Analyst appt booked stat. This is clearly not a private banker or wealth mgmt situation.

Can’t tell why you’re ruining her life or why you have so many money problems. I fear you don’t know either.

OP is busted troll now!

Um, OP said that a woman in their social circles made bank as a stock broker years ago (possibly now retired but it was unclear).

How is that unrealistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Isn't that the truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Been a part-time WOHM my kids' whole life and I don't expect a chance to "sit down" until my DH also retires. And I don't have a housecleaner and my nanny never did anything but babysit when the kids were little, so I've been doing my share of the domestic work this entire time and will continue to do so (DH has always done outdoors and sometimes done a good bit of the cooking).

I think PT WOHM is a good option. I would have loved that kind of job to keep my toe in the work world. The only thing I could find were low paying service jobs that made scheduling difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Why do you get to sit down when your partner has been working the whole time too?

Seriously. And I'm a woman.

[Anonymous]

My wife is the exact same way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this as a WOHM w/ kids in college/near college who has worked the entire time. You're expectations are unreasonable. Whether you realize it or not, having a SAHM has made your life easier in many ways, just as not having paid employment has made her life easier.

You really thought that after 15+ years out of the workforce that she would be able to just bounce back in and be a significant contributor to the finances? That's... not how it works. If the expectation was for her to go back to work and get back on some sort of a career ladder, then she should not have stayed home for as long as she did. If she only stayed home until the youngest was school-aged, then maybe should would have had a fighting shot of getting back in and making some money. But now? Honestly, you both made this bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You really thought that after 15+ years out of the workforce that she would be able to just bounce back in and be a significant contributor to the finances? That's... not how it works. If the expectation was for her to go back to work and get back on some sort of a career ladder, then she should not have stayed home for as long as she did. If she only stayed home until the youngest was school-aged, then maybe should would have had a fighting shot of getting back in and making some money. But now? Honestly, you both made this bed.

These were my exact thoughts too! It's unrealistic for a middle-aged woman to jump right into a career job after 15 or so years off. What kind of job did you expect her to get? One that would cash flow college?? Honestly, if you wanted her back at work, it would be better for her to never jump off the ladder.