Spouse saying I ruined their life

[Anonymous]

Has the OP ever returned to this thread? Lots of good follow up questions have been asked.

Maybe a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

This is the issue. A working mom isn’t “helping financially”, she’s paying for her own f***ing life. Just like a man isn’t “babysitting” when he cares for his own children.
Op, both of you are adults. If she doesn’t want to behave as one, she’s welcome to try her luck as a single gal in her 50s and see what life is actually like

NP: and get half the assets and likely substantial alimony? I’m not sure that is the best solution for OP here.

Then again, it doesn’t sound like they were exactly big savers, so maybe there isn’t a lot to split up.

People really need to stop relying on and expecting Lifetime alimony. You are going to be out on your a$$ in the cold if you think every woman is entitled to that.

Every woman isn’t. But it sounds like OP has likely been married for 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

He can get part time hours at Costco if they’re having cash flow issues so severe that one of them needs to do physical labor. This is why people are asking OP what kind of job he expects his spouse to take.

But this is probably a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

They haven’t refunded college yet?!

Hope she’s a I-banker or a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

* prefunded (ie ahead of time for 18 years of contributions)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Why do you get to sit down when your partner has been working the whole time too?

Because my husband has been sitting down the entire time doing his office job. Now it’s my turn to sit down

Hardly true. As a sahp you’ve been “sitting down” for years, now you want to continue “sitting down” for the rest of your life. All while the breadwinner has been working while kids were young, working while kids were in school, working while kids were gone to college. And you’ve been… sitting.

Well if that’s true then she’s a lousy parent and community member.

SAHMs who do nothing but sit all day must have craptastic homes, children, and no activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be super annoyed if my husband expected me to work after 15 years of being a sahm. I mean, I would probably work anyway bc what else am I going to do, but if he pushed me about it? No way.

Where is your gratitude for this woman who presumably carried your three children, potty trained them, sleep trained them, raised them, planned your social life and family vacations, and kept your house? This is why women shouldn’t ever agree to stay home bc once all the hard work is done, their husband might turn on them like this ahole.

What?! Why? He's been working this whole time. What would you think if he said he'd be super annoyed if you expected him to continue working after he was the sole breadwinner for 15 years?

You did your job for 15 years, as did he. Why now should he be the only one working? Seriously, what planet do you women live on?

- a woman

Super.

She can go work in an office for 40 hours paid a week plus lunch. And he can go work as a fulltime nanny/housekeeper/cook/teacher of young kids for 40 hours a week unpaid.

Sounds fair. Time for the switch. 15 years, go.

Right on!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like at least some of the kids are slready College and wife is working 15 hours a week and complaining about it and having to work to age 55. Ridiculous. dh and I both work and soon I’ll be solo parenting middle and high schooler Monday through Friday and working an intense job. I mean, yeah I’d love to have a pt hobby job but we have college and retirement to fund. We have all that craap too- activities sign ups appts etc and never had any family help (not even a single night of watching our kids ever) so we juts suck it up. Ops wife can as well. He is not asking her to suddenly develop a career, he is asking her to continue her current job for another 5 years and stop saying he’s ruined her life because she has to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

He can get part time hours at Costco if they’re having cash flow issues so severe that one of them needs to do physical labor. This is why people are asking OP what kind of job he expects his spouse to take.

But this is probably a troll.

She already HAS a job, he just wants her to actually work it, aka sign up for more hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Why do you get to sit down when your partner has been working the whole time too?

Because my husband has been sitting down the entire time doing his office job. Now it’s my turn to sit down

Hardly true. As a sahp you’ve been “sitting down” for years, now you want to continue “sitting down” for the rest of your life. All while the breadwinner has been working while kids were young, working while kids were in school, working while kids were gone to college. And you’ve been… sitting.

Well if that’s true then she’s a lousy parent and community member.

SAHMs who do nothing but sit all day must have craptastic homes, children, and no activities.

They have a cleaner and the kids are in school most of the day… clearly she isn’t doing *much* these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

He can get part time hours at Costco if they’re having cash flow issues so severe that one of them needs to do physical labor. This is why people are asking OP what kind of job he expects his spouse to take.

But this is probably a troll.

Why do people constantly expect men to work 2 jobs while the wife sits on her ass? Wtf