Spouse saying I ruined their life

[Anonymous]

Have the 2 of you ever sat down and done an actual budget? I was a SAHM and was very aware of our finances and was the only bill payer until my DH retired. What is her attitude when you have extra expenses (private school bills to car maintenance to extra curricular activities )? Her friend’s budget is material and has nothing to do with your family budget. This is simple math, maybe she needs a sit down with a financial planner or a therapist. Don’t accept you have ruined her life, she has always had choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What job did she get after 20 years out of the workforce? If you’re expecting her to work something menial and comparing it to your job which she enabled then she has a point. If she is in a fulfilling and respectable role, you may have a point.

But if 10-15 hours per week at the job is making a difference to your ability to fund college for your kids something is up.

+1

This is what I am not understanding…..

I can’t imagine this PT job, after 20hours out of the workforce, pays much. And if it makes an actual difference in the finances….something else is up. Spending/budgeting problem. How have they managed for 20yrs?

I do think the wife should have a job. Absolutely. But am confused as to the financial situation here. Makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

+1

And whomever harps that raising teens is easier and less hours and less work is full of it.

The amount of emotional support, monitoring, guidance, and coaching they need in this world of online content, social media, finding sports & club programs, friend changes, dating or not, college tours, and keeping them grounded (or “based” as they say now), is not insignificant. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Exhibit A why you don't get married and definitely don’t have three kids fellas. It'll always be your fault no matter what you do. No "courts" over here.

Def don’t have kids if you’re this checked out and ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long would someone put up with it? I have 3 kids all about to be in college, wife was supposed to go back to work when they all reached middle school. She didn't, kept coming up with reasons why not.

We live in expensive zip code, have kids in private school and did the whole travel sports thing (which is ridiculously expensive in and of itself. Wife went back to work part time 30 ish hours a week when kids were about half done with HS and now works part time 10-15 hours a week, I told her that working until the kids all graduate from college would be ideal and allow us to get through with minimal extra debt or student loans, 429 won't cover everything for them and we don't have parents that are contributing to any of this stuff, so its 100% on us.

I am told constantly that I have "ruined her life", that she is 50 and shouldn't have to work anymore and that none of her friends work, which is sort of true. We have some very wealthy friends and we have friends where the women made a lot of money early in career, one was a stock broker the other partner in a Dr Office.

We also have friends where they are legitimate duel income households with both spouses contributing greatly. I keep getting told, "making money is your job, you have ruined my life."

On top of the ruining her life for wanting her to work until she is 55 ish, I am now told I am ruining her life because I don't want to spend 7 or 8 thousand dollars for our family to go to NY and watch Ovi hopefully get the all time goals record. Next week I will have ruined her life in some other way. I am just over it. I have told her that if she really feels I am ruining her life she should contact a divorce attorney, but she won't.

What a 429?

Stock broker? That’s retail. wtf, do those exist anymore?

Get a Financial Analyst appt booked stat. This is clearly not a private banker or wealth mgmt situation.

Can’t tell why you’re ruining her life or why you have so many money problems. I fear you don’t know either.

[Anonymous]

Did a male really write the Op?

[Anonymous]

What kind of job does she have???

I can’t imagine a part time job that pays well after so many years out of the workforce. Anything that can scale to 10 to 15 hours a week is probably minimum wage or just above.

10 to 15 hours a week at minimum wage is just over 10K a YEAR. That’s not making a big change in college plans. (And after taxes in a high tax bracket, it’s definitely less than 10K.) I can see her perspective that working at this menial job every week is a lot of effort for no reward. It would make more sense to skip a beach vacation than for her to keep working at this job.

If you guys actually NEED money, you would be better off investing in a nursing program or another certification that she can ramp up and then get a real job in a year or two. It doesn’t really sound like you need money though. It sounds like you want her to work to make a point. It doesn’t sound like you respect her very much either, hence the comments about you ruining her life.

Here’s some free advice:

Divorce is a lot more expensive than marriage counseling. Try to be kind. And also, be realistic. You’re projecting a lot of issues on your wife having a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

+1

And whomever harps that raising teens is easier and less hours and less work is full of it.

The amount of emotional support, monitoring, guidance, and coaching they need in this world of online content, social media, finding sports & club programs, friend changes, dating or not, college tours, and keeping them grounded (or “based” as they say now), is not insignificant. At all.

I agree with this, but it’s about emotional intensity not about a number of hours. My high schoolers are incredibly busy and sometimes are out of the house for much longer than I am. So it is okay to ask what the wife is doing the rest of the time.

Also the kids are out of the school in a few years, why would anyone get to justify not working after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

Np. It sounds to me that she’s annoyed that all the money you earn from your job (that she’s been indirectly helping you earn) is “your money”. That’s why she says you ruined her life and you need to earn more. And that’s why she wants her own account. It sounds like you’re the gatekeeper for all the money and she feels powerless.

[Anonymous]

I am the SAHM PP. You had a weekly housekeeper too? Your wife is very entitled. Therapy and financial planner STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

Np. It sounds to me that she’s annoyed that all the money you earn from your job (that she’s been indirectly helping you earn) is “your money”. That’s why she says you ruined her life and you need to earn more. And that’s why she wants her own account. It sounds like you’re the gatekeeper for all the money and she feels powerless.

Oh gimme a break. Can I add my DH to my annual review at my job - his "helping" me meet my organizational goals and numbers? Unemployed or underemployed spouses are not helping us with our jobs. They simply don't work, or are underemployed. Some can afford it, awesome, some cannot afford it (OP's wife). When they are dramatic and whiney and want to live above their means, not helping

[Anonymous]

There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Not accurate. I did a ton of the household stuff, grocery shopping, organizing closets, cooking. Coached when they were young, was team manager, handled a ton of the scheduling have handled a good chunk of the college stuff and the majority of the travel for sports.

Our plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom until kids hit middle school, they she would get a job again, nothing high stress, but enough to contribute, in a perfect world something with health insurance and a decent retirement savings package. It didn’t happen until 10th grade and is now like 10 hours a week. So yes she has not kept up her end of what we discussed pre marriage and when we started having kids.

And the paychecks went into “her” account because she made it and it’s her money, zero of it went towards house, car, insurance, utilities. And then she was 1099’ed so the tax liabilities basically fell on me for “her” money fell on me.

It’s all a mess. Her family has strong history of ADHD and Narcisism, which I didn’t know about for quite a while and as she has gotten older the signs of both are much greater.

Can you please answer the question about WHAT generally her job is, and what percentage of your income it is? She likely is not capable of making all that much $ at this point? At least to a degree relevant to your overall financial picture.

It seems like you expected her to take 10+ years out of the workforce and then quickly get a good job again….which is generally not likely. At least not right away. Usually it will take some time to work your way back (at even a moderate level), and possibly retraining.

How did you even manage financially for so many years on one income, if your finances are so tight?! And why? In that scenario, she probably should not have ever been a SAHP in the first place. Most families with a long time SAHP tend to have a very high earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

So you would be ok with them berating their wife to keep working when the kids are young? Get real.