Spouse saying I ruined their life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be super annoyed if my husband expected me to work after 15 years of being a sahm. I mean, I would probably work anyway bc what else am I going to do, but if he pushed me about it? No way.

Where is your gratitude for this woman who presumably carried your three children, potty trained them, sleep trained them, raised them, planned your social life and family vacations, and kept your house? This is why women shouldn’t ever agree to stay home bc once all the hard work is done, their husband might turn on them like this ahole.

What?! Why? He's been working this whole time. What would you think if he said he'd be super annoyed if you expected him to continue working after he was the sole breadwinner for 15 years?

You did your job for 15 years, as did he. Why now should he be the only one working? Seriously, what planet do you women live on?

- a woman

DP and I work full time at a challenging and rewarding job. But I would not go back to work after a 15 year hiatus and work in some junior level position, and my husband would never expect me to. He’s “the only one working” because the experience of someone who is in their 50s with no career break and an at-home spouse is significantly different than the experience of someone who stepped out of the workforce and is just returning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Why do you get to sit down when your partner has been working the whole time too?

Because my husband has been sitting down the entire time doing his office job. Now it’s my turn to sit down

This^. Both were working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be super annoyed if my husband expected me to work after 15 years of being a sahm. I mean, I would probably work anyway bc what else am I going to do, but if he pushed me about it? No way.

Where is your gratitude for this woman who presumably carried your three children, potty trained them, sleep trained them, raised them, planned your social life and family vacations, and kept your house? This is why women shouldn’t ever agree to stay home bc once all the hard work is done, their husband might turn on them like this ahole.

What?! Why? He's been working this whole time. What would you think if he said he'd be super annoyed if you expected him to continue working after he was the sole breadwinner for 15 years?

You did your job for 15 years, as did he. Why now should he be the only one working? Seriously, what planet do you women live on?

- a woman

Super.

She can go work in an office for 40 hours paid a week plus lunch. And he can go work as a fulltime nanny/housekeeper/cook/teacher of young kids for 40 hours a week unpaid.

Sounds fair. Time for the switch. 15 years, go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be super annoyed if my husband expected me to work after 15 years of being a sahm. I mean, I would probably work anyway bc what else am I going to do, but if he pushed me about it? No way.

Where is your gratitude for this woman who presumably carried your three children, potty trained them, sleep trained them, raised them, planned your social life and family vacations, and kept your house? This is why women shouldn’t ever agree to stay home bc once all the hard work is done, their husband might turn on them like this ahole.

What?! Why? He's been working this whole time. What would you think if he said he'd be super annoyed if you expected him to continue working after he was the sole breadwinner for 15 years?

You did your job for 15 years, as did he. Why now should he be the only one working? Seriously, what planet do you women live on?

- a woman

DP and I work full time at a challenging and rewarding job. But I would not go back to work after a 15 year hiatus and work in some junior level position, and my husband would never expect me to. He’s “the only one working” because the experience of someone who is in their 50s with no career break and an at-home spouse is significantly different than the experience of someone who stepped out of the workforce and is just returning.

If people are planning to eventually go back to work, they are probably better off just staying in the workplace. Just hire as much help as you need and make sure both parents step up equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be super annoyed if my husband expected me to work after 15 years of being a sahm. I mean, I would probably work anyway bc what else am I going to do, but if he pushed me about it? No way.

Where is your gratitude for this woman who presumably carried your three children, potty trained them, sleep trained them, raised them, planned your social life and family vacations, and kept your house? This is why women shouldn’t ever agree to stay home bc once all the hard work is done, their husband might turn on them like this ahole.

What?! Why? He's been working this whole time. What would you think if he said he'd be super annoyed if you expected him to continue working after he was the sole breadwinner for 15 years?

You did your job for 15 years, as did he. Why now should he be the only one working? Seriously, what planet do you women live on?

- a woman

DP and I work full time at a challenging and rewarding job. But I would not go back to work after a 15 year hiatus and work in some junior level position, and my husband would never expect me to. He’s “the only one working” because the experience of someone who is in their 50s with no career break and an at-home spouse is significantly different than the experience of someone who stepped out of the workforce and is just returning.

If people are planning to eventually go back to work, they are probably better off just staying in the workplace. Just hire as much help as you need and make sure both parents step up equally.

Agreed. You don’t get to expect someone to rejoin the workforce at a level that funds college but never step up yourself for 15 years.

[Anonymous]

I am late to this thread, but I would like to know: When you decided to put your 3 kids in private school and enroll them in travel sports, did you have a conversation as a couple about the opportunity cost of doing that?

Because I’m guessing that you didn’t and that she assumed if you could pay for that then you could also pay for college. And you knew she assumed that. So if you didn’t tell her “Hey, if we put 3 kids in private school and you don’t go back to work now, we won’t be able to afford college, which means you’ll probably be forced to work then,” then you are getting exactly what anyone could have easily predicted.

Own your own role in this and apologize to your wife, empathize with her disappointments, and ask for her to craft a plan with you to move forward in a way she feels she can accept.

You enabled her into remaining childish, and now you have to share responsibility for that if you want to work through this.

[Anonymous]

I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

It's not easy getting a job at Costco! Why do people think that??

[Anonymous]

So many lazy sahms on dcum, of course they’d say that because she’s a woman she should never have to work again 🙄 predictable af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

This is the issue. A working mom isn’t “helping financially”, she’s paying for her own f***ing life. Just like a man isn’t “babysitting” when he cares for his own children.
Op, both of you are adults. If she doesn’t want to behave as one, she’s welcome to try her luck as a single gal in her 50s and see what life is actually like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still am not really understanding the financial picture here- you could afford private school and travel sports but not college? And you think your wife can easily make enough to be of help with college expenses after 15 years out of the workforce? Did you lose your health insurance or what have you been doing for insurance up until now?

Both of you have had it fairly easy all these years (she has, and so have you) - with the luxury of a stay at home parent. And you both overspent $ during this time, it seems.

When you are married, this type of stuff is the fault of BOTH of you.

Your wife should find a job working more than 10 hours/wk yes. And she should stop the overdramatics about you “ruining her life”. But she probably will not be making a lot of money and it isn’t going to change your financial situation much. You both need to discuss budgeting and cutting back on frivolous expenses (along with her working).

marriage counseling would probably be of help.

The wife can get a job at costco making like $45K. That will help pay for college a bit.

She is being dramatic and spoiled.

It's not easy getting a job at Costco! Why do people think that??

+1

My BIL (laid off engineer- single guy never married, late 50s) tried, and was eventually hired by Costco (and had to use some connections to even get the job) but was barely given any hours. He quit altogether before long. Fortunately he didn’t really need the $, as he has always been extremely thrifty. He eventually found something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

This is the issue. A working mom isn’t “helping financially”, she’s paying for her own f***ing life. Just like a man isn’t “babysitting” when he cares for his own children.
Op, both of you are adults. If she doesn’t want to behave as one, she’s welcome to try her luck as a single gal in her 50s and see what life is actually like

NP: and get half the assets and likely substantial alimony? I’m not sure that is the best solution for OP here.

Then again, it doesn’t sound like they were exactly big savers, so maybe there isn’t a lot to split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There do seem to be a lot of men who are more than happy for you to quit working with young kids and provide free childcare and handle all of the domestic labor.

Then you finally get a chance to sit down and they want you back at work asap.

Why do you get to sit down when your partner has been working the whole time too?

Because my husband has been sitting down the entire time doing his office job. Now it’s my turn to sit down

Hardly true. As a sahp you’ve been “sitting down” for years, now you want to continue “sitting down” for the rest of your life. All while the breadwinner has been working while kids were young, working while kids were in school, working while kids were gone to college. And you’ve been… sitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

This is the issue. A working mom isn’t “helping financially”, she’s paying for her own f***ing life. Just like a man isn’t “babysitting” when he cares for his own children.
Op, both of you are adults. If she doesn’t want to behave as one, she’s welcome to try her luck as a single gal in her 50s and see what life is actually like

NP: and get half the assets and likely substantial alimony? I’m not sure that is the best solution for OP here.

Then again, it doesn’t sound like they were exactly big savers, so maybe there isn’t a lot to split up.

People really need to stop relying on and expecting Lifetime alimony. You are going to be out on your a$$ in the cold if you think every woman is entitled to that.