Spouse saying I ruined their life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are marrried to an overgrown princess who is never going to grow up. Just treat her like the child she is.

+1. I was going to write something similar. Since I believe in equal opportunity call outs, I am sure she was like this from the beginning and at every step of the way and you enabled it. While I think your wife sounds awful, seems weird to draw the line at year 20 and not year 2.

It has been a work in progress and spending has gotten worse.

Only a portion of our friends are very wealthy we have plenty that are what I would consider average income for this area.

The helping out part, I have always cooked meals, driven kids, coached, team managed and paid a housekeeper for weekly cleaning.

Eh, you’ll have to put your share of all of that and more in the divorce settlement and mediation. Then alimony gets decides

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting to work and be like the other wealthy SAHM in your circle. But to tell you that you ruined her life is pretty ridiculous.

This.

At her age, 10 years of work is not a punishment. It's just being responsible. She agreed to have 3 kids.

No lives are ruined.

You might want to consider your kids getting summer jobs as well. To pay for college spending money and to avoid them being spoiled.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not clear what Op did for the household or child rearing/ development besides direct some of his paycheck there.

It doesn't matter at this point the kids are actually in high school.

So she had from her last kid going to kindergarten to 8th grade to relax. School age kids are out of the house at least 6 hours daily. My kids spend an addition 2 to 3 hours on whatever extracurricular. What was she doing with her time then? Unless she homeschooling, she had a break.

She needs to work or understand how her friends hard work led to their positive futures.

[Anonymous]

Leave her alone and be grateful she bore ypu 3 kids AND works part time. You're a real piece of work op.

[Anonymous]

*you

[Anonymous]

So contact the divorce attorney yourself? I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, blathering on that I had "ruined their life." No thanks.

[Anonymous]

What sort of work does your wife do, OP? Is it related to her education or work before kids?

I went back to work after being in a similar situation to what you’re describing and frankly, it sucks, but I do it to help out financially. I had to start at the bottom and am slowly working my way back up basically being the office mule. This is after spending most of my adult life supporting DH in his career with our family relocating multiple times allowing him to build an executive-level profile. He’s where he wants to be career-wise and I’m starting from scratch reporting to people 20 years younger who act like they have all the answers.

To all the people who talk about the OPs spouse having so much time to relax, yes, it is easier being a stay at home spouse, but I wouldn’t call it relaxing. OP has 3 kids. That’s a crap ton of work.

Regardless, OP’s spouse is out of line saying that he ruined her life. It sounds like they lead a pretty privileged life and she’s taking it for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are marrried to an overgrown princess who is never going to grow up. Just treat her like the child she is.

+1. I was going to write something similar. Since I believe in equal opportunity call outs, I am sure she was like this from the beginning and at every step of the way and you enabled it. While I think your wife sounds awful, seems weird to draw the line at year 20 and not year 2.

It has been a work in progress and spending has gotten worse.

Only a portion of our friends are very wealthy we have plenty that are what I would consider average income for this area.

The helping out part, I have always cooked meals, driven kids, coached, team managed and paid a housekeeper for weekly cleaning.

The problem isn’t her working or not, or your feelings about her hurtful way of expressing her disappointment. The problem is that she has unmet expectations and apparently feels no agency or responsibility in changing things.

I’d call her bluff. Next time she says it, say “you don’t want to feel like I’m ruining your life and I don’t want to hear you blaming me. Which one of us is moving out? If you don’t want to, I will”

[Anonymous]

OP I’m on your side generally, and think your wife is being ridiculous.

But did she actually get a well paying job (one that makes any difference to family finances) after being out of the workforce that long?

I went back to work a few years ago when my youngest was in 7th grade (because I wanted to…what else would I do all day?) - but my pay doesn’t make any difference at all to income, really. I work 32hrs/wk at a non profit I enjoy (transitioned after volunteering for years) but the pay is very low. My DH doesn’t care what I do one way or the other.

Does she make a significant contribution income wise with this job? If not, is there a different job she would be better suited for?

[Anonymous]

Both of you need to grow up and do budgeting to cut down wants if she really wants to stay home. If friends are too wealthy to keep up with, you need new friends or new attitude. Nobody can have it all.

[Anonymous]

You both know it that neither of you is willing to divorce, just whine about each other. Might as well use divorce lawyer money for a marriage counseling retreat. Midlife/menopause/empty nesting combo can make anyone behave in weird manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not clear what Op did for the household or child rearing/ development besides direct some of his paycheck there.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op can whine all he wants.
He had a spouse holding down the fort at home, kids, trips, schedules, health, holidays, social events, school, sports, and college apps…. so all he had to really focus on what his work and career advancements. And show up for some tasks and events here and there - like a 7pm pick up or weekend game.

That’s what courts will see and know happened for 20.

OP can either figure out why his wife is actually upset or keep whining.

Exhibit A why you don't get married, fellas. It'll always be your fault no matter what you do. No "courts" over here.

[Anonymous]

What job did she get after 20 years out of the workforce? If you’re expecting her to work something menial and comparing it to your job which she enabled then she has a point. If she is in a fulfilling and respectable role, you may have a point.

But if 10-15 hours per week at the job is making a difference to your ability to fund college for your kids something is up.