Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Therapy LOL. He doesn’t need to talk about himself. He needs to stop having sex and sexting.

Yes, he does need to stop - and he also needs therapy to figure out why he did it so he does not do it again.

Who cares what he does post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

As someone who also has 6 best friends of more than 20 years, you might want to consider which one is the least judgmental and can take a secret to the grace. That person might be worth confiding in. One woman in my group’s husband cheated years ago. As far as I know, I’m the only one in the group that knows. I have never, ever told another member of the group. For all I know, she may have told all 6 of us, but none of us have discussed it. This was over 15 years ago and not a peep about it. And really, I would trust any of them if I asked them not to confide in the others. Your group may be different but it is worth considering.

[Anonymous]

Just remember that he has been hiding this for literal YEARS. This did not happen last week.

I would be done with him. Years of lying is just the ultimate disrespect. Respect is the foundation of happy marriage. Not sex, not parenting, RESPECT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember that he has been hiding this for literal YEARS. This did not happen last week.

I would be done with him. Years of lying is just the ultimate disrespect. Respect is the foundation of happy marriage. Not sex, not parenting, RESPECT.

This is the piece I'm trying to wrap my head around. Like, years. I keep telling him to leave me alone, he had years to prepare for this moment and it was dropped on my like a bomb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

As someone who also has 6 best friends of more than 20 years, you might want to consider which one is the least judgmental and can take a secret to the grace. That person might be worth confiding in. One woman in my group’s husband cheated years ago. As far as I know, I’m the only one in the group that knows. I have never, ever told another member of the group. For all I know, she may have told all 6 of us, but none of us have discussed it. This was over 15 years ago and not a peep about it. And really, I would trust any of them if I asked them not to confide in the others. Your group may be different but it is worth considering.

Thanks, this is helpful to hear. Is your friend still with her husband who cheated? My top choice best friend to tell is really, really deep in the throws of infertility right now and I just don't know if I want to drop my issues on her/I don't think she has much emotional support to lend at the moment (understandably). May tell my second choice, but not sure yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

DP - I agree with keeping it close. I have a very close girlfriend who confides in me and it’s incredibly hard not to judge her DH. I can’t stand him at this point, frankly, no matter how much “work” he’s done. Treating her like trash isn’t okay.

As for telling your kids, that’s a thornier issue. Ignorance isn’t always bliss because kids can tell that something’s up and often make up ideas (usually blaming themselves) when they don’t know the truth. I don’t love that my father’s infidelity ultimately led to my parents’ divorce, but I appreciate that they were honest about it.

The kids knowing is so overblown, especially when they are babies, toddlers, very young, etc. If they work through this as a couple now in therapy and learn to communicate and come out stronger, the kids are never going to know.

And let me tell you so many tweens and teens are so wrapped up in their own lives--unless you are resorting to arguing about it in front of them, leaving stuff around, they would have no idea or care why mom is mad at dad, etc.

I had a very, very happy childhood. My parents were married for 52 years until my dad died. I remember one or two fights when I was a tween, where one parent was mad at the other. I have zero idea what it was about and they comforted me afterwards---could my dad have cheated--I would tell you very unlikely because he truly loved my mom and us kids---but I don't know and I'm glad if someone did I was never made privvy to it.

Yeah, I have heard my tween come to me and tell me about two of their friends' parents' affairs. One of the said their parents doesn't know that she knows. Kids do very much care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

DP - I agree with keeping it close. I have a very close girlfriend who confides in me and it’s incredibly hard not to judge her DH. I can’t stand him at this point, frankly, no matter how much “work” he’s done. Treating her like trash isn’t okay.

As for telling your kids, that’s a thornier issue. Ignorance isn’t always bliss because kids can tell that something’s up and often make up ideas (usually blaming themselves) when they don’t know the truth. I don’t love that my father’s infidelity ultimately led to my parents’ divorce, but I appreciate that they were honest about it.

The kids knowing is so overblown, especially when they are babies, toddlers, very young, etc. If they work through this as a couple now in therapy and learn to communicate and come out stronger, the kids are never going to know.

And let me tell you so many tweens and teens are so wrapped up in their own lives--unless you are resorting to arguing about it in front of them, leaving stuff around, they would have no idea or care why mom is mad at dad, etc.

I had a very, very happy childhood. My parents were married for 52 years until my dad died. I remember one or two fights when I was a tween, where one parent was mad at the other. I have zero idea what it was about and they comforted me afterwards---could my dad have cheated--I would tell you very unlikely because he truly loved my mom and us kids---but I don't know and I'm glad if someone did I was never made privvy to it.

Yeah, I have heard my tween come to me and tell me about two of their friends' parents' affairs. One of the said their parents doesn't know that she knows. Kids do very much care.

Yes. Of course they care, it's traumatizing. But, two kids know. Two kids your daughter knows. I didn't know about a single affair growing up until the divorces and Mrs. Smith moved in with Mr. Brown, etc.

I would not tell a kid if they didn't know and hadn't even asked. There is zero need to burden children with that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember that he has been hiding this for literal YEARS. This did not happen last week.

I would be done with him. Years of lying is just the ultimate disrespect. Respect is the foundation of happy marriage. Not sex, not parenting, RESPECT.

This is the piece I'm trying to wrap my head around. Like, years. I keep telling him to leave me alone, he had years to prepare for this moment and it was dropped on my like a bomb.

Yep. That is so understandable. Many cheaters have already come to grips with it. Many are completely over the person they had it with and glad to be done, BUT you are right--he has known about this from Day1 and knows every single fact. He lived it.

You got whacked on the side of the head from nowhere. I had a friend whose spouse confessed. He had broken off an affair and come clean and done therapy the months leading up to the confession and really did not like the person he had it with, like repulsed at the end--but his wife just found out. She wasn't there. His emotions may be over and he's 100% ready for change and commitment. But, correct, it's 'hey slow down, buddy. I'm not even sure what I want I literally can't see straight or think. My mind is literally swimming and my heart is racing. I'm in serious trauma here."

That's why you take things slow like you are doing, OP. You sound very strong and you are going to be okay. I know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

As someone who also has 6 best friends of more than 20 years, you might want to consider which one is the least judgmental and can take a secret to the grace. That person might be worth confiding in. One woman in my group’s husband cheated years ago. As far as I know, I’m the only one in the group that knows. I have never, ever told another member of the group. For all I know, she may have told all 6 of us, but none of us have discussed it. This was over 15 years ago and not a peep about it. And really, I would trust any of them if I asked them not to confide in the others. Your group may be different but it is worth considering.

Thanks, this is helpful to hear. Is your friend still with her husband who cheated? My top choice best friend to tell is really, really deep in the throws of infertility right now and I just don't know if I want to drop my issues on her/I don't think she has much emotional support to lend at the moment (understandably). May tell my second choice, but not sure yet.

No, she divorced. But she really would have worked it out if she could. And I would have supported her in whatever her choice. He ended up leaving her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

DP - I agree with keeping it close. I have a very close girlfriend who confides in me and it’s incredibly hard not to judge her DH. I can’t stand him at this point, frankly, no matter how much “work” he’s done. Treating her like trash isn’t okay.

As for telling your kids, that’s a thornier issue. Ignorance isn’t always bliss because kids can tell that something’s up and often make up ideas (usually blaming themselves) when they don’t know the truth. I don’t love that my father’s infidelity ultimately led to my parents’ divorce, but I appreciate that they were honest about it.

The kids knowing is so overblown, especially when they are babies, toddlers, very young, etc. If they work through this as a couple now in therapy and learn to communicate and come out stronger, the kids are never going to know.

And let me tell you so many tweens and teens are so wrapped up in their own lives--unless you are resorting to arguing about it in front of them, leaving stuff around, they would have no idea or care why mom is mad at dad, etc.

I had a very, very happy childhood. My parents were married for 52 years until my dad died. I remember one or two fights when I was a tween, where one parent was mad at the other. I have zero idea what it was about and they comforted me afterwards---could my dad have cheated--I would tell you very unlikely because he truly loved my mom and us kids---but I don't know and I'm glad if someone did I was never made privvy to it.

Kindly, if you were raised in a “very, very happy” home and with parents who sound like they had one of the most amicable marriages ever, your opinion on this matter is not useful. What you describe is not relevant to the OP’s situation. Expert guidance in cases of divorce is to provide an age-appropriate, honest explanation of the reasons for divorce.

Further, how would you know what kids observe or attend to when their parents have unhappy marriages? You weren’t raised in that setting. In these cases, kids can’t stay blissfully ignorant to whatever is going on in their parents’ marriage. Even without frequent arguing, if the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, trust me, kids know.

Now, it sounds like the OP’s marriage *thus far* has been very low-conflict, but that changed (abruptly, for which I’m very sorry, OP - it freaking sucks). But she may not have that from here on out, and so the fairy tale upbringing and marriage you describe your parents having doesn’t matter in this case.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

I think this is a good first step, regardless of where you end up. It’ seems hopeful that you can make decisions with your kids wellbeing in mind. I will say, though, that his attitude could change at any time, so just keep your guard up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

To the bolded - I would think of what he did as many, many horrible things. The initial infidelity, of course. Also: every time he interacted with her over the past three years. Every time he thought about telling you but didn’t. Every time he declined to spend time with you so he could spend it texting. So, it’s not The Mistake, it’s a series of many, many mistakes.

I’m not saying that to rub it in for anyone, but to highlight the magnitude of what he’s done, which he still doesn’t seem to grasp even while he says all the right things. I want to slap him for asking you for a hug (though I COMPLETELY understand why you let him - zero judgment there).

Personally, I’d insist he start individual therapy before I agreed to begin couples. Otherwise, it’s too big a risk of you doing more of the work. I know that could delay things somewhat, but whatever. You have your individual therapist for support, which is great. He can stew a bit before you agree to do the back-breaking work of couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just so terrible.

I would be careful what he says about what he will provide you if you divorce. He is feeling terrible now and is promising things but this could change if you make it clear you are no longer willing to stay married to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'd love to get some opinions on this.

DH came to me this afternoon and made it very clear he's all in and will do anything to work it out. However, he said that he doesn't want me to worry about the alternative. He said that if I chose divorce he will make it as easy on me as possible. He said that he was thinking of ways that I can stay in the house with him paying for it or we can sell the house and I can choose a more manageable house for myself and he will see that it gets paid for if that means giving me all the equity from our current house, alimony, him getting a second job, etc. He said that outside of this big horrible thing, every decision he's made in the last 15 years has been done so with the intent of giving me a happy life and the kids a strong foundation, great school district, and loving family. He said that even if I chose divorce he will still continue to make choices to support those goals. He said that this was The Mistake of his life and I have always been very clear about my standards and he logically knows that as much as he wants me to stay, he cannot expect me to comprise my values. He said he is thankful for the chance at therapy together and that I can have full agency to make the choices for my future since I did not have any agency to make informed choices over the last few years. He said that he will not fight me on anything. He will do his absolute best to make me genuinely want to try to work it out, but if I don't he will respect my choices. Then he asked if he can hug me (we have not touched at all since I found out) and I let him.

My mind hurts. My heart hurts.

I think this is a good first step, regardless of where you end up. It’ seems hopeful that you can make decisions with your kids wellbeing in mind. I will say, though, that his attitude could change at any time, so just keep your guard up.

Agree. His promises and his attitude will last as long as he, or his AP or next girlfriend, want them to.