Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all. The sexting included pics and videos on both ends. For 3 years. Idk. My head is all over the place. Though I did dress up extra for work today and walk out of the house like a boss to my fav coffee shop

YES! That's the way you do it, girl! Baby, you're worth it! Hugs!

She wants to look like the manager of a coffee shop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still remember the pain of those early days. You will get through this, OP, whatever you decide.

I divorced after cheating. I will say, glad I’m not married to my former spouse, but hate divorced life every day for my kid. Constant back and forth, difficult relationship with new step-parent, divided holidays, 50% of my time with my kid gone. Terrible for the kid, and still a constant source of angst for me, many years later.

I want to be really clear that I’m not saying staying married is always better than the divorce situation described here - absolutely sometimes it’s hard to be divorced with kids AND it’s still better than staying with your spouse. But what PP describes here is why I stayed. In my particular situation, I decided staying and working it out as best we could was better than the description of divorced life here. That’s why I say to people in this situation to think really hard before making any decisions. With kids, you do not have the option to draw a line and ride off happily into a new life without the ex. Your choice is basically what PP describes above or staying with a spouse who has cheated. Only you can say which is better, but neither is great, at least for a little while.

I think this is an excellent way to look at it. I was never a big therapy person but one thing that really solidified what course I was going to take after the affair was when during a therapy session, my therapist asked me to envision my life in two scenarios. One in which you stay in the marriage, do extensive therapy, live with the betrayal (you will never completely forget it), and try to build something new and hopefully stronger from the aftermath of this horrible event. (This assumes that your partner is willing to take whatever it takes to make you comfortable staying). The second scenario is to look at your life divorced and look at ALL of it--financial consequences, shuffling back and forth, emotional turmoil on kids, would you have to move? Imagine what you are doing on weekends when you don't have the kids, do you have family support close by, true friends to lean on, etc, career. I actually wrote this all out and it was a really helpful exercise.

My therapist said that in some cases her clients were immediately clear about what they wanted to do, with or without the cheating, some marriages were so miserable that even with all the negative consequences of divorce, the clients felt a sense of peace from just envisioning a life without their spouse. Many of these marriages involved chronic cheating, addiction issues, abuse, or just prolonged fighting within the house. This was not the case in my marriage, we were far from perfect before my DH's affair but there was definitely love, peace, and a happy family life overall. Even though my initial instinct was to separate immediately, when I did a real assessment, there was no way I could honestly say that my children would be better off with a divorce in our particular situation. Now, the calculus for me changes of course if this ever happened again or is an unchangeable character flaw. There are no second chances and I have taken steps to protect myself if that was to happen. (post-nup, ramped up career, built separate network).

The point of this long post is really that every situation is truly different. Affairs are an intense source of betrayal and if you had asked me 20 years ago what I would have done, I'd have laughed and said that I had way too much pride and self-respect to stay with a cheater. When you are older and kids are involved, decisions are rarely that simple anymore. Only you can decide with some investigation, introspection, and therapy whether this marriage is worth saving and whether you think something like this would happen again. I'm shocked at how many marriages I know who have been rocked my mid-life affairs. These are not men who seemed like horrible guys or acted like douches with their wives. Some have survived and the couples seem genuinely happen, others divorced and those were really the ones where one of the spouses was unwilling or incapable of changing behavior. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself first during this awful time!

Good advice here. Definitely the first calculation is whether this is an unchangeable character flaw. If not, then weighing the two futures on offer is the next step.

There was a point when I hit a wall with my DH after his affair. It wasn't even necessarily the affair stuff; it was that the clueless selfishness that led to him cheating meant that everything was terribly imbalanced. I was like, hey buddy, I did the math, and I would have more time to myself and less stress if we were divorced. He got the picture and made some huge shifts. That was the only time when imagining divorce brought me any sort of peace; usually it just makes me feel sad and lonely.

DP - obviously the bolded is critical, but it’s not something that’s quickly ascertained.

I also think the thought experiment of staying together vs. divorce has to include the longer-term potential benefits of divorce, not just the short-term upheaval. Plenty of people who divorce do heal, their kids adjust, they find meaningful activities on weekends when they don’t have the kids, etc. One of the most well-adjusted people I know divorced when her son was a toddler because her then H wasn’t pulling his weight. Years later, her son is a thriving college freshman, she has a terrific boyfriend and an amazing career, etc. Of course she went through a lot to get there, but she got there.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Another day. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

[Anonymous]

OP, how many days have you made it so far? Probably more than you thought you would! You can do today too!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many days have you made it so far? Probably more than you thought you would! You can do today too!!

Thank you. 8 days so far. I'm eager to not feel like a shell of a person for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

DP - I agree with keeping it close. I have a very close girlfriend who confides in me and it’s incredibly hard not to judge her DH. I can’t stand him at this point, frankly, no matter how much “work” he’s done. Treating her like trash isn’t okay.

As for telling your kids, that’s a thornier issue. Ignorance isn’t always bliss because kids can tell that something’s up and often make up ideas (usually blaming themselves) when they don’t know the truth. I don’t love that my father’s infidelity ultimately led to my parents’ divorce, but I appreciate that they were honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

+1

[Anonymous]

Therapy LOL. He doesn’t need to talk about himself. He needs to stop having sex and sexting.

Yes, he does need to stop - and he also needs therapy to figure out why he did it so he does not do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are both home with Flu B. Was off work for 2 weeks for vacation and have been in a fog this week. Need to protect my job.

One day at a time. Do you have a close non-judgmental friend to confide in? I didn't so it was just my therapist and me. I had friends but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Have you decided on a therapist yet?
Thinking of you still every day. It's been 30 years but all the feelings are still there, just not as raw. It will get better. These first months are the hardest.

I have 6 best friends of 20+ years but I haven't told anyone yet. I'm feeling a ton of embarrassment and shame. Luckily, I do have a wonderful therapist that I've been seeing off and on for 15 years. She made an extra appt for me yesterday and it did feel good to confide in her. We found a couples therapist and are starting next week. My therapist send me a rec of a colleague of hers for my DH to do individual therapy sp hopefully that works out too.

It's wise to keep it close to your chest. You may regret telling some if you choose to reconcile and people will never forget or look at your husband the same, even if he was severely remorseful and changed through therapy. There are also your kids to think about. The more people that know, the more likely your kids will find out at some point. Your kids are very young so they will have no idea as they grow up that this happened which is better for them if you read the statistics on kids that know about infidelity in their parents' marriage.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Keep this private until you decide what your future will look like. Family and close friends will never forget and won't be able to have a normal, close relationship with your spouse. If you can keep this from your children forever, do it. That will be impossible if you talk to your family and close friends. My daughters knowing, not details, but knowing has definitely affected them, especially as adults.

DP - I agree with keeping it close. I have a very close girlfriend who confides in me and it’s incredibly hard not to judge her DH. I can’t stand him at this point, frankly, no matter how much “work” he’s done. Treating her like trash isn’t okay.

As for telling your kids, that’s a thornier issue. Ignorance isn’t always bliss because kids can tell that something’s up and often make up ideas (usually blaming themselves) when they don’t know the truth. I don’t love that my father’s infidelity ultimately led to my parents’ divorce, but I appreciate that they were honest about it.

The kids knowing is so overblown, especially when they are babies, toddlers, very young, etc. If they work through this as a couple now in therapy and learn to communicate and come out stronger, the kids are never going to know.

And let me tell you so many tweens and teens are so wrapped up in their own lives--unless you are resorting to arguing about it in front of them, leaving stuff around, they would have no idea or care why mom is mad at dad, etc.

I had a very, very happy childhood. My parents were married for 52 years until my dad died. I remember one or two fights when I was a tween, where one parent was mad at the other. I have zero idea what it was about and they comforted me afterwards---could my dad have cheated--I would tell you very unlikely because he truly loved my mom and us kids---but I don't know and I'm glad if someone did I was never made privvy to it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I don't plan on telling the kid anything. If it comes out when they are adults or they point blank ask me as adults I may tell the truth.