Lack of trust after sexual assault

[Anonymous]

I was sexually assaulted a few years ago. alcohol was involved - I was intoxicated and I also may have been drugged but didnt have a tox screen after it happened so no proof of that. At the time I was - and still am - married. After it happened, i drank very infrequently (and in moderation) for a number of years,and currently don't drink hardly at all ( 1 glass of wine in last 6 months) At the time of the event, my husband insisted I go to hospital, report it to the cops, etc. which I did. Got as far as a photo array, in which I correctly identified the assailant. But my story was bad, so the case was dropped - no charges brought, no arrests, nothing. Anyway, that was bad enough, but then and ever since my husband has said he has "trust issues" with me. U It is very very hard for me to hear him say that without hearing it as blame. He also said things at the time - in anger - like what was I thinking, how could I have been out like that, why was I so stupid, etc. I'm trying to work through this - in therapy now - but just really struggling with it. Also, something like this happened to me many years ago when I was in highschool. The kind of thing you hear about on the news these days. I thank God every single day that social media didn't dxist back then. It was horrible - the public shaming at school was very difficult for me. My husband doesn't know about this. We have had conversations about the similar recent events that have been on the news - and he is someone who has the view that, no the girl is not to blame per se but she was stupid so what did she expect. I don't share that view - intellectually - but of course emotionally I haven't healed from either event and am still in a place of shame and self blame. I'm afraid to tell him about what happened to me in high school - but also feel like maybe I should so he can understand why this has been so difficult for me and also because I feel like he doesn't know about something that is a big part of who I am and how I relate to him and the world. I'm scared and ashamed. Afraid he will judge me as he has before and that I will feel even more alone than I do now. Not sure what I'm asking for in this post - guess somehow just putting it out in the world helps - even (especially) if it is anonymously.

[Anonymous]

I think he WILL judge you for whatever happened in high school. Don't tell him right now. He needs therapy too.

I agree with him that you were stupid to get drunk in public. But your "punishment" for that should not have been sexual assault. You need to get mentally stronger and then your husband needs to go to therapy or couples therapy with you, with a male therapist.

[Anonymous]

I was assaulted under similar circumstances but never involved the police. Some people will question you and it is awful that your husband is that person. I would suggest discussing with a counselor individually then eventually involve him. While it sounds like he is blaming you he also may be blaming himself and not expressing it very well. Meaning he wished he could have prevented it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he WILL judge you for whatever happened in high school. Don't tell him right now. He needs therapy too.

I agree with him that you were stupid to get drunk in public. But your "punishment" for that should not have been sexual assault. You need to get mentally stronger and then your husband needs to go to therapy or couples therapy with you, with a male therapist.

OP here - Why a male therapist? Is it stupid for men to get drunk in public? If a man gets drunk and then is mugged walking home from the bar, does the fact that he was drunk feature in the conversation? I'm trying to be open to your words because I realize that the world can be more dangerous for women and so we have to be careful. And it just makes me angry that this is where the conversation goes - because believe me. I'm already doing enough of that inner dialogue. From my husband, if he thinks that, OK. But it is the very last thing I need to hear from him. from you, ok, you are a stranger to me so it doesn't hurt so much. It's a fact. But I appreciate the advice and honesty. It's true - I was stupid. And of course I didn't deserve that. Either time. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was assaulted under similar circumstances but never involved the police. Some people will question you and it is awful that your husband is that person. I would suggest discussing with a counselor individually then eventually involve him. While it sounds like he is blaming you he also may be blaming himself and not expressing it very well. Meaning he wished he could have prevented it.

I think you are right - it is coming from a place of love from him. He worries about me and wishes it would never have happened and that he could have stopped it. By involving cops, he wanted to make it right and restore my honor. I knew it would work out the way it did, wasn't surprised at all that prosecuter didn't pursue the case. I was actually relieved. The hospital and cop process was horrifying and felt like another rape. He didn't understand that I then and I'm not sure that he does now. I really really didn't want to go - he basically bullied me into it. I love him and this whole thing has just been an extreme stress on our relationship. I hope therapy helps. I've been in sessions for several months now and we had our first couples session 2 weeks ago. It went ok, though he told me beforehand that he doesn't want to talk about this in couples. So we will see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was assaulted under similar circumstances but never involved the police. Some people will question you and it is awful that your husband is that person. I would suggest discussing with a counselor individually then eventually involve him. While it sounds like he is blaming you he also may be blaming himself and not expressing it very well. Meaning he wished he could have prevented it.

Also - I'm so sorry that happened to you too. I hope you have found a place of healing and love. There are too many who share this story. Love, OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I want to encourage you to SERIOUSLY consider asking Jeff to delete this thread. Not because I think it's an unimportant topic, or because I disagree with you. Because I feel like you are going to read a lot of responses from the misogynistic, ignorant rape-apologists of DCUM and reading them may really hurt you. I was sexually assaulted under similar circumstances last summer and I still need to avoid all mention of sexual assault in facebook articles, the news, threads on DCUM etc.

My advice really boils down to what's been said above: discuss all the issues you've mentioned here in therapy (especially the assault in high school) and then involve your husband. The way he's talking to you now is harmful and you deserve to hear better than that. You weren't at fault in either of your assaults. Women are allowed to get drunk in public. If you found someone who had slipped on ice and was unconscious, you wouldn't assault them. There is no important difference between those two situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

I think your husband just feels very hurt and probably has a lot of regrets about what happened to you like he should've been there, you shouldn't have partied by yourself like you were not married, you shouldn't have been drinking, he should've protected you from the wrong people, you should've been smarter, you couldve gotten pregnant, gotten an std, etc. If you both attend therapy you'd both have to reveal everything you feel and what happened to you in the past. Since this happened before though it is puzzling to me why you wouldn't take precaution again?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you were attacked. Your husband's reaction makes things worse for you. Your post focuses on his feelings and trying to understand and respond to them. Not to disregard his feelings, but the victim of an assault should be focusing on recovering from her trauma. Primarily, at any rate. The way you describe your post-rape dynamic, it almost seems that he's the recovering victim, rather than you.

If you'd made a driving error - say, you'd driven through a stop sign - and that was a factor contributing to your being in the path of a speeding drunk driver who then hit and injured you, would you think it's reasonable for your DH to say he has trust issues with you in the aftermath of that accident? People do stupid things, and you admit you did stupid things the night you were attacked. That doesn't make you complicit in the crime that was committed against you. His report of "trust issues" in your marriage following a rape is troubling. His insistence on your going through with the horrible post-rape legal process when you didn't want to is also troubling.

I feel for you. You seem to be in a difficult place. Intensive therapy will hopefully help you gain some perspective, and perhaps some answers, with regard to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

DH husband here. If your factual statement is concise, then your husband is the one with issues if he cannot love and support you through this.....

I wondered reading it if he is from a very different culture, or if perhaps you are omitting something.

Wishing you healing and grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I want to encourage you to SERIOUSLY consider asking Jeff to delete this thread. Not because I think it's an unimportant topic, or because I disagree with you. Because I feel like you are going to read a lot of responses from the misogynistic, ignorant rape-apologists of DCUM and reading them may really hurt you. I was sexually assaulted under similar circumstances last summer and I still need to avoid all mention of sexual assault in facebook articles, the news, threads on DCUM etc.

My advice really boils down to what's been said above: discuss all the issues you've mentioned here in therapy (especially the assault in high school) and then involve your husband. The way he's talking to you now is harmful and you deserve to hear better than that. You weren't at fault in either of your assaults. Women are allowed to get drunk in public. If you found someone who had slipped on ice and was unconscious, you wouldn't assault them. There is no important difference between those two situations.

Op here - thank you. And I am so so sorry this happened to you too. I think I'm ok to hear the responses - now. 2 years ago, no way. The reality is that people out there think this way and that is something I will always have to deal with. I just never wanted to have to deal with it in my own home.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Honestly, I think you should let your "DH" go. You need compassion and support. He's blaming you for being assaulted. That's pretty horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

I think your husband just feels very hurt and probably has a lot of regrets about what happened to you like he should've been there, you shouldn't have partied by yourself like you were not married, you shouldn't have been drinking, he should've protected you from the wrong people, you should've been smarter, you couldve gotten pregnant, gotten an std, etc. If you both attend therapy you'd both have to reveal everything you feel and what happened to you in the past. Since this happened before though it is puzzling to me why you wouldn't take precaution again?

Op here - I know he felt and maybe still feels all those things because he told me that at the time. Your last line is exactly why I fear telling him about the high school event. It was 20 years ago under totally different circumstances. You are practically quoting my DH - are you him? Makes the case for me that I probably should say nothing - at least now while I myself am still recovering from both traumas - and maybe always. Which just makes me so terribly sad. I should also mention we have two children - a girl and a boy. I feel a real responsibility to teach them well and equip them with the right decision making tools so that my son knows to love and cherish women as if they were a sister, daughter, mother and never ever do what was done to me. And for my daughter to instill the wisdom, confidence, self respect and compassion so that hopefully this never happens to her and if for some terrible reason it does that she maintain all of those traits - especially the last 2. At a high level, I know my DH and I want to send the same message. It's in the details, of course. So that worries me.