Lack of trust after sexual assault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


DH husband here. If your factual statement is concise, then your husband is the one with issues if he cannot love and support you through this.....

I wondered reading it if he is from a very different culture, or if perhaps you are omitting something.

Wishing you healing and grace.

I agree with this poster. 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you were attacked. Your husband's reaction makes things worse for you. Your post focuses on his feelings and trying to understand and respond to them. Not to disregard his feelings, but the victim of an assault should be focusing on recovering from her trauma. Primarily, at any rate. The way you describe your post-rape dynamic, it almost seems that he's the recovering victim, rather than you.

If you'd made a driving error - say, you'd driven through a stop sign - and that was a factor contributing to your being in the path of a speeding drunk driver who then hit and injured you, would you think it's reasonable for your DH to say he has trust issues with you in the aftermath of that accident? People do stupid things, and you admit you did stupid things the night you were attacked. That doesn't make you complicit in the crime that was committed against you. His report of "trust issues" in your marriage following a rape is troubling. His insistence on your going through with the horrible post-rape legal process when you didn't want to is also troubling.

I feel for you. You seem to be in a difficult place. Intensive therapy will hopefully help you gain some perspective, and perhaps some answers, with regard to your marriage.

Op here. Thank you. It is easier for me to focus on my DH than myself, I suppose. Because the truth is i do blame myself and I do feel like I should have known better given what happened to me before. There is a lot of "evidence" in the way society views this issue to support this negative view of myself. My husband does love and support me in many ways - and in this one aspect of our history together I do feel like he was focused on himself and how the event impacted him in all this - hence the trust issues type comments. Therapy will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

I think your husband just feels very hurt and probably has a lot of regrets about what happened to you like he should've been there, you shouldn't have partied by yourself like you were not married, you shouldn't have been drinking, he should've protected you from the wrong people, you should've been smarter, you couldve gotten pregnant, gotten an std, etc. If you both attend therapy you'd both have to reveal everything you feel and what happened to you in the past. Since this happened before though it is puzzling to me why you wouldn't take precaution again?

Op here - I know he felt and maybe still feels all those things because he told me that at the time. Your last line is exactly why I fear telling him about the high school event. It was 20 years ago under totally different circumstances. You are practically quoting my DH - are you him? Makes the case for me that I probably should say nothing - at least now while I myself am still recovering from both traumas - and maybe always. Which just makes me so terribly sad. I should also mention we have two children - a girl and a boy. I feel a real responsibility to teach them well and equip them with the right decision making tools so that my son knows to love and cherish women as if they were a sister, daughter, mother and never ever do what was done to me. And for my daughter to instill the wisdom, confidence, self respect and compassion so that hopefully this never happens to her and if for some terrible reason it does that she maintain all of those traits - especially the last 2. At a high level, I know my DH and I want to send the same message. It's in the details, of course. So that worries me.

Well I am just trying to see it from the husband's viewpoint because most guys are more emotional than women deep down hence their often hurt ego and this definitely hurt him too and he is probably trying to heal from this too because he is probably blaming himself and you. I would say you can not look backwards towards the past only forward and you need to start healing yourself now from the past skeletons. That the previous incidence happened and happened again might be that you have personal issues to resolve before you can move forward and get the courage with telling your husband, healing and talking to therapists with him.

[Anonymous]

I am a NP, also a DH. Unless there is more to the story, which I am not suggesting, your DH is an embarrassment to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

I hope I would. Those are all very accurate statements. Hopefully I could put aside my hurt and focus on her more significant concerns. But I can't say for sure. My insecurity about whether she finds me fun and attractive is probably the biggest Achilles heel in our otherwise excellent marriage. Sex is how I feel loved and our sex life is pretty tepid. So a scenario where our sex life gets messed up even further due to a situation about which I might be jealous anyway would fuel all kinds of toxic emotions. So, doing what I need to do and being a responsible husband could possibly be easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know how to say this strongly enough but your husband's attitude is emotionally abusive. How can you be expected to heal from this horrible, traumatic experience if you are living with someone who judges you and treats you in this way? That is NOT love. It is his job to support you and love you and help you get better and instead he is emotionally beating you up for this. Why are people on this thread making excuses for him? There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior.

Please do not tell him about your earlier assault. If you can get him to get therapy, maybe it will help but the bottom line is that YOU need to take care of yourself and heal and he is making that impossible by blaming you and causing you shame. I want to cry. This just makes me so sad. I would not stay with a man like this but you love him so maybe he can be helped. I don't know. Just please get yourself some help and real support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


DH husband here. If your factual statement is concise, then your husband is the one with issues if he cannot love and support you through this.....

I wondered reading it if he is from a very different culture, or if perhaps you are omitting something.

Wishing you healing and grace.

I agree with this poster. 100%.

Op here - thank you. I think he loves and supports me at s deep level, but obviously has his own issues around the event to work through. I personally have a lot to work through too. Of course I'm omitting a lot - about details around the event, myself, him - not sure if any of those would change your view. Like, our marriage was suffering before it happened. Like, he has to come pick me up after it happened. Like, he had been trying to reach me for two hours while it was happening but I didnt - couldn't - respond to his calls. He comes from a different cultural background. And I come from a different socio-economic class than most posting on DCUM - though have worked myself up into the one percent so if you met me you would never know that. Like, my father was an alcoholic and so were my grandfathers on both sides and so drinking is something I have to be careful about and I obviously haven't always been. Like, I am the sole breadwinner and recently also posted on this forum about my husbands marijuana use. Like, he is an incredible guy who is liked by all who meet him. And he's conservative, and I am liberal. And we clearly have a different world view on the consent when under the influence issue that society seems to be grappling with. So, yeah, it's complicated and there are lots of things I omitted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife won't drink very much with me these days, so I get jealous if she drinks with other people -- like I'm just the guy she lives with and she has fun with other people. If she got sexually assaulted while she was drinking with others, there would be a part of me that would be pissed at her because it happened while she was having fun with other people while I was left out. Self-centered, sure. But real feelings.

Op here - those are d finitely feelings that my husband was having at the time - he said as much. Maybe still now. Those are valid real feelings. do you think you could find it in your heart to say to your wife, and mean it, that she was not to blame? That you were angry because you miss her and were jealous? That the people that did that to her are the ones at fault and that what they did was unforgivable? I never have heard any of those things from my husband.

I hope I would. Those are all very accurate statements. Hopefully I could put aside my hurt and focus on her more significant concerns. But I can't say for sure. My insecurity about whether she finds me fun and attractive is probably the biggest Achilles heel in our otherwise excellent marriage. Sex is how I feel loved and our sex life is pretty tepid. So a scenario where our sex life gets messed up even further due to a situation about which I might be jealous anyway would fuel all kinds of toxic emotions. So, doing what I need to do and being a responsible husband could possibly be easier said than done.

This is a perfect example of a person who is toxically selfish. I thank the PP for being honest but, WOW. Just wow. Anyone who could be pissed off at someone you love for getting sexually assaulted (for WHATEVER reason) is self absorbed and shows a total lack of empathy. That really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


DH husband here. If your factual statement is concise, then your husband is the one with issues if he cannot love and support you through this.....

I wondered reading it if he is from a very different culture, or if perhaps you are omitting something.

Wishing you healing and grace.

I agree with this poster. 100%.

Op here - thank you. I think he loves and supports me at s deep level, but obviously has his own issues around the event to work through. I personally have a lot to work through too. Of course I'm omitting a lot - about details around the event, myself, him - not sure if any of those would change your view. Like, our marriage was suffering before it happened. Like, he has to come pick me up after it happened. Like, he had been trying to reach me for two hours while it was happening but I didnt - couldn't - respond to his calls. He comes from a different cultural background. And I come from a different socio-economic class than most posting on DCUM - though have worked myself up into the one percent so if you met me you would never know that. Like, my father was an alcoholic and so were my grandfathers on both sides and so drinking is something I have to be careful about and I obviously haven't always been. Like, I am the sole breadwinner and recently also posted on this forum about my husbands marijuana use. Like, he is an incredible guy who is liked by all who meet him. And he's conservative, and I am liberal. And we clearly have a different world view on the consent when under the influence issue that society seems to be grappling with. So, yeah, it's complicated and there are lots of things I omitted.

I started to tear up reading this. OP, I am so sorry all this happened to you. No one deserves sexual assault, ever. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Your husband sounds like an ignorant, cruel person.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not your fault. It is completely acceptable to have too much to drink at a bar and get a ride home. So many people do it every day. It can happen to anyone, even people being careful, people having 1 drink, or people not drinking at all. The person who assaulted you knew what he was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you were attacked. Your husband's reaction makes things worse for you. Your post focuses on his feelings and trying to understand and respond to them. Not to disregard his feelings, but the victim of an assault should be focusing on recovering from her trauma. Primarily, at any rate. The way you describe your post-rape dynamic, it almost seems that he's the recovering victim, rather than you.

If you'd made a driving error - say, you'd driven through a stop sign - and that was a factor contributing to your being in the path of a speeding drunk driver who then hit and injured you, would you think it's reasonable for your DH to say he has trust issues with you in the aftermath of that accident? People do stupid things, and you admit you did stupid things the night you were attacked. That doesn't make you complicit in the crime that was committed against you. His report of "trust issues" in your marriage following a rape is troubling. His insistence on your going through with the horrible post-rape legal process when you didn't want to is also troubling.

I feel for you. You seem to be in a difficult place. Intensive therapy will hopefully help you gain some perspective, and perhaps some answers, with regard to your marriage.

Op here. Thank you. It is easier for me to focus on my DH than myself, I suppose. Because the truth is i do blame myself and I do feel like I should have known better given what happened to me before. There is a lot of "evidence" in the way society views this issue to support this negative view of myself. My husband does love and support me in many ways - and in this one aspect of our history together I do feel like he was focused on himself and how the event impacted him in all this - hence the trust issues type comments. Therapy will help.

PP here: you're not to blame. Assault affects victims in ways that sometimes lead them to make poor choices making them vulnerable to additional assaults. That's a well-documented tendency. It doesn't mean you aren't trustworthy.

What does it mean? It means you're traumatized by the original assault. That trauma has not been resolved. This unhealed injury rendered you vulnerable to additional assault, which then, very sadly, occurred.

Society inappropriately and cruelly blames victims of sexual assault. You're internalizing those messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I hope I would. Those are all very accurate statements. Hopefully I could put aside my hurt and focus on her more significant concerns. But I can't say for sure. My insecurity about whether she finds me fun and attractive is probably the biggest Achilles heel in our otherwise excellent marriage. Sex is how I feel loved and our sex life is pretty tepid. So a scenario where our sex life gets messed up even further due to a situation about which I might be jealous anyway would fuel all kinds of toxic emotions. So, doing what I need to do and being a responsible husband could possibly be easier said than done.

This is a perfect example of a person who is toxically selfish. I thank the PP for being honest but, WOW. Just wow. Anyone who could be pissed off at someone you love for getting sexually assaulted (for WHATEVER reason) is self absorbed and shows a total lack of empathy. That really sucks.

I think you have a bit of tunnel vision going on by pretending that the assault victim is the only one affected -- which shows a lack of empathy on your part. The spouse of the assault victim is affected too. Much less directly, for sure. But the spouse had absolutely no control over the situation and has to feel that much more helpless in the face of it. While the assault victim is damaged more profoundly and has to be the primary concern, if you ignore the damage also done to the spouse, you're going to wind up not fixing the entire problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I hope I would. Those are all very accurate statements. Hopefully I could put aside my hurt and focus on her more significant concerns. But I can't say for sure. My insecurity about whether she finds me fun and attractive is probably the biggest Achilles heel in our otherwise excellent marriage. Sex is how I feel loved and our sex life is pretty tepid. So a scenario where our sex life gets messed up even further due to a situation about which I might be jealous anyway would fuel all kinds of toxic emotions. So, doing what I need to do and being a responsible husband could possibly be easier said than done.

This is a perfect example of a person who is toxically selfish. I thank the PP for being honest but, WOW. Just wow. Anyone who could be pissed off at someone you love for getting sexually assaulted (for WHATEVER reason) is self absorbed and shows a total lack of empathy. That really sucks.

I think you have a bit of tunnel vision going on by pretending that the assault victim is the only one affected -- which shows a lack of empathy on your part. The spouse of the assault victim is affected too. Much less directly, for sure. But the spouse had absolutely no control over the situation and has to feel that much more helpless in the face of it. While the assault victim is damaged more profoundly and has to be the primary concern, if you ignore the damage also done to the spouse, you're going to wind up not fixing the entire problem.

Op here - three of us now in this convo. Original responder - I think you and my DH are right with each other. And while I appreciate the other poster's support, I don't know that I would call that toxic selfishness. I think it's probably a pretty "normal" and not "uncommon" response. And I also think that for the primary victim of the assault, living with that response from a loved one can make recovery very very difficult. I hope that this never happens to someone you love - either of you. For the person that is like my DH, maybe I would help to think of it not as a husband but instead from the viewpoint of a father or brother or son. Would you be able to say the bolded words to you daughter, sister, mother? I'm trying to get to a place where I can hear them even if they aren't said aloud because I know he loves me and what's blocking him from saying those things is his own pain and insecurity. But God it would help so much to hear them aloud.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is absolutely NOT normal to think of yourself and your own feelings first when someone you love has been severely hurt. Your husband is a selfish ass. I am sorry to tell you that. Stop making excuses for him.

[Anonymous]

You need couples counseling and individual counseling for both of you. If he won't go, you should divorce him. He is being an awful jerk. You don't deserve his abuse.