Reply to Lack of trust after sexual assault

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[quote=Anonymous]I was sexually assaulted a few years ago.  alcohol was involved -  I was intoxicated and I also may have been drugged but didnt have a tox screen after it happened so no proof of that.  At the time I was - and still am - married.  After it happened, i drank very infrequently (and in moderation) for a number of years,and currently don't drink hardly at all ( 1 glass of wine in last 6 months)  At the time of the event, my husband insisted I go to hospital, report it to the cops, etc.  which I did. Got as far as a photo array, in which I correctly identified the assailant.  But my story was bad, so the case was dropped - no charges brought, no arrests, nothing.  Anyway, that was bad enough, but then and ever since my husband has said he has "trust issues" with me. U It is very very hard for me to hear him say that without hearing it as blame.  He also said things at the time - in anger - like what was I thinking, how could I have been out like that, why was I so stupid, etc.  I'm trying to work through this - in therapy now - but just really struggling with it.  Also, something like this happened to me many years ago when I was in highschool. The kind of thing you hear about on the news these days.  I thank God every single day that social media didn't dxist back then. It was horrible - the public shaming at school was very difficult for me.  My husband doesn't know about this.  We have had conversations about the similar recent events that have been on the news - and he is someone who has the view that, no the girl is not to blame per se but she was stupid so what did she expect. I don't share that view - intellectually - but of course emotionally I haven't healed from either event and am still in a place of shame and self blame.  I'm afraid to tell him about what happened to me in high school - but also feel like maybe I should so he can understand why this has been so difficult for me and also because I feel like he doesn't know about something that is a big part of who I am and how I relate to him and the world. I'm scared and ashamed. Afraid he will judge me as he has before and that I will feel even more alone than I do now.  Not sure what I'm asking for in this post - guess somehow just putting it out in the world helps - even (especially) if it is anonymously. [/quote]

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