Lack of trust after sexual assault

[Anonymous]

Sounds like bipolar and an alcohol problem

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your husband to explain why he has trust issues? I'm confused. It can't be because you were raped. It must be related to the situation (drinking with coworkers, accepting a drink from another man). I'm not blaming the OP. Rather, I'm trying to figure out what the DH's real deal is.

If it were me, this is what I'd do:

"Joe, something you said upset me. When you said you have trust issues with me since I was raped, it really hurt. I can't imagine that you think I prompted the rape or deserved it or enjoyed it, so I'm confused why you would say that. I'm still trying to deal with all of this, and I really need your love and support now more than ever."

Then see what he says.

My guess is that on some level he is angry at you for putting yourself in the situation by accepting a drink from another man...which is something that would bother most men, right? I think that's what he's focusing on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not OP's fault. It's not OP's husband's fault. It's the rapist's fault. Why blame OP or her husband?

no one is blaming the husband for the rape or the initial trauma. many of us are questioning the husband's lack of support and ongoing issues.

put another, if the OP had cancer, it would not be the husband's fault. But if the husband started blaming and questioning OP (what might she have done to have brought cancer on) rather than helping her heal, if the OP's husband was all about how her cancer was affecting him, I think we could agree he was an ass and that OP might be better off without him.

Not sure how great the metaphor is, but I'll run with it. If the husband had been nagging the wife for years that she should stop smoking, then she gets lung cancer, I can see where he'd be a little self-centered and pissed when the cancer treatments bankrupt the family -- even though nobody, not even smokers, deserves cancer.

This is OP. I understand that my husband is hurt and angry. I'm not trying to say that he shouldn't be. And I'm trying very very hard not to judge him for feeling that anger and hurt. I simply am asking for the same effort from him - to try not to judge me and to not articulate that he has "trust issues" with me to me - because that is not helping me heal. It's actually doing the exact opposite. So if it were lung cancer - same thing. I would just say to him - let's enjoy this time together I love you and then I would want him to say ok yes i was angry but I'm going to let go of that now so I can just love you as we go through this difficult time together. Life is short, you know? I need to love myself - I need to be in a place where I can do that on my own, regardless if where he or the rest of the world is on this issue. So I'm working on that. Would be great to hear from him those words, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked your husband to explain why he has trust issues? I'm confused. It can't be because you were raped. It must be related to the situation (drinking with coworkers, accepting a drink from another man). I'm not blaming the OP. Rather, I'm trying to figure out what the DH's real deal is.

If it were me, this is what I'd do:

"Joe, something you said upset me. When you said you have trust issues with me since I was raped, it really hurt. I can't imagine that you think I prompted the rape or deserved it or enjoyed it, so I'm confused why you would say that. I'm still trying to deal with all of this, and I really need your love and support now more than ever."

Then see what he says.

My guess is that on some level he is angry at you for putting yourself in the situation by accepting a drink from another man...which is something that would bother most men, right? I think that's what he's focusing on.

I have asked. It is all about the surrounding circumstances - because I wasn't home with him, because I didn't / couldn't answer my phone, because I was out with others, because I accepted that drink, because I can't tell him exactly what happened (because I don't remember), because I declined the tox screen (since if I wasn't drugged than it would be different for him somehow than if I had been drugged). Anyway - all those answers were given a long time ago. I'm not sure he could even articulate fully now why he has trust issues. Because I don't actually think it is that. It's not blame really - what I said is that I have a hard time not hearing it as blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like bipolar and an alcohol problem

Op here. Bipolar - no. Major depression and anxiety, yes. Alcohol problem - maybe. Though I have t been a regular or heavy drinker for years - once or twice a year I might go out and get pretty drunk. That just happened to be one of those times. Anyway, I'm not drinking at all now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like bipolar and an alcohol problem

Op here. Bipolar - no. Major depression and anxiety, yes. Alcohol problem - maybe. Though I have t been a regular or heavy drinker for years - once or twice a year I might go out and get pretty drunk. That just happened to be one of those times. Anyway, I'm not drinking at all now.

The drinking seems to be a bit of a red herring. Doesn't sound like you were drinking until you blacked out. Sounds like someone spiked your drink. So, the alcohol had very little to do with it. The drug had a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like bipolar and an alcohol problem

Op here. Bipolar - no. Major depression and anxiety, yes. Alcohol problem - maybe. Though I have t been a regular or heavy drinker for years - once or twice a year I might go out and get pretty drunk. That just happened to be one of those times. Anyway, I'm not drinking at all now.

The drinking seems to be a bit of a red herring. Doesn't sound like you were drinking until you blacked out. Sounds like someone spiked your drink. So, the alcohol had very little to do with it. The drug had a lot to do with it.

Op here - maybe so. I had more than just that one drink - not a ton but more than I was used to (2-1/2 glasses of wine). It felt different than just being really drunk though in that it happened fast and it was complete blackout. No recall even though I know I was operating (video from the bar showed me leaving with the assailant). Then I sort of "came to" several hours later. But I've been blacked out drunk before - the high school time was like that too. Though now that I think about it, it's possible I was drugged then as well. But I have no proof. And even if I wasn't drugged and it was just that I was really really drunk, does that change things? For my husband, it is a key fact. For me, not so much. We will never know for sure. Either way, it was terrible.

And I just had a stupid blowout fight with my husband over nothing serious. I overreacted to a minor and semi-valid criticism. This stuff on my mind has me so on edge. I really appreciate everyone's responses - even those that I didht agree with or that hurt a bit to hear. Signing off on this thread - hopefully I'll be in a position to come back with a positive update in not too long. Fingers crossed - I have my work cut out for me.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me the OP's husband's problem is insecurity. I'm not saying that to bag on him. It's a common emotion, though the severity varies.

Why don't we do this to cancer survivors or robbery victims? Because cancer and robbery are not intertwined with feelings of self worth. Whether your spouse loves and desires you most of all is very intertwined with feelings of self-worth. That's why you see such minute attention to the volition of the victim in these cases. If everything was entirely involuntary, then the spouse can minimize feelings of inadequacy. If the victim liked the initial attention (even if not the ultimate result), then there are still going to be feelings of betrayal.

If OP's spouse can get it through his head that his wife being drugged and raped isn't about him at all, maybe he can stop being an asshole about this particular situation. But, long-term, he needs to get his insecurity under control and understand that his wife does love and desire him most of all. (Or, if she doesn't, that's another issue - and he'll have to learn to be ok with that or break things off for that reason - and *not* because his wife was victimized.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he WILL judge you for whatever happened in high school. Don't tell him right now. He needs therapy too.

I agree with him that you were stupid to get drunk in public. But your "punishment" for that should not have been sexual assault. You need to get mentally stronger and then your husband needs to go to therapy or couples therapy with you, with a male therapist.

OP here - Why a male therapist? Is it stupid for men to get drunk in public? If a man gets drunk and then is mugged walking home from the bar, does the fact that he was drunk feature in the conversation? I'm trying to be open to your words because I realize that the world can be more dangerous for women and so we have to be careful. And it just makes me angry that this is where the conversation goes - because believe me. I'm already doing enough of that inner dialogue. From my husband, if he thinks that, OK. But it is the very last thing I need to hear from him. from you, ok, you are a stranger to me so it doesn't hurt so much. It's a fact. But I appreciate the advice and honesty. It's true - I was stupid. And of course I didn't deserve that. Either time. Thanks.

Yes it would.

However, there are two separate considerations here. One is responsibility for placing oneself in harms way. The other is the harm that comes after. If I cross the street outside of a crosswalk because no car is in view but a drunk driver runs a stop sign and bolts around the corner and hits me I will accept that I should have used the crosswalk but I am going to hold the drunk driver responsible for their action.

Permit me to recommend something as a part of your healing. Forgiveness. I believe you have acknowledged that you made mistakes putting yourself in harms way so if you haven't truly forgiven yourself for the part you played in the events before the assault you need too. And, he needs to forgive you for that too. There is great freedom in forgiveness and can serve to help you move more quickly to a place of serenity.