Lack of trust after sexual assault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying men shouldn't rape is trite. It's a person's job not to steal my stuff. But I still lock my car doors.

Using that same argument, you could say that even if you locked your doors, it would be your fault for going were you went, parking where you parked, buying the car that you bought, buying the house where you bought it, etc.

Yes, there are precautions that can and should be taken, but it doesn't make it the victim's fault.

Yes, but this was billed as "rape prevention tips." Not "whose fault is it that someone got raped." Not sure why the one discussion always seems to have to morph into the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

It does not mean you should not be careful. It means you should not a blame the victim when something bad happens to her. If you do blame her, you are an asshole.

I thought the argument was its not a girls job to take precaution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying men shouldn't rape is trite. It's a person's job not to steal my stuff. But I still lock my car doors.

Using that same argument, you could say that even if you locked your doors, it would be your fault for going were you went, parking where you parked, buying the car that you bought, buying the house where you bought it, etc.

Yes, there are precautions that can and should be taken, but it doesn't make it the victim's fault.

Op here - exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

Op here - ok, so I'll bite though I might regret it. My details - I was in professional attire at a well known upscale bar in downtown DC with work colleagues when this happened. I accepted a drink from someone we all were talking with as a group together but that I hadn't known before that evening. We had been talking about our families and kids. Then I blacked out and my work colleagues apparently left. I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman - though I myself do not feel that way. I guess I should have somehow seen this coming?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is absolutely NOT normal to think of yourself and your own feelings first when someone you love has been severely hurt. Your husband is a selfish ass. I am sorry to tell you that. Stop making excuses for him.

OP here - maybe it's not nice and I often agree that he is being a selfish ass when it comes to this. I am married to him, though, with two children. In my shoes, what would you do? I don't know yet if leaving him is the answer. I do love him and he does love me. I Never knew that he felt this way generally before we got married - it really isn't one of those things you talk about snd I never raised the high school thing because I still feel so much Shame and feared he would judge me. It's like, I wisg there were a pre-marriage list of questions to ask - one should be, what do you think about if a woman is assaulted while blacked out drunk? Her fault? Discuss. If we had that discussion pre-marriage, pre-kids, maybe I would have learned this and perhsps that would have changed my decision. Or maybe not. I didn't know and I didn't ask and now I do and we've experienced it together so what do I do. Divorce him, or hope that through my own healing he will "see the light" and think more like I do? Or accept that I can't do anything about how he thinks, and just focus on feeling his love and support in other areas? It's not like every day he says "I don't trust you" or says the thiNgs he said in anger when this happened 3 years ago. It's the little stuff like getting really pissed when I don't answer my phone right away and calling multiple times in a row (I'm not ignoring him but im either in a work meeting or in the elevator going down to my car in the garage). Or when he is angry at me for something unrelated saying "you know I have trust issues with you". He is saying those things from a place of concern and insecurity - I yhink. It does trouble me that he can't see my own pain and put that first. But do I leave him for that? I don't know.

That's not normal, it's controlling. One thing that often happens with victims of sexual trauma is that they lose (or don't develop) the ability to spot unhealthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

It does not mean you should not be careful. It means you should not a blame the victim when something bad happens to her. If you do blame her, you are an asshole.

I thought the argument was its not a girls job to take precaution?

Op here - for me it is less about who is at fault and who should take precaution and more about where we focus the conversation in rape cases. On the victim rather than the perpetrator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

Op here - ok, so I'll bite though I might regret it. My details - I was in professional attire at a well known upscale bar in downtown DC with work colleagues when this happened. I accepted a drink from someone we all were talking with as a group together but that I hadn't known before that evening. We had been talking about our families and kids. Then I blacked out and my work colleagues apparently left. I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman - though I myself do not feel that way. I guess I should have somehow seen this coming?

OP, you did nothing wrong! How can your husband treat you this way? Why would you stay with a man like that and make excuses for him? I feel so bad for you. PLEASE work on your self esteem issues and realize you deserve love. This man does not love you if he could make you feel worse about getting raped. It breaks my heart. And if you are still attractive, I promise you that there are better men out there for you who will treat you with respect, love and kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is absolutely NOT normal to think of yourself and your own feelings first when someone you love has been severely hurt. Your husband is a selfish ass. I am sorry to tell you that. Stop making excuses for him.

OP here - maybe it's not nice and I often agree that he is being a selfish ass when it comes to this. I am married to him, though, with two children. In my shoes, what would you do? I don't know yet if leaving him is the answer. I do love him and he does love me. I Never knew that he felt this way generally before we got married - it really isn't one of those things you talk about snd I never raised the high school thing because I still feel so much Shame and feared he would judge me. It's like, I wisg there were a pre-marriage list of questions to ask - one should be, what do you think about if a woman is assaulted while blacked out drunk? Her fault? Discuss. If we had that discussion pre-marriage, pre-kids, maybe I would have learned this and perhsps that would have changed my decision. Or maybe not. I didn't know and I didn't ask and now I do and we've experienced it together so what do I do. Divorce him, or hope that through my own healing he will "see the light" and think more like I do? Or accept that I can't do anything about how he thinks, and just focus on feeling his love and support in other areas? It's not like every day he says "I don't trust you" or says the thiNgs he said in anger when this happened 3 years ago. It's the little stuff like getting really pissed when I don't answer my phone right away and calling multiple times in a row (I'm not ignoring him but im either in a work meeting or in the elevator going down to my car in the garage). Or when he is angry at me for something unrelated saying "you know I have trust issues with you". He is saying those things from a place of concern and insecurity - I yhink. It does trouble me that he can't see my own pain and put that first. But do I leave him for that? I don't know.

That's not normal, it's controlling. One thing that often happens with victims of sexual trauma is that they lose (or don't develop) the ability to spot unhealthy relationships.

Maybe that's the case here. I have a lot of difficulty seeing things clearly when it comes to these things. Weird because in my profession I'm extremely sharp and clear sighted - too bad I can't seem to transfer that skill set over to my personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

It does not mean you should not be careful. It means you should not a blame the victim when something bad happens to her. If you do blame her, you are an asshole.

I thought the argument was its not a girls job to take precaution?

Op here - for me it is less about who is at fault and who should take precaution and more about where we focus the conversation in rape cases. On the victim rather than the perpetrator.

Being this happened twice has a rape counselor ever helped you out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

It does not mean you should not be careful. It means you should not a blame the victim when something bad happens to her. If you do blame her, you are an asshole.

I thought the argument was its not a girls job to take precaution?

Op here - for me it is less about who is at fault and who should take precaution and more about where we focus the conversation in rape cases. On the victim rather than the perpetrator.

Being this happened twice has a rape counselor ever helped you out

My current therapist is experienced in trauma, including rape and sexual assault. Before her though, no. So I have 20 years (if you count back to highschool incident) or over 30 years (if you count back to molestation incident) of negative self talk and bad self esteem to overcome. Not going to be overnight, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

Op here - ok, so I'll bite though I might regret it. My details - I was in professional attire at a well known upscale bar in downtown DC with work colleagues when this happened. I accepted a drink from someone we all were talking with as a group together but that I hadn't known before that evening. We had been talking about our families and kids. Then I blacked out and my work colleagues apparently left. I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman - though I myself do not feel that way. I guess I should have somehow seen this coming?

"I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman" I call troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like this list of rape prevention tips:

http://canyourelate.org/2011/05/24/rape-prevention-tips/

It's not a woman's job to live in fear. It's a man's job NOT TO RAPE WOMEN.

Does that mean that I being a sexy woman should walk alone at night in southeast doc every night and not worry about men who look at me weird?

Op here - ok, so I'll bite though I might regret it. My details - I was in professional attire at a well known upscale bar in downtown DC with work colleagues when this happened. I accepted a drink from someone we all were talking with as a group together but that I hadn't known before that evening. We had been talking about our families and kids. Then I blacked out and my work colleagues apparently left. I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman - though I myself do not feel that way. I guess I should have somehow seen this coming?

"I am told I am a sexy and attractive woman" I call troll

Op here - really, why? I have friends who have told me that. My husband tells me that. What about that reads troll? Strange.

[Anonymous]

It's not OP's fault. It's not OP's husband's fault. It's the rapist's fault. Why blame OP or her husband?

[Anonymous]

It's not OP's fault. It's not OP's husband's fault. It's the rapist's fault. Why blame OP or her husband?

no one is blaming the husband for the rape or the initial trauma. many of us are questioning the husband's lack of support and ongoing issues.

put another, if the OP had cancer, it would not be the husband's fault. But if the husband started blaming and questioning OP (what might she have done to have brought cancer on) rather than helping her heal, if the OP's husband was all about how her cancer was affecting him, I think we could agree he was an ass and that OP might be better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not OP's fault. It's not OP's husband's fault. It's the rapist's fault. Why blame OP or her husband?

no one is blaming the husband for the rape or the initial trauma. many of us are questioning the husband's lack of support and ongoing issues.

put another, if the OP had cancer, it would not be the husband's fault. But if the husband started blaming and questioning OP (what might she have done to have brought cancer on) rather than helping her heal, if the OP's husband was all about how her cancer was affecting him, I think we could agree he was an ass and that OP might be better off without him.

Not sure how great the metaphor is, but I'll run with it. If the husband had been nagging the wife for years that she should stop smoking, then she gets lung cancer, I can see where he'd be a little self-centered and pissed when the cancer treatments bankrupt the family -- even though nobody, not even smokers, deserves cancer.