Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

Sorry -- this is long, but I really want opinions on this. I get along well with my MIL and like her, and she loves our DS (her only grandchild). I love for them to spend time together but feel like MIL inserts herself into our lives a bit too much sometimes. DH agrees but also thinks I have a different perspective from her about the "rules" about inviting oneself over or how often we might get together. I grew up without any family nearby except my parents, and my parents lives far away from us, so the idea of having someone else really involved in our lives is sometimes off-putting to me. Anyway, here's what happened:

MIL lives in town, and we usually see her at least once every weekend. We usually take DS to her house for a visit, or she comes to our house for most of the day on Saturdays or Sundays. She travels for work, so she's not always in town on weekdays, but when she is, we sometimes have her over for dinner (probably an average of once or twice a month).

Around 5pm today, DS and I were having fun planting flowers in the yard (well, DS was pushing around the dirt with his trucks). DH was finishing work inside (teleworking). All of a sudden, MIL shows up!

"Didn't DH tell you I was coming?" she asked almost immediately after I looked at her. I didn't act put off to see her but must have looked surprised.

I said that no, he hadn't told me. (Turns out he got a text from her asking to come over to pick up a family item we are storing for her in the basement. He told her it wasn't the most convenient time to do it, but she persisted, so he said to come get it around 5pm. But then he forgot to tell me about it.)

Usually DS is super excited to see MIL, but today he was busy playing with the dirt and didn't seem overjoyed to see her -- probably just as surprised as I was. She told me she was there to get something from DH. Then she said to DS that maybe they could go to the park, "if it's okay with Mommy." My DS is 3. I don't have a problem with them going to the park, but it would have been nice for MIL to have asked if it was okay to stay and hang out a bit, rather than get my DS excited about the park and make it my responsibility to say no if I didn't want them to go. DS was actually pretty into what he was doing in the yard, but he did perk up a little at the idea of going to the park. He also got interested in what MIL might have brought for him because she always brings some new toy (or sometimes a toy or book from her house that he doesn't see unless he goes over there).

DS ran off with MIL, who said she had brought a tricycle that was for his upcoming birthday (2 weeks away) for my DH to put together. This was not part of the original plan at all, and I'm not sure why she chose this moment to give him a tricycle -- especially because it's something she intends to keep at her house for him to play with there, since we already have one at our house. MIL went into the house with DS to find DH, while I was covered with dirt, so I continued planting. Then MIL, DH, and DS all put together the tricycle.

MIL said, "I can order some dinner for us for tonight," to me. It was said as though she would obviously stay for dinner. Then she took DS to the park for a while.

I was really upset about the fact that she just showed up (which I realize is not her fault so much as DH's for not telling me). But also that she just HAD to get this thing today, which really doesn't make any sense (it's just a piece of interior decor, not something that's pressing, and we'll probably see her this weekend anyway). But then she showed up, invited my DS away from something he was doing with me as though it didn't matter, brought this huge birthday present for him, and then invited herself to dinner. I felt like the only way I could stop any of this was to sound like a total party-pooper to my DS and a jerk to her! It put me in a really awkward position.

What makes it even more frustrating is that my parents are coming to visit tomorrow from out of town. They only see DS about 2-3 times per year when they come to visit (or, less commonly, we go to see them) for less than week each visit. MIL knows they are coming and will certainly be invited to spend time with them, as everyone gets along well. But why can't she just let them have a moment with their grandson? Today seemed like an attempt to remind him of her before they come and to give him a major birthday present that he'll probably talk about while they are here.

If this was your situation, would you be upset by it? How would you handle it? I don't want to hurt MIL's feelings because I know she just wants to spend time with my DS, and I honestly like spending time with her, too, but this just feels like it's an invasion of our privacy and like she isn't respecting our needs and plans.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be upset and I wouldn't do anything.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have been nearly as nice as you were OP. Bottom line, you aren't crazy to be upset. She crossed several lines tonight.

[Anonymous]

I can honestly say I would be thrilled (MIL lives in town, too, but chooses to not be involved = selfish). But MIL should have called first. Can DH talk to her about that?

[Anonymous]

What makes it even more frustrating is that my parents are coming to visit tomorrow from out of town. They only see DS about 2-3 times per year when they come to visit (or, less commonly, we go to see them) for less than week each visit. MIL knows they are coming and will certainly be invited to spend time with them, as everyone gets along well. But why can't she just let them have a moment with their grandson? Today seemed like an attempt to remind him of her before they come and to give him a major birthday present that he'll probably talk about while they are here.

No, I would not have been upset, but I'm pretty laid back about this sort of thing. I would have been happy for someone to be getting take out for my family - free meal and I don't have to cook. I think it's weird that she gave your son his b-day present early. But, I think it is weirder that you think she did it as a move to grandstand and one up your parents.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds insecure because your parents are coming to town. Hope she backs off a little and gives them some bonding time with you and your family since they only see you a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

It's not just the called first issue. It's also setting mom up to be the bad guy - we don't let any of our parents ask to do stuff with the kids or give stuff to the kids in front of them. It's a terrible thing to do to a parent. It's also ridiculously rude to assume you can stay for dinner at someone's house.

[Anonymous]

Heads-up. This is her first grandchild, so expect her to make all the boundaries-related mistakes with you! My MIL is the most charming person in the world with me. But that's because I came in late on the scene, when she had already had it out with her other two DILs and their families! So MIL knows never to come uninvited, and to give us our own space.

I'm sure your scenario would be fine for many people, because it really doesn't sound as if your MIL was rude or overbearing in any way. She feels part of your family, and naturally expects to feel welcome. Short-sighted, perhaps, but see above.

However since I am a very private person, it would make me feel uncomfortable to have someone else constantly there besides DH and my children. FWIW, I feel that way towards nannies and housecleaners, which is why I have neither!

Since none of her behavior is egregious in any way, your DH should gently point out to her that coming by invitation is so much more practical. Then you would be able to receive her as she deserves! DS will have taken his nap, you will have prepared a little something, blah, blah, blah (whatever floats her boat). If she insists, then he has to say that all three of you really need to decompress at the end of the week and have a little time to yourself as a nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have been nearly as nice as you were OP. Bottom line, you aren't crazy to be upset. She crossed several lines tonight.

OMG you people and your "boundary" issues!

OP, you are long winded and obviously dull with the minute attention to details that don't matter. In a word--unclench.

How do you get through basic life? Gee wilikers, if you can't handle saying no to a 3 year old about the park without it being a big production you should re-think any future children.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries. You have to create boundaries. When my out of town in-laws said they were going to have to see my child once a month AT LEAST by either them visiting us or us visiting them, I put the kibosh on that immediately. Once a month for out of town visitors is too much of an imposition on someone and they figured that out quickly once we kept telling them we had plans.

[Anonymous]

My in laws live in town about a 20 minute walk from us less than 5 minute drive. When we first moved they would pop over unannounced. "Oh we were out for a walk". This was after our DD was born, not the first grandchild but the first that lives in this country. I would be exhausted, dressed like a bum, more likely covered in throw up and just not feeling social. It took a few times of them doing this for me to convince my husband to tell them that this was not ok.

As for the battle of the grandmothers I have learned it's better to keep them separate. When my mom is here we don't all hang out. My mom isn't here to see them, heck she's not even here to see me, she's here to see her grandchild and isn't keene on sharing. My MIL tends to be very protective/possessive of DD (even with me). It urks me when I'm with her but I've learned to take deep breaths.

[Anonymous]

I grew up like you. I'd be thrilled to have a MIL or mom like that.

[Anonymous]

I might be a little annoyed, depending on my mood. But overall? Nah. Sounds like you are in a bit of a snit over not much... Sounds like you have someone caring and loving and generous on your hands who helps you and your husband out with your child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the opinions.

Part of the problem is that this is an ongoing issue for us -- MIL also used to show up unannounced when DS was a baby, and I was half dressed while BFing. She even let herself into the house once (back when she had a key before we had to change the locks for a totally unrelated reason).

We have had this conversation several times, but it keeps coming up in different ways. It's obvious to me that we have different views of what's okay and normal. This is partially why I wanted opinions from others -- because in my mind, she's being rude, but I understand that she doesn't see it that way.

DH has talked with her, but it doesn't seem to stick. It lasts a little while, and then something new comes up. I'm a pretty private person, and I really like to know what to expect from my evenings and when to expect visitors. I feel like the terrible bad guy for wanting to keep her at bay because I know she wants to be with us and see DS. It makes me mad that I have to either be a total jerk to her or do something that makes me uncomfortable, like be willing to have her over any old time. I wish there was some other in-between, and it feels like she should be more cognizant of the fact that she's imposing, but she doesn't seem to be (or won't admit it even to herself -- I'm not sure which).

22:04, I can handle telling my DS no to the park, but I don't think it's fair for MIL to make me have to be the bad guy in a case like this.

And FWIW, DH is an only child, so the only other grandchild she's going to have will be any other kids we have, so I don't see this improving long-term based on that alone!

[Anonymous]

NP here. The MIL did arrange this visit ahead of time. OP says she texted DH, but he forgot to tell OP. So, that is his fault, and OP cannot be irritated with MIL for that.

Also, if DH said it wasn't a good time to visit, he should have held firm. It's not appropriate for the MIL to "persist" so much that DH gives in. But more importantly, DH needed to just tell her flat out no, and offer up a better time. It would have been easy enough to tell his MIL "We'll see you on Tuesday for dinner, so you can pick up your item then." Done.

I agree with you that your MIL shouldn't spring park visits on them in front of the kid. That is really rude. My FIL does similar things and it is very presumptuous.

But OP, this is all in your hands (and your husband's). If it's not a good time for a visit, make sure she knows it, and don't give in. Start setting more limits about how often you see her, if that's in fact an issue. It would be rude of you to say "you only get to see us when WE initiate a visit," but you could start declining some of her invitations and offering suggestions for better options. If I didn't want her taking my kid to the park, I would have told her "no, he can't go to the park right now because it's too close to dinner time. Do you want to take him tomorrow afternoon?" Your son understands that you and his dad make the rules.