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[quote=Anonymous]Sorry -- this is long, but I really want opinions on this.  I get along well with my MIL and like her, and she loves our DS (her only grandchild).  I love for them to spend time together but feel like MIL inserts herself into our lives a bit too much sometimes.  DH agrees but also thinks I have a different perspective from her about the "rules" about inviting oneself over or how often we might get together.  I grew up without any family nearby except my parents, and my parents lives far away from us, so the idea of having someone else really involved in our lives is sometimes off-putting to me.  Anyway, here's what happened:

MIL lives in town, and we usually see her at least once every weekend.  We usually take DS to her house for a visit, or she comes to our house for most of the day on Saturdays or Sundays.  She travels for work, so she's not always in town on weekdays, but when she is, we sometimes have her over for dinner (probably an average of once or twice a month).

Around 5pm today, DS and I were having fun planting flowers in the yard (well, DS was pushing around the dirt with his trucks).   DH was finishing work inside (teleworking).  All of a sudden, MIL shows up!

"Didn't DH tell you I was coming?" she asked almost immediately after I looked at her.  I didn't act put off to see her but must have looked surprised.

I said that no, he hadn't told me.  (Turns out he got a text from her asking to come over to pick up a family item we are storing for her in the basement.  He told her it wasn't the most convenient time to do it, but she persisted, so he said to come get it around 5pm.  But then he forgot to tell me about it.)

Usually DS is super excited to see MIL, but today he was busy playing with the dirt and didn't seem overjoyed to see her -- probably just as surprised as I was.  She told me she was there to get something from DH.  Then she said to DS that maybe they could go to the park, "if it's okay with Mommy."  My DS is 3.  I don't have a problem with them going to the park, but it would have been nice for MIL to have asked if it was okay to stay and hang out a bit, rather than get my DS excited about the park and make it my responsibility to say no if I didn't want them to go.  DS was actually pretty into what he was doing in the yard, but he did perk up a little at the idea of going to the park.  He also got interested in what MIL might have brought for him because she always brings some new toy (or sometimes a toy or book from her house that he doesn't see unless he goes over there).

DS ran off with MIL, who said she had brought a tricycle that was for his upcoming birthday (2 weeks away) for my DH to put together.  This was not part of the original plan at all, and I'm not sure why she chose this moment to give him a tricycle -- especially because it's something she intends to keep at her house for him to play with there, since we already have one at our house.  MIL went into the house with DS to find DH, while I was covered with dirt, so I continued planting.  Then MIL, DH, and DS all put together the tricycle.

MIL said, "I can order some dinner for us for tonight," to me.  It was said as though she would obviously stay for dinner.  Then she took DS to the park for a while.

I was really upset about the fact that she just showed up (which I realize is not her fault so much as DH's for not telling me).  But also that she just HAD to get this thing today, which really doesn't make any sense (it's just a piece of interior decor, not something that's pressing, and we'll probably see her this weekend anyway).  But then she showed up, invited my DS away from something he was doing with me as though it didn't matter, brought this huge birthday present for him, and then invited herself to dinner.  I felt like the only way I could stop any of this was to sound like a total party-pooper to my DS and a jerk to her!  It put me in a really awkward position.

What makes it even more frustrating is that my parents are coming to visit tomorrow from out of town.  They only see DS about 2-3 times per year when they come to visit (or, less commonly, we go to see them) for less than week each visit.  MIL knows they are coming and will certainly be invited to spend time with them, as everyone gets along well.  But why can't she just let them have a moment with their grandson?  Today seemed like an attempt to remind him of her before they come and to give him a major birthday present that he'll probably talk about while they are here.

If this was your situation, would you be upset by it?  How would you handle it?  I don't want to hurt MIL's feelings because I know she just wants to spend time with my DS, and I honestly like spending time with her, too, but this just feels like it's an invasion of our privacy and like she isn't respecting our needs and plans.[/quote]

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