Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

OP: I understand where you're coming from. I have a competitive mother who would do the "big gift thing" a few days before the actual birthday. It is an attempt to steal the show and be the favorite grandparent. I also have a MIL who expects everything to revolve around her when she visits, regardless of what other plans we may have had or the children's regular schedules.

Here's the thing: You can't change other people. Lord knows I tried. And you will make yourself miserable in those attempts. Overlook what you can, bitch about it anonymously here and read stories about MILs that are worse than yours. This is a relatively short phase in your life. Your child isn't going to be wowed by tricycles and trips to the park for very long and your MIL will have to build her relationship with him on something else and that will be less intrusive in your life and more enriching for your son. (My mother started reading the Game of Thrones series specifically so she could discuss it with my now 15-year-old).

Hang in there, it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can honestly say I would be thrilled (MIL lives in town, too, but chooses to not be involved = selfish). But MIL should have called first. Can DH talk to her about that?

She DID call! DH forgot to realy the message to OP.

He said it wasn't a good time but she pressed and came anyway. She sounds nice but pushy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I understand where you're coming from. I have a competitive mother who would do the "big gift thing" a few days before the actual birthday. It is an attempt to steal the show and be the favorite grandparent. I also have a MIL who expects everything to revolve around her when she visits, regardless of what other plans we may have had or the children's regular schedules.

Here's the thing: You can't change other people. Lord knows I tried. And you will make yourself miserable in those attempts. Overlook what you can, bitch about it anonymously here and read stories about MILs that are worse than yours. This is a relatively short phase in your life. Your child isn't going to be wowed by tricycles and trips to the park for very long and your MIL will have to build her relationship with him on something else and that will be less intrusive in your life and more enriching for your son. (My mother started reading the Game of Thrones series specifically so she could discuss it with my now 15-year-old).

Hang in there, it gets better.

OMG this makes me laugh. That is so sweet that your mom would read those books just so she could discuss them with her grandson. I can see myself doing that one day....lol. It is so special when grandparents have a relationship like that with their grandkids. Do encourage that Op - but you can set boundaries too.

[Anonymous]

I get why you're annoyed. Ask her to call first. Set up a weekly group dinner and/or have her do weekly date night babysitting for you if she's interested. Have it scheduled so you all know what to expect. Be honest with her that you enjoy one-on-one bonding with your child and sometimes what you're doing with your son in that moment is important to you. You're also the kind of person who likes to know what's ahead for the evening - surprises are a bit stressful for you. Tell her that. It's true and it's not personal. Also tell her that you want her to have plenty of bonding opportunities as well, so let's find a way for that to happen often and regularly, but just not in the form of weekly surprises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

+1. TBH, I think a lot of these MIL issues are self fulfilling hangups that the DILs have. A lot of them are extra critical of MILs anyways. Thus, stuff like this (which would not bother me at all) takes on a life of its own. OP (with PPs' help) is assigning all kinds of nefarious motives. Perhaps, MIL was lonely and just wanted to spend the eening with her son and his family. Perhaps she could not wait to see the joy on her grandson's face when he got his new toy. After 20 years of marriage, I have learned that if you see the worst in things, that is what you get.

And TBH, if my spouse rasied a big stink about an issue like this, I would back him publicly, but I would not be too thrilled with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

+1. TBH, I think a lot of these MIL issues are self fulfilling hangups that the DILs have. A lot of them are extra critical of MILs anyways. Thus, stuff like this (which would not bother me at all) takes on a life of its own. OP (with PPs' help) is assigning all kinds of nefarious motives. Perhaps, MIL was lonely and just wanted to spend the eening with her son and his family. Perhaps she could not wait to see the joy on her grandson's face when he got his new toy. After 20 years of marriage, I have learned that if you see the worst in things, that is what you get.

And TBH, if my spouse rasied a big stink about an issue like this, I would back him publicly, but I would not be too thrilled with him.

It is not rude to want to spend an evening at your own home without visitors. Maybe you enjoy an open door policy at your house but don't expect that everyone is like you.

[Anonymous]

No one has advised the Op to make a big Stank about it either.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL wanted to go to your house because is was a nice 70 degree day yesterday.

I think that what is happening here it that you are a planner, and MIL is more spontaneous. Talk to DH to talk to his mom about what your boundaries are, like "please call before coming over".

You have to learn to say "no". Like, "thank you, MIL, but DS is gardening with me right now, it isn't a good time for the park". Is DS then gets upset, then later have DH tell her to not bring up the park when you're in the middle of doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't invite your MIL when your parents are over. Your parents should have time to themselves with their grandchild and with you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.